Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Gruesome Death of Tommy Pistol (2010)
I really don't understand how some filmmakers, when everything is said and done, can't objectively step back from their work and see it for what it is and decide not to release it upon an unsuspecting public. Of course, I'm talking about a work that is an exceptional piece of shit. For the life of me, I don't understand how films like this are conceived and so ill produced. This is the kind of film that makes me want to stop watching horror altogether and give up writing a blog. Jesus Christ this is a monumental achievement in idiocy and total ineptness. If someone tells me 'Well that's how it's supposed to be' or that I didn't 'get' it or some other lazy, bullshit cop out excuse, my head will explode.
Writing a review for this travesty will be just as much of a chore as sitting through it. Tommy is a loser. He wants to really be an actor. His girlfriend tells him he's a good for nothing, broke joke, and that she's leaving him for good. But he'll be damned if he listens to her and sets out to 'make it big.' Within the first 10 minutes of this film you are already incredibly annoyed by the poor dialogue, over the top delivery, and the 'I want to put my fist through them' stupid characters.
So Tommy sets out, taking a train trip, and taking up momentary residence in a seedy motel that's run by a middle eastern guy. Played by an actor painted in black face and with someone's shaved pubes affixed to his face, the performance is both irritating and highly offensive. Obviously, I can take gross humor and it takes a lot to offend me (I mean I DO write for a horror blog) but this was just completely unfunny in every way possible. A particular scene where the middle eastern proprietor and Tommy interact and he spouts off gay jokes is insulting and it completely encapsulates the entirety of the film. This film is a complete insult to viewers and horror fans everywhere. I digress.
Tommy responds to the ad the next day and thinks he's going to get the gig and be the star of the film. He's going to be the star alright. The star of an S&M styled porn flick but one that also incorporates a bit of snuff. Tommy gives an impassioned speech (read: insanely retarded) about how he's been waiting for this opportunity for a starring role his entire life. He's then shuffled off to a room where a woman is strapped to a gurney. The next scenes include deaths and mutilation by cheese graters and slap chops while some woman wails at irritating, ear drum piercing levels.It's like a 2nd rate A Serbian Film if that makes any sense whatsoever.
After feeling guilty, or wanting to get out of the 'biz (who the fuck knows at this point), Tommy decides to get a real honest gig, following around and being an assistant to actors on the set. And who does he have to be an errand running bitch to? One Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger . I know what you might be thinking. Torture porn, death by appliances, and a celebrity impersonator of one of the greatest action stars of our generation, running around, and yukking it up for the camera. How can this NOT be good? Trust me please, it's not. If you don't believe me, I'll happily send you my screener copy of the film, FREE of charge and you can come back here and tell me that I'm elitist asshole who's wrong. Leave a comment with your info and I'll send you this not even worthy of a beer coaster film. But is this all a dream? Is this all really happening? Whoopty fucking do. Who cares?
I implore you, avoid this at all costs. Unless you want a case of tourette's and a strong need to punch a puppy.
*Planet of Terror in no way condones or supports animal cruelty. This is the feeling you'll get when you watch this film. It will drive you to want to hurt poor, defenseless, cute animals. I love dogs. And animals. I give on the regular to my local shelter.
Cortez the Killer