The Gruesome Death of Tommy Pistol (2010)

Fear 0/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5

I really don't understand how some filmmakers, when everything is said and done, can't objectively step back from their work and see it for what it is and decide not to release it upon an unsuspecting public. Of course, I'm talking about a work that is an exceptional piece of shit. For the life of me, I don't understand how films like this are conceived and so ill produced. This is the kind of film that makes me want to stop watching horror altogether and give up writing a blog. Jesus Christ this is a monumental achievement in idiocy and total ineptness. If someone tells me 'Well that's how it's supposed to be' or that I didn't 'get' it or some other lazy, bullshit cop out excuse, my head will explode.

Writing a review for this travesty will be just as much of a chore as sitting through it. Tommy is a loser. He wants to really be an actor. His girlfriend tells him he's a good for nothing, broke joke, and that she's leaving him for good. But he'll be damned if he listens to her and sets out to 'make it big.' Within the first 10 minutes of this film you are already incredibly annoyed by the poor dialogue, over the top delivery, and the 'I want to put my fist through them' stupid characters.

So Tommy sets out, taking a train trip, and taking up momentary residence in a seedy motel that's run by a middle eastern guy. Played by an actor painted in black face and with someone's shaved pubes affixed to his face, the performance is both irritating and highly offensive. Obviously, I can take gross humor and it takes a lot to offend me (I mean I DO write for a horror blog) but this was just completely unfunny in every way possible. A particular scene where the middle eastern proprietor and Tommy interact and he spouts off gay jokes is insulting and it completely encapsulates the entirety of the film. This film is a complete insult to viewers and horror fans everywhere. I digress.

Tommy responds to the ad the next day and thinks he's going to get the gig and be the star of the film. He's going to be the star alright. The star of an S&M styled porn flick but one that also incorporates a bit of snuff. Tommy gives an impassioned speech (read: insanely retarded) about how he's been waiting for this opportunity for a starring role his entire life. He's then shuffled off to a room where a woman is strapped to a gurney. The next scenes include deaths and mutilation by cheese graters and slap chops while some woman wails at irritating, ear drum piercing levels.It's like a 2nd rate A Serbian Film if that makes any sense whatsoever.

After feeling guilty, or wanting to get out of the 'biz (who the fuck knows at this point), Tommy decides to get a real honest gig, following around and being an assistant to actors on the set. And who does he have to be an errand running bitch to? One Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger . I know what you might be thinking. Torture porn, death by appliances, and a celebrity impersonator of one of the greatest action stars of our generation, running around, and yukking it up for the camera. How can this NOT be good? Trust me please, it's not. If you don't believe me, I'll happily send you my screener copy of the film, FREE of charge and you can come back here and tell me that I'm elitist asshole who's wrong. Leave a comment with your info and I'll send you this not even worthy of a beer coaster film. But is this all a dream? Is this all really happening? Whoopty fucking do. Who cares?

I implore you, avoid this at all costs. Unless you want a case of tourette's and a strong need to punch a puppy.

*Planet of Terror in no way condones or supports animal cruelty. This is the feeling you'll get when you watch this film. It will drive you to want to hurt poor, defenseless, cute animals. I love dogs. And animals. I give on the regular to my local shelter.

Cortez the Killer

The Dead (2010)

Fear 3/5
Gore 4/5
Entertainment 3/5
Creepiness 2/5

There's a reason why I don't watch many zombie films: there's a glut of them and most are pretty mediocre. That's not to say I'm completely against the atrophied, feet shuffling, minions of the undead. There just hasn't been a whole lot to get excited about in recent years with regards to the sub-genre (outside of a little show called The Walking Dead). Enter The Dead, a film that promises to offer more and thoroughly deliver on that promise. While it contains some of the best cinematography and effects to ever grace a horror film, sadly, it's plagued by extremely thin characterizations. The film is also much too drawn out and repetitive.

