Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Top 5 Films That Will Not Play Well In Mixed Company

The most ardent of horror fans will tell you that they've been in this situation before: a group of friends come over for the night, the agenda being copious amounts of adult beverages, films, and of course, a good time. Sometimes, the selection for that evening's entertainment turns toward the more macabre and they immediately turn to you, the resident expert and aficionado. They may say something like 'I want to see the most messed up thing you've got, something really nasty.' And you may think to yourself or say aloud, 'Um, no you don't.' They may press and say 'No film can be that bad' and you assure them that they can, trying not to get into specifics so that you don't reveal yourself for the true freak you are. You instead steer them to something that's more palatable, something that's both fun and scary but has hardly the chance to shatter a soul or make one search for the nearest bottle of bleach to wash out their eyeballs.

But if they begin to make headway, if they inch you closer to making you say 'Alright already, shut the fuck up, I'll put something on', here are the top 5 films you should think twice about. Trust me, just reach for your copy of Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, or The Evil Dead and pop one of those in instead. You'll be better off.

Warning: this list may contain spoilers.

5. Martyrs- You just might be able to get by with this one because there is an existential and thoughtful nature to it. Oh who the hell am I kidding? Within the first part of the film there is a shotgun slaughtering of a family. From then, a gruesome discovery of a fucked up house of horrors complete with women who've had their orifices sewn shut. To top it all off, one of our leading ladies is tortured and sees the outer layer of skin removed from almost her entire body.


4. Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom- Torture: check. Sodomy: check. Forced feast of fecal matter: check. Branding, scalping, tongues and eyeballs removed: discount double check. Four Italian powers that be kidnap 18 men and women. Along with a handful of prostitutes, they are forced to do or partake in the above shameful things and more. Artistic merits aside, this is not a film for average Joe Friday movie goer.


3. The Bunny Game- While I find this to be a fantastic piece of art and a rewarding film experience, your average film going, 'I love explosions go BOOM' Michael Bay loving friends more than likely won't. In fact, they probably won't get through the first 15 minutes. A prostitute in Los Angeles gets tossed around from client to client like a used hypodermic needle: from forceful fellatio to rough, almost rape-like sex, all is displayed in its gory glory. It's also her lucky day as she eventually runs into a truck driver who takes her out to the California desert where a never ending barrage of torture occurs over the course of a few days.


2. Family Portraits: A Trilogy of America- This is the most fucked up anthology I've ever seen. All of the stories are character studies about people who are hiding from painful pasts or dealing with current existences that are particularly difficult. The most messed up of which, a woman who's husband has lost all affection and sexual lust for her, goes to great lengths just to get him to pay attention to her. She goes off the deep end one day when she finds out what he's doing with their son. The coup de grace? She takes a pair of scissors to her lips, in his guilt, the husband has sex with her blood smeared body and mid-orgasm, he takes a pair of garden sheers, cuts of her nipples and then his own penis. AND THAT'S ONLY THE FIRST 1/3 OF THE FILM.


1. Cannibal Holocaust- There just might be one of your friends that says 'Hey, I heard the whole found footage thing kind of started with this flick. I want to see it.' Just show this asshole the film when your other friends aren't around and save him the embarrassment of being in the fetal position on the couch for the vast majority of it. What is there to say about this film that hasn't already been said or barfed into a trash receptacle? The phallic shaped stone rape and bludgeon scene as well as the final one of the film team being torn apart are forever seared into my brain.


Cortez the Killer

15 comments:

Jason said...

Yeah, I can agree with this list. I'd also add any of the August Underground movies, as well as Men Behind The Sun and Philosophy of a Knife. All films from the wing of my collection that I call, "No, because you'll look at me, say, 'WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU', and flee."

The Film Connoisseur said...

I still need to see Salo! Totally agree on Martyrs, a truly disturbing film. Cannibal Holocaust remains an all time favorite shocker of mine!

Theres a series of movies called Anthropophagus or something like that that I hear are very disturbing. Another one you could add is a Serbian film which I havent seen...but I hear is so messed up I'd rather not even give it a try...or maybe I will at some point.

TAXIDERMIA is another one...I mean on that one we see a guy who has a flame thrower for a dick! And a lady gives birth to a half baby half pig thing...and....you gotta check that one out if you havent already!

