Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Hell High (1989)
T&A Factor 3/5
Cheesedick horror, oh cheesedick horror. My cup runneth over. It's been awhile since I've experienced your healing powers of ridiculousness. When I watch endless piles upon endless piles of shitty screeners, I know that you're always there. There to provide relief and there to remind my of why I love you oh so much. For despite all of the 'valiant' efforts of indie 'filmmakers', it's swell to know that you're in great supply. A bountiful supply of oh so terrible films that are just oh so good.
Our story about asshole teens, kicks off with a little girl who Skips to My Lou on down a dirt road which leads to a nearby swamp. As she nears it, she comes upon a shed and enters inside to play tea time with her little dollies. But her happy fun times get ruined when a punker on a motorcycle stops by with his lady friend. Startled, the girl leaves the shed but peers into a hole and watches as the punker tries to break through his lady friend's chastity belt. But his efforts are thwarted as she fends him off. They both exit the shed, the punker firing up his motorcycle and telling his woman to hop on. The little girl, clearly not happy that her special playtime was interrupted, takes some of the swampy mud which surrounds the joint and puts it into her plastic pail. As the motorcycle speeds away, she flings it at them, landing squarely on the punker's face which causes him to lose control and crash. They're hurtled through the air and land in a bed of spikes which happen to be randomly sticking out of the ground in the swampy area.
Fast forward quite a few years and we come to find that she is all growns up and living in secret in the same town which is now home to the 'legend of the swamp.' So a woman, who's hiding out and is trying to suppress terrible memories of a speared couple, what do you suppose she chooses as a profession? An old folk's home event coordinator? An animal shelter volunteer? A girl scout troop leader? Nope. She chooses to be a school teacher. A BIOLOGY teacher no less who spends days teaching kids how to cut into and dissect frogs. Makes total sense, right?
We're soon introduced to Dickens a real dickhead of a fellow. The class clown and school rebel, he doesn't dig Ms. Teacher all too much. After creating a disturbance in the classroom, he meets up with his loser chums (a dim-witted, numbnut fatboy and a slutty punk rock chick) and convinces them that they need to take on a fourth member of their loser group. Enter the former star quarterback who's just been dumped and who's decided to quite the team. Together, they decide to wreak their own brand of havoc and give a big middle finger to all of the pretty people. But before we get started, let's celebrate the end of the week by drinking some Jack RIGHT in front of the school. YEAH!
So our group begins their reign of terror by disrupting the football game later that night.Things are pretty damn boring and this just might be the most wretched high school football team in the history of high school football teams. The cheerleaders really don't give a shit, the students are borderline riotous and the coaches are flipping their shit. So what does our quadruple threat of douche decide to do? Jump into their '64 Mustang and intercept a pass mid-air and drive right down the field! Cue radical 80's tunes.
After that display of ridiculousness, it's on to the real star of the show. Dickens has it in his mind to play a prank on dear ol' Ms. Hot For Teacher that night. Yes, despite his dislike of her, he actually has a bit of an infatuation. He plots with the group to go down to the swamp area and scoop up some of the muddy goodness and smear her house with it, stomp on her roof to make her think the legend of the area has come to life, all while sporting Halloween masks. Of course, completely unbeknownst to them, is the dark secret which lies within our ticking time bomb teacher. Whoops! So this sets Ms. Teacher off and she goes completely Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Dickens eventually breaks into the house and wanders upstairs. He finds Ms. Teacher completely catatonic and he decides to straddle her and rip her nightgown off. He tries to get freaky deeky with her but before he can do so, slutty punk rock chick enters the room and shows him how it's done and begins to massage her nipples. Hey, I never said cheesedick horror made any sense. Just when things are about to turn into an awkward threesome, our former star quarterback cockblocks the party and begs them to leave. Dickens isn't too happy about this and starts a wrasslin'. But before they can get into full on brawl mode, teacher randomly decides to dive out of her 2nd story bedroom window, crashing through the glass, and landing on the ground below.
With this bit of nonsensical madness occurring, our idiotic foursome freaks out and wonders what to do next. Believing their whacked out teacher to be dead, they hash a plot to go back into town and steal something out of the new star quarterback's locker, drive back to teacher's house and plant it there to set him up. But things go awry as teacher comes to and exacts revenge on these moronic, tough kid wannabes. The gore factor doesn't really get amped until this time but none of that matters as you continually witness some of the most random dialogue ever committed to film. Oh yeah, and random titties.
Hell High is a lot of head scratching, 'What the fuck just happened?', wack-a-licious action. WACK-
A-LICIOUS I say! It's a perfect film to watch on a Friday night with friends, providing your own running Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary throughout, while consuming mass quantities of adult beverages.
Cortez the Killer