Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The Top 10 WORST Horror Films of 2011
These aren't oh-so-bad they're good films. Nary a redeemable quality is to be found. Even the most avid of fans would have a tough time sitting through these stinkfests. They're the types of films that give you a case of tourettes for an hour and a half or so. Films you only watch if maybe you're a masochist, lover of root canals, or enjoy-er of mud runs. In the nude. I suppose that's worse for a man than a woman. I digress.
Some of these weren't released this year as they're just now getting distribution (in the case of one, it was made in 2007!!). Without further ado, here are the top 10 ten worst, you-should-NOT-see-these-under-any-circumstances, horror films of the year.
2011 was the year of the found footage flick on this here blog. I saw a ton of them. Most of them were bad. Consider Re-Cut one of the worst.
A pair of student filmmakers drag a local news reporter out to a small town and farm that has a checkered past. Despite many a 'don't go there' warnings, they head to the farm and find a creepy school room with scripture passages written on the walls. Is it a cult? Some sort of whacked out Jesus loving freaks a la Red State? After a long and unbelievably dull affair, it's nothing but a pair of overall wearing, drunken rednecks. Lame-o-matic.
9. The Absent
A slasher that doesn't get to slashing until the 2nd act. A brother who's estranged twin is back after years of being locked up in the cuckoo house for killing his mother and stepfather (for reasons undisclosed). Non-wacko brother, who's a teacher at a local high school, sees his students get picked off one by one. Said students are plug and play and of the garden variety. Teacher brother and wacko brother are revealed to be one in the same! Zzzzzzzzzzzz........
I Spit On Your Grave
Completely ignoring what made the original so great and not creating any real tension or drama, this is the worst remake I saw this year.
7. The Perfect House
The Perfect House is an anthology film that contains absolutely no point to any of its stories, the thinnest of motives behind each serial killer tale, along with some of the most unintelligible dialogue from any film I've seen this year. Truly godawful in every way possible.
6. Kids Go To The Woods....Kids Get Dead
The name says it all. This is every horror cliche you've ever seen times a gajillion. A GAJILLION I SAY! Why do filmmakers continue to make films like this?
5. A Serbian Film (aka Srpksi Film)
CONTROVERSY! This film has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It's not artistic. There is no underlying meaning or theme here to be found. This is an exploitation flick being 'sold' to you as art. Never mind the fact that the situation of our lead is never really painted to be that dire that he needed to revert back to an extreme form of his old ways just to put food on the table. A vile, terrible, irredeemable piece of work.
4. The Haunted Casino
A group of college age kids travel out to Sin City to renovate an old casino that was left to one of them in a will. They find out that it's haunted. By two spirits (Sid Haig and Michael Berryman collecting paychecks) who claim to be owed a treasure that was stolen from them by the uncle of the kid who inherited the joint. Why the fuck would two spirits give a shit about some lost treasure? Why should you give two shits about this film? Exactamente!
3. Ninjas vs. Vampires
No explanation needed.
2. The Haunting at The Beacon
A mourning-the-loss-of-their-young-son couple move into an old apartment complex and soon find it to be haunted. A paper mache'd masked being (no, I'm not kidding) that resembles a bastardized version of Pinhead roams the hallways. An odd cast of characters live in the complex including a bizarre superintendent. The film never really gets to a point with no less than three subplots running at any given time. You get bored to tears. Everyone in the building is revealed to be mythical demons. The end.
Completely uninspired and riddled with cliches, Creature isn't just bad because it fantastically failed at the box office. It contains trite characters that have been done 1,000 times over, a local 'legend' that is much to close to comfort to the one in Hatchet, and it also contains some of the worst editing I've ever seen in a film (hello really bad 'I can't tell what the hell happened' ending). Not to mention, the vast majority of kills occur off screen. To top off this shit sandwich with a rotten olive, the filmmaker was a big ol' baby and lashed out at us eCritics despite the fact that he proactively doled out screeners like dollar bills at a strip joint (click here for details).
- The Ward
- Wake The Witch
Cortez the Killer