Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Area 407 (2012)
This just might be the found footage film that breaks me. Area 407 is insulting on just about every level and each scare is ripped off from every other found footage flick you've ever seen. And the only thing that makes it unique (read: not involving the supernatural) is revealed in the trailer. To top off this shit sandwich, it features the most inane, laugh out loud and then subsequently go into an expletive-filled tirade ending to a film that I've ever seen. It is truly an affront to filmmaking.
Our story begins with an obnoxious pre-teen girl and her college age sister boarding a plane. Obnoxious pre-teen thinks it a good idea to film everything on her return trip back home and puts her camera in the faceholes of every boarding passenger. No one finds this the least bit suspicious or curious in this post-911 world.
OK, confession time. I fucking hate flying. No amount of drugs or Jack Daniels can curtail my fear and I white knuckle it each and every time. So I may be overly sensitive to this little twat and her camera but it was no less annoying to see her as she ruffled the feathers of each and every damn passenger on the plane.
So of course things don't go so great mid-flight and in the only tense moment of the film, the plane experiences some serious turbulence and begins to free fall. The dreadful screams freaked me right out and the ensuing crash will give me nightmares for years to come. Sadly, this is the only terrifying moment in the film (at least for me anyways).
The rest of our film involves the surviving passengers (which includes an obnoxious fat drunk guy, a stewardess, a journalist, a couple of other throw away characters and our two sisters) trying to find someone to rescue them from the terror that is stalking them in the surrounding woods. What is it exactly? Fucking dinosaurs. No spoiler alert here kiddos because as mentioned, this is revealed in the trailer. Oh yeah, and somehow, during the crash which splits the entire plane in two, the girl's video camera is miraculously unharmed. Of course, she feels the need to document everything no matter what danger is ever so present.
And so our arguing, constantly yelling, and crying into the camera group (a la Blair Witch) get killed off in boring and cliched fashion. You have your requisite drag on the ground while the character simultaneously has his arms outstretched and he's screaming only to have it all fade into the darkness as said dragging occurs. And a host of others take place that I can't bring myself to remember nor do I really care to.
But the greatest atrocity to be committed in this steaming pile of worthlessness is the ending. I'm not that much of an asshole that I'd reveal it because it is a new release. And I know that you, my dear and awesome readers, are smart enough to know when something looks like it has potential and when it's an obvious turdburger served extra rare. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a film's ending nor overly cursed the insulting efforts of those involved with such a low rent production. This one gets zero ratings all around.
Cortez the Killer