Our film focuses much of its attention on a U.S. Air Force engineer and lieutenant who's involved with a peace keeping mission of sorts. He's also the sole survivor of recent airplane crash. You see, the plane along with the crew were trying to get the holy hell out of dodge when they came under the attack of a man who'd been bitten by, of course, a zombie. In the ensuing chaos, the plane lost control and crashed just off the coast of Africa.

Making his way back to shore after the crash, our lieutenant comes face to face with many a rotting limb-ed creature, fighting his way through and finding some arms and ammunition from dead soldiers and the cargo that had been jettisoned during the crash. It's in this initial encounter with the undead that we see just how incredible the makeup and practical effects are and it sets the stage for what we'll experience throughout. The 'look' of the zombies is nailed to perfection and they're some of the better ones to grace the home theater screen in recent memory.

Continuing on and then coming upon a ravaged village, he finds an old truck which he rigs and uses to make his way across the African desert. His destination isn't clear at first but it takes shape once he comes into contact with an African soldier. The background of the soldier isn't revealed (with regards to what side he sits on in this worn torn region) but his purpose is singular: to get to a ompound where his young son was supposedly taken to. From here on out our story repeats and repeats itself again as our two men stop to check out various locales along the way, first to explore an abandoned house and then a deserted outpost before eventually making their way to the place where the son is being safeguarded. As you can imagine, at each stop they run into an undead threat, have to fend it off, and quickly jump into their vehicle and head back out.

It is in these moments of traveling from one destination to the next where the film could have really benefited from giving the characters more depth. Some internal monologue or a prolonged conversation between the two men would have worked wonders. Something, anything that would reveal how they were feeling or what sense they were trying to make of the whole situation. There were some flashbacks about the life the lieutenant was hoping to get back to at home but outside of that, we don't know much more about these men or how the events were affecting their mental state.

Still, the film is worth a watch and if you are needing a zombie flick fix, you could do a lot worse. It's just not one that I'd revisit anytime soon despite its technical achievements which are truly incredible. I really wish there was more depth of character here and not so much of a repetitious nature to the proceedings.

Cortez the Killer

Check Out The All Things Horror Podcast!

Fellow champions of independent horror, All Things Horror, have recently posted their first podcast which just so happens to include yours truly. In it, we talk about the absolute mind fuck of a feature, the fantastic British thriller Kill List. Combining elements of crime drama and horror, it's a unique feature which will stick with you for days.

Check out the podcast over yonder (and follow these fines dudes if you don't already):

http://www.allthingshorroronline.net/2012/03/hey-kids-its-all-things-horror-podcast.html

Nailbiter (2012)

Fear 3/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 4/5
Creepiness 3/5

Nailbiter is a hearken back to the monster movie. Not the Roger Corman goofy, man in a suit movie mind you, as this one is anything but. Rather, the type of monster film that is actually scary.There is real fear here, one that starts with the threat of mother nature but ends with another. Ironically, it's conceived by mother nature but it is something far more pervasive than a passing storm. And in the center of it all, is an innocent family which is completely undeserving of the brutal horrors it is set to encounter.

Our film begins with an introduction the Maguire family. Mom's a recovering alcoholic, currently caring and providing for her three daughters all of which are fairly close in age. Mom doesn't know how she'll readjust to a new life as dad is coming home soon from an overseas deployment. She's presently lived a life giving off the perception that all is well when in fact she's dealing with personal demons and attending AA meetings. She's anxious to see her husband but afraid of what he might make of his wife who is anything but perfect.

The four set out on a trip into town to pick up dear ol' dad despite news warnings of a strong storm set to roll through. Stopping for gas along the way, the newest deputy in town advises them to take shelter, that this storm is so fast approaching that they won't be able to turn around and make it back home in time. Mom doesn't pay heed to his plea and she sets back out onto the country road. Sure enough, the storm catches up and they're forced off, exiting stage left from the motor vehicle, and running for cover. They soon come upon what appears to be an abandoned house. Mom pries the lock off the basement door and the family promptly makes their way inside.

