Monday, November 12, 2012
The Bay (2012)
And the found footage train just keeps on plowing through, full steam ahead kids! This sub genre shows no signs of slowing down despite film fans crying uncle and wishing immediate harm to anyone that is involved with such a production. Oh, call me a sucker alright. I can't get enough of these films no matter how bad or how good they are. Well The Bay falls into the former category and not in an 'Oh so bad it's good' kind of way. Despite some decent scares, painful dialogue is present throughout as one of the worst protagonists in horror history leads us through the proceedings. Yes it's that bad.
We're introduced to a young female and fledgling (read: hack) reporter who begins to tell us in over exaggerated fashion about the history of her quaint seaside town in Maryland. Throughout the entire film, she's shown through the lens of her computer's camera as she narrates the footage we're watching. The town itself, is full of hardworking and good ol' John Cougar Mellencamp playing Americans who are whiter than a box of Saltines. Every 4th of July, the town gets festive but this 4th will be unlike any other. For some reason, through the course of her relaying the events from that day, she loves to lick her lips for some extra emphasis or something. It's beyond annoying and it occurs multiple times throughout the film.
Anywhos, Dimwit McTwittleFuck talks about the evil local mayor who's been hiding the secrets of the town. You see they are mostly known for their chicken farm, a farm that produces more chickens for mass consumption than almost anywhere in the US. So much so, that the excrement from the chickens spews out from the farm and has entered the local waters rendering it mostly devoid of life. That is until parasites are found within some fish that are caught and they love to squirm their way into the mouthfaces of their victims (think of Night of The Creeps). As you can imagine, the whole town becomes infected on the 4th through both the food they eat and the insanely tainted water supply.
And back and forth we go during the rest of the film between our reporter annoyingly narrating it all and the multiple pieces of footage that were recorded that day (i.e. police cruiser, families on outings, hospital security cams, etc.). As mentioned, some decent scares are employed and there's some icky scenes as the first stage of 'infection' involves boils and lesions. But my god, the dialogue is just so unbearably awful and valley girl-ish that it's hard to take anything seriously and it really rips you out of the experience. And that damn lip licking thingy!
All in all, I've seen worse (Area 407 anybody?). Maybe The Bay would have worked better as a B- movie instead of employing the found footage conceit. Regardless, this is a pretty bad movie and for the life of me I can't figure out why it's getting love from critics and scoring so well on Rotten Tomatoes. Go figure.
Cortez the Killer