Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Top 10 WORST Horror Films of 2011

I can't believe that I've never, in the history of this interweb-o-sphere blog, ever put together a list of worst horror films of the year. Crazy right? Especially considering the plethora of crap I've had to endure for your mild amusement.

These aren't oh-so-bad they're good films. Nary a redeemable quality is to be found. Even the most avid of fans would have a tough time sitting through these stinkfests. They're the types of films that give you a case of tourettes for an hour and a half or so. Films you only watch if maybe you're a masochist, lover of root canals, or enjoy-er of mud runs. In the nude. I suppose that's worse for a man than a woman. I digress.

Some of these weren't released this year as they're just now getting distribution (in the case of one, it was made in 2007!!). Without further ado, here are the top 10 ten worst, you-should-NOT-see-these-under-any-circumstances, horror films of the year.

10. Re-Cut

2011 was the year of the found footage flick on this here blog. I saw a ton of them. Most of them were bad. Consider Re-Cut one of the worst.

A pair of student filmmakers drag a local news reporter out to a small town and farm that has a checkered past. Despite many a 'don't go there' warnings, they head to the farm and find a creepy school room with scripture passages written on the walls. Is it a cult? Some sort of whacked out Jesus loving freaks a la Red State? After a long and unbelievably dull affair, it's nothing but a pair of overall wearing, drunken rednecks. Lame-o-matic.

9. The Absent

A slasher that doesn't get to slashing until the 2nd act. A brother who's estranged twin is back after years of being locked up in the cuckoo house for killing his mother and stepfather (for reasons undisclosed). Non-wacko brother, who's a teacher at a local high school, sees his students get picked off one by one. Said students are plug and play and of the garden variety. Teacher brother and wacko brother are revealed to be one in the same! Zzzzzzzzzzzz........

8. I Spit On Your Grave

Completely ignoring what made the original so great and not creating any real tension or drama, this is the worst remake I saw this year.

7. The Perfect House

The Perfect House is an anthology film that contains absolutely no point to any of its stories, the thinnest of motives behind each serial killer tale, along with some of the most unintelligible dialogue from any film I've seen this year. Truly godawful in every way possible. 

6. Kids Go To The Woods....Kids Get Dead

The name says it all. This is every horror cliche you've ever seen times a gajillion. A GAJILLION I SAY! Why do filmmakers continue to make films like this?

5. A Serbian Film (aka Srpksi Film)

CONTROVERSY! This film has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It's not artistic. There is no underlying meaning or theme here to be found. This is an exploitation flick being 'sold' to you as art. Never mind the fact that the situation of our lead is never really painted to be that dire that he needed to revert back to an extreme form of his old ways just to put food on the table. A vile, terrible, irredeemable piece of work.

4. The Haunted Casino 

A group of college age kids travel out to Sin City to renovate an old casino that was left to one of them in a will. They find out that it's haunted. By two spirits (Sid Haig and Michael Berryman collecting paychecks) who claim to be owed a treasure that was stolen from them by the uncle of the kid who inherited the joint. Why the fuck would two spirits give a shit about some lost treasure? Why should you give two shits about this film? Exactamente!

3. Ninjas vs. Vampires

No explanation needed.

2. The Haunting at The Beacon

A mourning-the-loss-of-their-young-son couple move into an old apartment complex and soon find it to be haunted. A paper mache'd masked being (no, I'm not kidding) that resembles a bastardized version of Pinhead roams the hallways. An odd cast of characters live in the complex including a bizarre superintendent. The film never really gets to a point with no less than three subplots running at any given time. You get bored to tears. Everyone in the building is revealed to be mythical demons. The end.

1. Creature

Completely uninspired and riddled with cliches, Creature isn't just bad because it fantastically failed at the box office. It contains trite characters that have been done 1,000 times over, a local 'legend' that is much to close to comfort to the one in Hatchet, and it also contains some of the worst editing I've ever seen in a film (hello really bad 'I can't tell what the hell happened' ending). Not to mention, the vast majority of kills occur off screen. To top off this shit sandwich with a rotten olive, the filmmaker was a big ol' baby and lashed out at us eCritics despite the fact that he proactively doled out screeners like dollar bills at a strip joint (click here for details).

(Dis)honorable mentions:

- Daylight
- Sweatshop
- The Ward
- Wake The Witch
- Respire

Cortez the Killer


the jaded viewer said...

I liked Sweatshop...even though it was overly cliched.

As for Serbian Film, I'm gonna have to defend it CTK as I named it my #1 film of 2010. Sure it was exploitation vicious but I found some message though it was buried under the newborn porn.

I don't even want to even check out Creature after hearing the garbage about it.

Planet of Terror said...

I couldn't stand any of the characters and it took waaaaaaaay too long to get to the payoff.

I don't find a single message to the entire affair and IMHO, think any message gleaned is a stretch. I feel a podcast debate coming on....

You don't want to see Creature. Under any circumstances. Not even if you're chemically enhanced.

B-Sol said...

WOW. I can proudly say I have never seen any of these films--ironically with one exception, and that would be I Spit on Your Grave. Which I actually liked very much!

Planet of Terror said...

B-Sol! What up old friend? Good to see you around these parts again.

And you don't want to see any of them unless you hate yourself and want to not get back 14 hours or so of your life :)

The problem that I had with ISOYG, is that none of the antagonists felt as dirty, grimy and ruthless as the original. They didn't feel like a genuine threat. To make matters worse, the lead didn't really evoke any genuine fear and any emotion that was expressed felt completely forced. On a surface level, it was like the original but it was unmatched in intensity. I will say though that the acid bath kill scene was pretty inventive.

B-Sol said...

Happy to be back, Cortez!

I found the new ISOYG to actually be more intense and tough to get through than the original. Even to a fault--for example, the female protagonist is so much more psycho and sadistic that I lost all sympathy for her. Still, I thought it was a better-made film than the Meir Zarchi original.

The Man-Cave said...

I didn't see half of these but they sound pretty bad dude. Ninjas vs. Vampires wasn't a horror film though. More like an action comedy that isn't really serious at all. If I saw Re-Cut, and that was the big "twist", I would've been well pissed.

Planet of Terror said...

@B-Sol, I definitely see what you're saying. The protagonist was much more calculated, much more gruesome and malicious in the set up and execution of her kills. I guess in that regard it was harder to empathize with her. But the film just didn't have the same level of intensity for me. I mean the rape scene was definitely brutal. But in the original, it was an absolute endurance test. Which made the subsequent scenes,and the lulling of her victims, that much more effective, IMHO. Good stuff B!

@The Man Cave, good call. It was more action horror than anything I guess. Like Blade only 10,000 times worse.