As the storm passes through, a tree is uprooted and strewn across the basement door, trapping the family inside. Cell phone calls can't be made and a bit of panic sets in. More alarming, are the rustling sounds from upstairs and the strong sense that whatever is above them doesn't want them to leave. Even more troubling, are the strange animal-like noises coming from inside the basement. When one of the daughters tries to climb out through a small block window, she's immediately attacked by some sort of creature. The perceived threat is now actually very real and whatever it is that doesn't want them out really doesn't want them out as the only remaining exit is quickly boarded up.

A little more light is shed on the home and it's inhabitants as the deputy in town surveys the area after the storm and finds the family's abandoned car. He makes his way to the home and knocks on the door, being familiarly greeted by the head of the household. An old woman let's him in and they start a bit of informal chit chat until the deputy turns the subject to the abandoned car and missing family. The woman plays dumb and just when the deputy is about to press a little more, the sheriff shows up to the house and instructs him to go on and keep surveying the area. A chilling scene follows as the old woman talks to the sheriff about the 'nice' family and it's a 'shame' that they'll be disposed of shortly. It is then that we get a glimpse of our monsters, ugly mutant-like creatures that are heavily aroused by the rumblings of another oncoming storm.

Our family in the basement soon comes face to face with the monsters themselves and it's a mad fight for survival to fend off the flesh hungry beasts. A final standoff ensues with the home's inhabitants when they make their way out. And just when they think they're in the clear, a startling realization comes as they see that threat expands well beyond the boarders of the secluded home.

Nailbiter is a unique monster film that does a phenomenal job of balancing the monster that mother nature can be with that which can be very real or physical. The build to the monster's reveal is fantastic, preying on the mind of the viewer with every grunt, rustle and clawing sound which is wonderfully pulled off in the sound design. My only gripe with the film is the soundtrack which is deployed in excess and cuts through some of the atmosphere and tension building moments.

Minor quibbles aside, Nailbiter is everything a solid horror film should be: scary, bloody, and downright horrifying. Keep your peepers peeled for this one.

P.S. What is it about the National Weather Service radio broadcast that is just so damn creepy? Check out the trailer if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

For more information about the film, check out its website: http://www.nailbitermovie.com/

Cortez the Killer

ATM (2012)

Fear 2/5
Gore 1/5
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 1/5

I should have known better. All the warning signs were there: young, white, douchey, twenty-somethings, find themselves trapped by a masked killer, making dumb decision after dumb decision. I have only myself to blame. But long-time followers know my penchant for watching really terrible slashers and loving the holy hell out of them. Alas, they are my kryptonite. But this one, while the premise is pulled off decently enough (I mean really, who gets trapped in an ATM?), the film asks way too much of the viewer to accept. Not to mention it completely throws all sense and rationale out the window.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum (Corey and David) are two investor banking buddies. Corey is the requisite douchebag extreme and David is the good guy but still annoying as all get-out. David and Corey talk about that night's festivities, an office Christmas party at a co-worker's house. Corey tells David it's time to grow a pair and ask the office assistant he's been ogling over the past few months out as 1) she's leaving for a new job soon and 2) everyone gets smashed at work X-mas parties so it's perfect timing for acting stupid and trying to get into her knickers.

So party time commences that night and after mingling with some more douchey whiteys (apparently people of other ethnic origin are not hired at their place of employment, either that or janitors weren't welcome to the party), David decides to leave. On the way out, he thinks it the perfect opportunity to ask the office assistant if she needs a ride home and she happily obliges. But he's stuck with also giving Corey McDoucheypants a ride home too because he's way too smashed to drive himself.

