Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Hollow (2011)

Fear 0/5
Gore 0/5
Entertainment 1/5
Creepiness 1/5

Hey kids! Guess what? The Brits can make really really REALLY awful found footage films too! It's not just a plague on this side of the world anymore. Rejoice! Hollow chews up everything that is wrong with this sub genre and spits it out on a shit platter and expects us to eat it up. Well I obviously took a bite but that doesn't mean you have to, my noble readers!

Emma is dead set on spending a weekend away in a quaint home in the English countryside that used to be owned by a family member. Along with her soon-to-be husband, their quiet and reserved buddy, and a gal that he's brought along to seduce the douchey fiance so that he shows his true colors in the hopes that he can finally be her even though she doesn't want him, Emma is also doing a bit of detective work. You see, the house, its history, as well of that of an old tree is filled with stories of young couples coming under the spell of an ancient evil that resides within the area. That evil is never fully explained but it goes something like this: an old medieval town saw tragedy centuries ago when a squire and his love became shunned by the local townsfolk. They hung themselves on the tree and ever since, it has been the site of other couples who fall under its spell and do the same. Got that?

And nothing really happens in during the first 45 minutes of this film. Sure they find some creepy artifacts around the house but not a single goddamn thing actually happens. They interview the local vicar who vaguely tells them to piss off but he hopes they come back again soon to visit. They play strip poker and drink. They cruise past the creepy old tree numerous times and explore the ruins of the old town. Some strange voices are heard but that's about it. And of course, they're filming it all.

Another night of boredom rolls around and this time one of the friends thinks it a good idea to bring out their stash of nose candy. They get high as a kit and think it a good idea to go strolling through the graveyard at the church and then walk out to the old tree to really see what all this fuss is about. But not before doing a few more lines of coke of course! So they get there and hear strange noises and then whorish blondie who was brought there to seduce the hubby strips naked and begins making out with him. They all freak out thinking she's come under the spell of the tree and Emma asks 'Oh my god, why is your nose is bleeding??!!' which sends everyone into a tizzy. Never mind the fact that SHE JUST SNORTED ANOTHER FUCKING LINE OF COKE.

So another day comes and everyone is pissed at each other. They pack up and it get ready to head out of town. But before they do, they realize that their quiet and reserved buddy has wandered off. Guess what happened to him? The next 20 minutes of the film are about them, stuck in a broken down car after they've gone out in search of him, trying to figure out what to do and whether or not they should leave the confines of their vehicle. Some noises are heard outside of it but you never see ANYTHING. All of this leads to one dull, listless conclusion, ripped straight from the Blair Witch Project. In fact, ALL of the scares in this film are ripped directly from that film.

Do I really need to say anything more? Avoid this one at all costs. Goddammit Tribeca Film. You're better than this!

Cortez the Killer

No comments: