Saturday, September 3, 2011

Creature (2011)

Fear 0/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 1/5
Creepiness 0/5

A brief synopsis: 'A group of 6 friends drive out to the Louisiana swamp land for a weekend getaway. But instead of a fun-filled weekend, they learn about a local legend which happens to be all too real. Will they make it out alive?' Sound familiar? Coincidences aside, the film is littered with genre tropes and not a single thing about it is interesting.  I can't even bring myself to write an entire review so let's just go down the laundry list of awful, shall we?

- The aforementioned group is comprised of 3 couples. All ripped from the pages of Abercrombie and each one screaming 'I'm a raging douchwad.'

- Along the way, they stop at a local gas station (which has no gas) and a general store. Oh hey kids! It's Sid Haig, playing the same ol' character he does in just about every film.

- Sid Haig and his mongoloid friends tell the kids about a local legend of a half-man, half-alligator roaming the swamps. Something about a love lorn dude who's soon to be wife (who also happens to be his sister, or something) was taken from him by an alligator. He tracked down the alligator and in his grief, he chopped him up and ate him. And then he transformed into alligator man!

- So of course the kids don't pay heed and head out to their camping spot. Sex and booze becomes the order of the day and one by one they get start getting picked off. Oh, and it's revealed that one of our campers isn't exactly who he says he is. Enter a really lame twist. 

- OK, I'll admit. The creature effects were kind of cool but there is very little blood or gore. A cardinal sin for a creature feature.

- So the 'plan' is thwarted by the last surviving couple. So uninteresting the whole lot of them were I couldn't even tell you about any defining characteristics. OK, that's a lie. One of the girls looked like Megan Fox minus the thumb hands.

- Alligator man dies in a really boring, slow motion fashion as the earth opens up and swallows him whole. The end.

I have no idea how this film is getting a theatrical release this month. Someone did a casting couch favor or something. With all of the exceptional indie work that I've seen recently, it makes me a sad panda to see that shit like this receives notoriety over something original and unique. Avoid this shit sandwich at all costs.

Cortez the Killer


J. Astro said...

AGREED, Cortez. I have a review coming up of same. And this movie is some BULLSHIT. Had potential... but everything they could possibly fuck up, they did.

Jeffery said...

Good grief! Sooo Bad!..Renew your faith in creepiness and dig out "The Keep" Prog Rock goodness from days of yore!

Planet of Terror said...

@J. Astro, I don't even think it had potential. It was completely uninteresting the entire time.

@Jeffery, are you talking about the film with Scott Glenn? I've been meaning to check that out for awhile now.

Jeffery said...

Yep! That be the beastie! Nazi's Demons, Swords and icons!..Tangerine Dream and loads of creepy atmosphere.

King Cripple said...

It frustrates the hell out of the when a film like this is terrible. If you don't have an original concept, and you're going to use a scenario played out in 1000 other films, just have the damn creature tear some shit up. The bar has been set so low by SyFy Original Film that all you have to do is make a cool looking creature tear the limbs off people for 90 minutes and most of us would be happy.

Planet of Terror said...

I agree 110% King! If you can't do something original at least pour what energies you do have into making one hell of a gorefest. Such a colossal let down.

the jaded viewer said...

Kudos for making it through this film. I mean how the hell did this get released theatrically but awesome indie films are relegated straight to DVD.

Hollywood doesn't get us. They just don't.