Our trio of ridiculously good looking white kids head out into the late night but Corey soon pleads for a midnight snack before he's dropped off. He convinces David to stop at a local pizza joint but before they do so, he needs to stop at an ATM to pull out an Andrew Jackson. Hence the impetus behind our triple threat of idiots being trapped, stalked, and terrorized by a parka sporting killer.

But just how they get themselves (all 3 mind you as it's just Corey who needs to get some dough) stuck in the ATM is just altogether silly. Corey, still drunk coaxes David into coming inside. Seems his magnetic strip (which mysteriously got him into the ATM booth in the first place) is not working and he needs David to pull out some dinero. Ditzy McGee decides she doesn't want to stay in the car and heads inside the ATM to find Tweedledee and Tweedledum squabbling like school kids. Money is pulled out and just as they leave, they see the figure which will serve as their nightmare for the next few hours.

And from here on out it's pretty much a cat and mouse game as they try to escape the confines of the now freezing ATM. People get killed along the way (first a passerby and then a mall cop) and it leads to one big finale where way too much is asked of the viewer to accept with it's 'shocking' conclusion. I won't play the spoils here. Just trust me. And oh boy, the random, laughable, love scene in the middle of all the madness was Anakin on Naboo funny.

Cortez the Killer

Take Shelter (2011)

Fear 3/5
Gore 0/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 3/5

Take Shelter is the most emotionally moving film watching experience I've had thus far this year. While not technically a horror film (it does have some scares and some genuinely terrifying moments), I do like to bring attention to some different films every now and then. This gripping story will keep you glued and anxiety riddled for much of its run time as you question the mental conditions of the central character and if he is, in fact, going completely out of his mind.

Curtis is a simple, blue collar family man. He has a loving wife and a special needs daughter, both of which adore him immensely. Despite the drain of being the sole provider, he doesn't complain about it despite comments from a co-worker who wonders aloud how he does it: manual labor at an essentially thankless job, being a loving husband and a caring father to a girl who needs special attention. None of that really seems to phase him and it becomes apparent that he is just as content as content can be with the life he is leading.

But things grow worrisome for him as he has recurring nightmares of a storm of the century, rolling through town, and creating havoc. In one of his dreams, he envisions his dog attacking him. Things start off subtly with regards to his metal faculties as he builds a fence enclosure and places the dog inside it along with a doghouse. At first, the wife questions it but doesn't worry too much when he claims it's just a dog and dogs belong outside. However, with his dreams growing in number and his night terrors becoming more violent (including instances of wetting the bed) his wife grows rightfully more concerned.

Despite advice from a doc to travel out of town to see a shrink, he instead visits a local counselor who doesn't do much to ease his mind. He later makes a trip out to his elderly mother who's living in an assisted living facility. Upon visiting her, we are painted a much bigger picture. One of mental illness and fears that he himself may be headed down the same path that claimed his mother.

Things come to a boiling point when he takes out a loan against his home to improve his storm shelter out back, tricking it up and putting all of the necessary safety features in place that will ensure the protection of his family should the 'big' one hit. Just when the townspeople have all called him crazy and his wife is at her wits end, a storm rolls through town and he thinks this is it. They take refuge in the shelter and despite his insistence that the big one is rolling through creating havoc, it is nowhere near as decimating as his mind had conceived. However, shortly thereafter, things come to a heartbreaking yet beautiful end. I won't say how but I will say that it will leave you in complete awe.

With fine acting propelling this feature, it really should have received some more notoriety within the film awards community. Anchored by wonderful performances from Michael Shannon and Jessica Chastain, Take Shelter is an intense and gripping dramatic thriller. This is one to be celebrated and watched time and time again.

Cortez the Killer

Altitude (2010)

Fear 0/5
Gore 0/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5

I'm going to get straight to the point: Altitude is trite, boring, listless garbage. Any number of possibilities could have found its way into this mess making it far more interesting than the crapfest I viewed onscreen. Instead of being thoughtful and original the filmmakers chose stock and simple. This should be renamed Dipshits On a Plane.

