Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Cortez the Killer's Guide to 80's Coked Out Sleaze and Cheese

This is NOT a top ten list. Each of these movies have equal servings of sleaze and cheese. Also, these are NOT good movies by any means. But if you love movies that are so excruciatingly bad that they’re good, well then, these are right in your wheelhouse.

These are what I consider to be the best that the 80’s have to offer in terms of gratuitous gore (some more than others), nudity (ditto) and awesomely bad dialogue (ditto ditto). All of which are fueled by the power of nose candy.


A dude who wants to score chicks and write better music makes a deal with a demon succubus who crosses over into our world and attacks unsuspecting party goers.

Choice line: 'So what are you cooking Brad for dinner? BREAST of chicken? COCK Au Verre?’

Aerobicide (AKA Killer Workout):

A killer stalks the employees of a local gym. A hack detective can’t solve the case when it's painfully obvious who the actual killer is. Amazingly awesome instructor lead jazzercise routines. Oh and the killer uses an oversized safety pin to dispense victims. Shazam!

Choice line:

Rhonda to one of her instructors: ‘Look business is bad enough. Just teach the class without showing a snapshot of your tits and tight little ass.’


A group of friends head to a ski lodge, are stalked and murdered one by one, by a ski masked man whom they thought died years ago.

Choice line: ‘I’m taking a shower, then crashing, when’s dinner?’

Hilarious commentary provided by my friends over at Horror Remix.

Graduation Day:

A killer stalks a group of kids that participate on the school’s track team and exacts revenge after an accident that occurred at a meet years ago.

Choice line: ‘Come back here! Don't think I don't know who you are, because I do. Come on and show your face, you miserable scum!’

The Video Dead:

A discarded TV is passed on to an unsuspecting family who has no idea it’s a portal to the land of the undead.

Choice exchange:

Brother: 'So what are you majoring in?' (said in an extremely snarky manner)
Sister: 'I'm majoring in aerobics.'
Brother: promptly spits out his dinner onto the plate in front of him.
Sister: 'It may not be higher education, but it’s a degree! And I’m taking it very seriously.
Brother: 'I’m almost afraid to ask you what your minor is.'
Sister: 'Music videos.'

The Dark Power:

A tribal Indian leader prays and chants to the gods of the land around him in attempt to keep evil spirits that were buried years ago at bay. But when he dies and a group of college kids take over the house, no one is able to keep the ancient spirits in check and they run amok. An Indiana Jones, whip wielding, park ranger is the star of the film.

Choice line:

One female friend: ‘These four Toltec witch doctor types were into some kind of magic’.
An overly emphatic friend's response: ‘DARK POWERS!’

Silent Madness:

An escaped mental patient wreaks havoc on a college campus. A reporter, her male sidekick and a wise cracking sheriff band together to take him down.

Choice line:

Sheriff to the male sidekick: 'Get the fuck outta here. Just because the goddamn broad is good lookin', doesn't mean we ALL have to think with our dicks.’

Motel Hell:

Farmer John, er I mean Vincent, loves planting human bodies into the ground, waiting until they’re ‘ripe’ and plucking them out, grinding up their bodies and making meat products out of them.

Choice Line: ‘It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s Fritters.’

Hard Rock Zombies:

This film is the penultimate example of a filmmaker and script writer so fucking high when they made the movie, that it’s the ONLY plausible explanation for how they came up with the plot: a hair metal band shacks up at an old house on their way to a gig. Its inhabitants include a werewolf grandmother, a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-esque inbred brother, two midgets (one of which is mutated) and Hitler (yes THAT Hitler) who’s disguised as the grandfather. Has your head exploded yet?

Choice line(s):

The lead singer's pick up lines to a girl who’s obviously 12: ‘I’ve been thinking about you all day. You’re neat.’

Rent or steal these movies, ASAP.

Cortez the Killer

HorrorBlips: vote it up!


Zach S. said...

good thing I'm not lactose intolerant, there's a lotta cheese here.

Wakka, wakka.

Great list, there's a few gems I need to hunt down now.

The Film Connoisseur said...

Ive always had this curiosity for The Video Dead! I guess its going to have to be one of those movies that one has to watch on You Tube cause it aint available!

B-Movie Becky said...

The only ones I've seen are Graduation Day, Hard Rock Zombies, and Motel Hell.

I really really want to see the Aerobicide's just calling to me. Haha.

Jayson said...

There's a MySpace dedicated to getting The Video Dead an official DVD release:

Hey Cortez, check out Hack O' Lantern:

Planet of Terror said...

@Zach, wakka wakka wakka!

@TFC, The Video Dead is amazing and deserves to be put to DVD and viewed properly.

@Becky, I showed Aerobicide to a group of unsuspecting friends at Halloween last year and people were rolling laughing. Even if folks don't love horror, its the finest (un)intentionally funny horror film ever made.

@Jayson, I hope they garner enough support. EVERYONE deserves the right to see TVD.And thanks for the link. I've never seen Hack O' Lantern. Remedying that, ASAP.

the jaded viewer said...

Wow I'm shocked. I haven't seen any of these that a good thing?

The Film Connoisseur said...

Ha! I just remembered a scene from Megaforce in which the main character, a super hero of sorts, is getting chased by the bad guys and he is in his motorcycle, and suddenly he presses a button on it (ala Flash Gordon!) and suddenly his bike grows these wings and starts flying through the skies!

He flies it all the way to the good guys plane and lands it inside of the plane!

Funny thing is it all looks like he is doing it in front of a blue screen or something, its hilarious!

Planet of Terror said...

@Jeff (AKA El Jaded Buscando),no its not a good thing. Everyone should see these films. They are amazing achievements in cinema and so underappreciated. Yes they're bad but its nice and caramel-y in the shit log center.

@TFC, ha!That sounds awesome. I'll have to check that one out fo sheezy.

Chris Hallock said...

Motel Hell rules, man! How can you put it on the bad list?

Hard Rock Zombies is a hoot but the damn thing seems like it lasts foreeeeever.

Planet of Terror said...

Chris, its on the oh so bad its good list. I mean the plot and dialogue are pretty dopey. But I loved wacky farmer Vincent and the dude from Cheers showing up as a drummer in a punk band.

It does drag. Painfully so. But good lord its one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen.

Carl (ILHM) said...

Excellent choices, all, but MOTEL HELL will always be heads above all of the others in my book!