Saturday, July 7, 2012

Piranha 3DD (2012)

Fear 0/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 1/5
Creepiness 0/5

Oy vey, this is lowest common denominator bullshit. 'But Cortez, it's CALLED Piranha 3 Double-Fucking- D!!!' This type of expression my friends is becoming an alarming trend in defense of really bad or mediocre films. A bad film is a bad film and this is surely one.

A plot (if you must know) synopsis: an opportunistic sleazeball (David Koechner, reprising his 'WHAMMY!' role from Anchorman) buys a water park. He enlists his daughter's help in running the joint and he does so like a 'Girls Gone Wild' audition tape. Knott's Sleaze City at its finest.

Of course, a group of douchebaggy, young twenty somethings decide to be patrons of the joint. A seismic shift (shit?) happens, the ocean floor opens up, and our voracious appetite little munchies enter the park and all hell breaks loose.

The problem with the film lies in its really ill-timed and obvious jokes. Whereas the first film (remake) was sleazy and cheesy but still had a healthy respect for its audience, this installment is lazy and trite. From the one liners to the obvious and uncreative use of David Hasselhoff, it's uninspiring and ultimately boring. And I can't even begin to imagine how bad the 3D looked in theaters during its limited run. Because the 2D on my home setup sure looked awful. SyFy could have put a better production together than this one.

Save your $5 rental fee, even if you're mildly curious. Check out recently reviewed films like Exit Humanity, We Need To Talk About Kevin, or the just released (and insanely funny) Some Guy Who Kills People instead. You're welcome.

Cortez the Killer

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