Saturday, July 7, 2007

Don't Answer The Phone! (1980)

Fear: 0/5
Gore 0/5
Creepiness: 2/5
Entertainment: 2/5
Nightmares: 0/5
T&A: 2/5
Truly Ugly People: 5/5
Wow, glad I didn't pay for this poo-poo burrito. Don't Answer The Phone! (complete with exclamation point) is a truly golden turd. With nary a drop of blood until the very end (and then it's literally like a drop), this barely qualifies as horror except that the story is about a fat, sweating, grunting, weightlifting butterball who goes around strangling pretty ladies. It's very similar to Maniac except it's neither disturbing, gory, frightening or even entertaining. About the only thing going for it is that it's so bad, it's kind of good.
First and foremost, the cast of this film may be the ugliest group of people I've ever seen. Now, I understand that fashion in 1980 was at an all time low, but still, that's a realtively weak excuse when you see these people. Imagine Gabe Kaplan mating with Carol Channing and you have the cast. The music is equally ugly, more a series of electronic (read MOOG) farts and burps set to a funky beat.
The tone of the movie is set immediately from the first kill scene. It says: This is the kind of movie where women strip down to their undies immediately after closing the front door. They also sit in front of a mirror to brush their golden 70's witch-length hair, never bothering to lock the door behind them. Then they are strangled by the fat dude who breathes heavily and sweats all over the place while their unsupported 70's boobs flop about.
At some point near the middle of the movie, the focus shifts to the cops who are tracking the guy down, stumbling and bumbling over their oversized ties and facial hair all the way. The music becomes even more funky as the mood lightens and we are suddenly in a comedy. Hooray!
The dialogue is tremendous, the acting even better, the story line sharp as a razor. SIKE.
This is such a bad movie. So bad. Rent it by all means, but do it with a bunch of friends and get really tanked before starting it. Then - it's amazing.
- Complaint Dept

1 comment:

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