Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The Top 5 Films That Will Not Play Well In Mixed Company
But if they begin to make headway, if they inch you closer to making you say 'Alright already, shut the fuck up, I'll put something on', here are the top 5 films you should think twice about. Trust me, just reach for your copy of Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, or The Evil Dead and pop one of those in instead. You'll be better off.
Warning: this list may contain spoilers.
5. Martyrs- You just might be able to get by with this one because there is an existential and thoughtful nature to it. Oh who the hell am I kidding? Within the first part of the film there is a shotgun slaughtering of a family. From then, a gruesome discovery of a fucked up house of horrors complete with women who've had their orifices sewn shut. To top it all off, one of our leading ladies is tortured and sees the outer layer of skin removed from almost her entire body.
4. Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom- Torture: check. Sodomy: check. Forced feast of fecal matter: check. Branding, scalping, tongues and eyeballs removed: discount double check. Four Italian powers that be kidnap 18 men and women. Along with a handful of prostitutes, they are forced to do or partake in the above shameful things and more. Artistic merits aside, this is not a film for average Joe Friday movie goer.
3. The Bunny Game- While I find this to be a fantastic piece of art and a rewarding film experience, your average film going, 'I love explosions go BOOM' Michael Bay loving friends more than likely won't. In fact, they probably won't get through the first 15 minutes. A prostitute in Los Angeles gets tossed around from client to client like a used hypodermic needle: from forceful fellatio to rough, almost rape-like sex, all is displayed in its gory glory. It's also her lucky day as she eventually runs into a truck driver who takes her out to the California desert where a never ending barrage of torture occurs over the course of a few days.
2. Family Portraits: A Trilogy of America- This is the most fucked up anthology I've ever seen. All of the stories are character studies about people who are hiding from painful pasts or dealing with current existences that are particularly difficult. The most messed up of which, a woman who's husband has lost all affection and sexual lust for her, goes to great lengths just to get him to pay attention to her. She goes off the deep end one day when she finds out what he's doing with their son. The coup de grace? She takes a pair of scissors to her lips, in his guilt, the husband has sex with her blood smeared body and mid-orgasm, he takes a pair of garden sheers, cuts of her nipples and then his own penis. AND THAT'S ONLY THE FIRST 1/3 OF THE FILM.
1. Cannibal Holocaust- There just might be one of your friends that says 'Hey, I heard the whole found footage thing kind of started with this flick. I want to see it.' Just show this asshole the film when your other friends aren't around and save him the embarrassment of being in the fetal position on the couch for the vast majority of it. What is there to say about this film that hasn't already been said or barfed into a trash receptacle? The phallic shaped stone rape and bludgeon scene as well as the final one of the film team being torn apart are forever seared into my brain.
Cortez the Killer