SonOfCelluloid said...

I've experienced the exact scenario you described. I disagree however, that reaching for something tame is the way to go. I LOVE watching the reactions to something like Human Centipede 2 or the Guinea Pig flicks or Vision of Suffering. Two Christmases ago I went to hang out with a bunch of my friends and they told me to bring the most messed up movie I own. I took Serbian Film. A couple of people dug it like I did, another couple respected it on an artistic level, and I ruined everyone else's Christmas. That's how this Grinch rolls.

The Film Connoisseur said...

He he, Son of Celluloid, I love doing that too! Love to see everyone cringe when I put some fucked up movie.

Planet of Terror said...

@Jason, I haven't seen any of those films yet. Worth checking out? I have that same 'wing' in my collection of films. The 'steer clear of unless you totally want scar your audience wing.'

@TFC, I wouldn't tell anyone they NEED to see Salo :) But we are brothers in demented-ness so I say, yes, it's essential viewing.

@Son of Celluloid, holy hell that's hilarious. You have far bigger balls than I. I salute you!

Planet of Terror said...

@TFC, I've seen A Serbian Film, and although it is messed up, it's nowhere near as bad as I was lead to believed. And I really hated it. Different topic for a different day. I'll have to look into those other films you mention.

Keep it coming guys! Looks like I've got a list of films I need to check out in the not too distant future, complete with barf bags standing by!

the jaded viewer said...

Solid list. I'd add Goodbye Uncle Tom as well. Slavery atrocities are just not good times.

Jason said...

Cortez, hard to say. The August Underground movies are practically plotless, just the "found footage" meanderings of a serial killer and his buddies. A lot of vomiting that appears real. The blood and special effects are really good, which is the one saving grace. I still count Mordum, the second movie, as the sickest thing I've ever seen. Which reminds me, I should've put Slaughtered Vomit Dolls on my original list....

Men Behind The Sun reminds me visually of Salo, except you can't comfort yourself with thoughts that "it's all just made up", because the atrocities it depicts actually happened during WWII. The highlight, if you can call it that, is one prisoner's intestines being blown out his anus during an extreme pressure experiment.

And Philosophy of a Knife is similar but way longer and shot in more of a pseudo-documentary style.

I like to inflict lesser scarring on my guests; the farthest I've gone is Audition, which had a good story to draw them in before the tortuous ending. I'm thinking next time I'll treat them to Inside.

Planet of Terror said...

@Jaded, I was waiting for your response. Glad this met your approval of f'ed-up-edness! Looks like there's another film to add to this list.

@Jason, and a couple more films to add to the list! You guys are going to have me covered in vomit in no time.

I don't know if I can get down fucked up for fucked up sake. Maybe that's why I haven't checked out the August Underground films. BUT curiosity just may get the better of me.

Men Behind the Sun sounds really intriguing.

Inside is one of my favorite horror films of the past decade, heck, of all-time. So incredibly shot and I loved the whole 'what's her motive?' question that runs throughout and keeps you second guessing everything. Good call sir!

Jason said...

Cortez, you should probably write something up one of these days about "extreme horror" and people like you and me who seek out the worst of the worst, like people who test themselves against "insanity pepper" hot wings or go to extreme lengths to ride the world's craziest roller coasters. What drives us? Is it the endorphin rush we get from the illusion of danger viewed from a position of actual safety? Plain old machismo, just seeing how much you can take? Or is there something really wrong with us?

Well, I say "us", even though I'm clearly normal and you're a door-chewing maniac....

Planet of Terror said...

Jason, that is a fantastical idea! I just might do so. Thanks for the suggestion.

Matt-suzaka said...

Haven't thought about family Portrait in some time, but it's hard to forget about that tit sheering scene!

Great list, and I have seen most of these, save for Salo, which is on the to watch list. If I were to add one, off the top of my head I can think of Nacho Cerda's short film, Aftermath. A movie as gorgeous as it is appalling.

Planet of Terror said...

Matt, Aftermath is a another film I wouldn't show the average friend/movie goer. Goddamn that scarred my soul.

Brad said...

God, FUCK AFTERMATH.

Mike said...

Wow... I've finally found a group of people who are as fucked up as I am. Thank you all.