Altitude tells the story of five soon-to-be college friends who, instead of opting for the usual vehicular road trip, they take an airplane piloted by their gal pal out to a concert. She lost her mom years before in a plane crash, her mother being a private pilot herself. Despite the fact that she isn't fully certified and that her dad (yes, he's a pilot too) doesn't want her to fly on her own, she decides to anyways. Great idea!

The five kids themselves are of the garden variety horror type: the bimbo with a drug problem, the jock who wants to do nothing more than to binge drink, the pseudo boyfriend with an unrequited love, the aforementioned pilot girl who is completely self-centered and loner guy who's along for the ride for God knows what reason. So they all board Dumbass Air and it's off they go into the wild blue yonder.

After some superficial dialogue about life, what they're going to do after they graduate, and some bickering between the now belligerent jock and unrequited love guy, they find themselves flying straight into a nasty storm. At this time, our pilot thinks it a good idea to inform the group that she hasn't received her full certification and that she's not permitted to fly into storms or cloud cover. If she can't see the ground, she can't fly at all. But things go all weird when the plane inexplicably increases altitude and strange monster-like groans are heard outside.

Some more bickering takes place and our group flips out and becomes completely irrational (read: annoying as fuck). All that you hope for at this point is that they make dumb decisions and die. And that's what essentially happens. They think it a good idea to have one of them exit the plane while tethered to the inside of it to fix the now stuck back tail. The hope being that a properly functioning one will help lower their altitude. Poor loner guy gets the job and monster lurking in the clouds strikes. Basically all hell breaks loose from here on out as druggie girl overdoses and jock and lover boy continue to fight.

All of this leads to one lame revelation of why they are in this elevation ascending and monster infested cloud cover: *SPOILER ALERT* unrequited love guy is a comic book and fantasy geek who, whenever he reads comics or a particularly engrossing book, the monsters actually leap off the page and into reality. Dead. Fucking. Serious.

This could very well have been a cool blend of The Twilight Zone and Lovecraft. Instead it feels cheap and basic. Instead of creating likeable characters we felt for we were given standard genre fodder. Feigned drama was preferred over creating genuine tension and fear. And numerous emotional avenues could have been explored which were not.  Like give one of the characters a genuine fear of flying or another one having lost a loved one in a tragic accident that plays well into their fears. Something, anything that would make me latch on and make me care over and above the beaten to a dead horse 'that guy's a jock' or' that girls a bimbo.' Cheap, boring, lazy, skip.

Cortez the Killer

Salute Your Shorts!

I recently had the pleasure of checking out the following short films. Be on the lookout for them as they make their way through various film festivals and por favor, check out the filmmaker's sites for more details surrounding these and other works. They are definitely worthy of your time and attention.  


Familiar (2012)

Fear 3/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 4/5

Coming from the same production team behind 2010's Worm, Familiar is a perfect companion piece to that film. Whereas Worm focused on the inner maniacal ravings of a teacher, bogged down by the system, and the rut of his everyday job but ultimately, he's pretty harmless as he never acts out the horrors that are swirling in his head, Familiar sees the exact opposite happening....with a much more startling effect.

Starring again in the title role, Robert 'I want to see him in a feature length production so badly!' Nolan, fantastically plays a father beat down and cynical by the trappings of every day life. But he's oh so close to getting his only kid out of the house, on to college, and then it's onwards to enjoying retirement. Despite the drag of it all, it's this one thing (and the idea of purchasing a new pickup) that keeps him going. But his fantasy is crushed when he learns that his wife is expecting.

So what does he do? Let's just say he works to rid himself of the 'problem.' But there is one more festering within, a monster that needs escape, needs release and needs to make sure that what he ultimately desires is fully realized. A fantastic psychological horror that will make you cringe during its climax.

http://www.fatalpictures.com/

 

House Call (2011)

Fear 3/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 3/5

House Call focuses on a young couple, happily celebrating their 1 year anniversary. The only problem? The girl killed her abusive ex and crazy mom that was holed up in an asylum is actually out and just so happens to be a witch. And she places a curse on them both. The spirit of her dead son comes back, he's pissed, and out for revenge.

