Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Top 10 WORST Horror Films of 2012

It's that time of year again kiddos. Time to reflect, spend time with family, eat an assload of food, drink yourself into a stupor, and hit on that cute, young cousin of yours. OK, maybe not that last part. Depending on what part of the country you live in of course.

ANYWAYS, in the horror blog-o-sphere, this time of year means that it's year end list time. YAY!! And what better way to kick things off than to celebrate (read: don't watch these at any cost) the crap crap crappiest of shit sandwiches. And without further adieu....

10. V/H/S:

Considering the level of talent involved, this found footage anthology was a monumental let down. Never mind the severe logic gaps (how the hell are Skype conversations captured on VHS tapes?), the stories themselves were devoid of any genuine tension or scares. By the 3rd story, you want to dial up your local cable provider and ask for a refund.

9. The Fields:

Really the only thing going for this scare-less, pointless, and ultimately frustrating home invasion flick, is the one and only Cloris Leachman playing the part of a foul mouthed, badass granny. But even she's not enough to carry this absolute shit heap of a film.

8. Dead Weight:

An unfortunate film with an unfortunate title. This hollow post apocalyptic thriller is long, tedious, and just flat out boring. There is no rhyme or reason for any of the character's actions and the thin characterizations of each makes it really difficult to feel any true empathy. So when the proverbial shit hits the fan, it's a big ol' 'meh.'

7. ATM:

I don't think any film caused a more verbal rash of diarrhea than this one. OK, that's not true (see #1). BUT this film is loaded with stupid characters doing stupid things. And who the fuck goes to ATMs anymore? A stupid, ill-conceived film with one absolutely terrible ending.  

6. The Gruesome Death of Tommy Pistol:

Jesus, I don't think I saw a more painfully trying to be funny and clever and failing on all levels horror comedy as this one. Terrible racist jokes, annoying over the top celebrity impersonations that just aren't funny, and really really really awful acting to boot. There is absolutely no merit to this story of an aspiring actor turned crazy for snuff. None. What. So. Ever.

5. Area 407:

I saw a fair share of shitty found footage flicks this year but Area 407 takes the poop frosted cake. This isn't spoiler-y at all as the trailer (and film art) reveal that this is a dinos gone wild found footage feature (alliteration TWICE in two sentences, BOOM). Filled with annoying characters and unexplained situations (why was there a mysterious dinosaur preserve?) and one hell of a laugh out loud, ridiculous ending, Area 407 is the cream of the found footage crop of crap (alliteration 3 times beotch!).

I didn't write on this screen capture but I found it on the interwebs and thought it was funny.

4. The Tortured:

Another unfortunately titled flick, it features poor acting and another paycheck, phoned in performance from Bill Moseley. 'Look into the camera Bill. Now give me creepy. No no, more Devil's Rejects creepy.' Actually he's not the worst part of the film. The film is a revenge tale and the father and mother duo are the most improbable onscreen couple ever to pull off some SAW-esque hijinks. Tortured viewing indeed.

3. Entrance:

Ugh. Long and drawn out, Entrance is supposed to be a slow burn character piece but the characters aren't all that interesting. Unless you consider whiney, hispter, coffee house working, good looking white people interesting. By the time our 'shocking' ending comes around, it's much too little too late. Incredibly boring in every way.

2. Mr. Bricks: A Heavy Metal Murder Musical

I love heavy metal. It rarely (if ever) goes well with horror. I don't know why filmmakers insist on combining the two. But a musical? Gotta say that's pretty ambitious. But this doesn't work at all. Terrible songs, singing, and loaded with a completely nonsensical plot and CGI gore, you've got yourself one epic disaster of a film. So at least the filmmakers got that part right. And never, in the history of this blog, has more insane comments been posted to a review. Just click on the title and see for yourself.

1. Munger Road:

This film gets the number one spot for a whole slew of reasons. As a matter of fact, I can dedicate an entire blog post to it. But this ghost tale, slasher flick, I-don't-know-what-I-want-to-be-at-all horror film, is one of the most insulting flicks I've ever seen. Not only does it not go anywhere, but it assumes that the viewer will like the film. Yes kiddies, this one ends with the dreaded 'To Be Continued....' If that wasn't enough, the director has reacted very poorly to bad reviews. Bad form. Bad form.

(Dis)honorable mentions:

- Apartment 143 -- AKA Emergo
- 6 Degrees of Hell
- Detention
- Found
- Pretty Dead

Cortez the Killer


mike snoonian said...

I agree with most of this list, but will fight anyone that tells me that there's a film out there worse than DETENTION. Fuck that movie right in its ass.

Adam M said...

I agree, Detention is hands down the worse film of the year!

Girl on Gore said...

Haha! Love this! Hmm..Am I totally twisted and masochistic for wanting to watch all of these? :) Thanks for sharin!

RedRum said...

Good Top 10, VHS is horrible and so boring. The ending of entrance was good and surprising, the film will be deserved the five position xD.

PD: Where is the review of the musical "the dead inside" 2011??? is one of the best films of the year!!

Kev D. said...

I think my list would be The Asylum and Full Moon Picture's entire output.

But yeah... good list (and by good I mean bad).

The Film Connoisseur said...

Agree Kev D., I absolutely loathed The Haunted Casino! I thought it would be an old school throw back to those old Full Moon movies...but boy it reeked!

Planet of Terror said...

@Mike, I was very close to including it. But I was mildly entertained....for about 20 mins. It did get a (dis)honorable nod.

@Adam M, I won't argue with you there! It was definitely bad.

@Girl on Gore, yes, yes you are. Either that or you love to get momentary cases of tourette's.

@RedRum, never heard of it sir. Is it a stinker?

@Kev D, no denying that. But that's a pretty easy target, dontcha think? :)

@TFC, I think Haunted Casino made last year's list. As a matter of fact, it did!