Not a whole lot of depth here other than what I've outlined above. But where the film really shines is with the genuine scares that are delivered and an honest to goodness reliance on practical gore effects. I actually shed a tear. It was beautiful. Had CGI been used, this film would have been knocked down a few rungs on my ladder of awesome.

http://www.facebook.com/HouseCallmovie

 

Microcinema (2011)

Fear 2/5
Gore 1/5
Entertainment 4/5
Creepiness 3/5

Another great psychological horror thrill, Microcinema breaks the typical slasher mold. Instead of playing within the confines of your standard sub-genre tropes, Microcinema seeks to explore the actual rationale behind the killer's doings. It's not just some 'Mommy messed me up really bad' justification. Or 'I was wronged by the school jock' impetus. This is one born out of a perceived practical application. And the script and dialogue are both masterfully written and delivered.

Where the film goes next is interesting (to say the least) as our central character actually runs into someone who is just as much if not more of a monster than he is.

You can actually check out Microcinema RIGHT NOW for the paltry sum of $0.99 cents. Put down that pack of gum and check this out!

http://www.watchmicrocinema.com/ 


Microcinema Trailer from Harvest Tide Productions on Vimeo.

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

Fear 2/5
Gore 4/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 1/5

I'm dubbing Scott Spiegel (Hostel III) the king of the direct-to-video horror sequel. As a matter of fact, this sequel is just as much zany fun as the original. I had never seen it before until I bought a cheapo quad feature BluRay disc on sale at the local Target for $10. Never has an Alexander Hamilton been better spent.

After a neato false start (featuring a movie within a movie starring Bruce Campbell and Tiffani 'Kelly Kapowski' Thiessen), we are introduced to Buck, a complete low life who's hanging out in a Texas motel with his girlfriend. It's not long before the local five-o comes rapping on the front door, entering the establishment and pestering the heck out of Buck about Luther, a good buddy of his who's just escaped police custody. Buck claims to have no idea about where he is and despite multiple attempts to get him to cough up the whereabouts, the police leave with nary a clue.

Buck soon gets a call from Luther with an offer of a job. Seems that just across the Texas border in Mexico, there's a bank that's keeping a huge some of money with very little security watching it 'round the clock. Along with a handful of other miscreants, they plan to meet up at a motel just across the border. But things get a little side tracked when Buck's buddy drops by the infamous Titty Twister bar seeking a ride after his car breaks down. Luther eventually meets up with the rest of the gang but he's definitely not his usual self.

An insane bloodbath ensues as Luther attacks a roadside harlot who's decided to shack up with his chicano buddy at the motel. A fantastic scene here as he attacks her while she's taking a shower and a Psycho-esque death plays out. El chicano doesn't get out without being turned himself but not before he kills his big breasted bed buddy. He and Luther then meet up with the others and they all head out to the bank to pull off their heist.

The group make their way to El Banco and easily take out the unsuspecting guard. The job becomes a little tougher than they thought when they enter the well-secured bank vault. But that's the least of their worries. The vampire turned friends have it planned to take the money and do their buddies in. However, all of that becomes compromised when La Policia show up and another bloodbath ensues as our gun toting friends and their fang bearing brethren have it out with them.

As you can see, this sequel has just as much of a thin plot as the original. But there are some things here that filmmaker Scott Spiegel does that makes it interesting (similar to the touches he added to the Hostel mythos). There's a neat scene in which the chicano fights off his lady of the night attacker with a bedside bible in his motel room. And the standoff at the end features a solar eclipse that our undead beings have to contend with. Great additions that really add to the overall affair and makes it not just a carbon copy of the original. Oh yeah, and it's fun as hell too.

Cortez the Killer