Thursday, May 26, 2011

Ninjas Vs. Zombies/ Ninjas Vs. Vampires (2008 & 2010)

Fear 0/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 1/5
Creepiness 0/5

Hey kids, guess what? You're going to get TWO craptastic reviews for the price of one. How's that for a bargain? Since both of these films feature interchangeable characters, premises and plots (I use that last term as loosely as a prostitute's vajay jay hangs low), why not? And to save you from gouging your eyeholes out and doing that thing most people nowadays can't be bothered to do anymore (read) it's also going to be one of the shortest reviews I've ever written. You get two reviews AND brevity. So you can go back to doing whatever it is you were doing before you checked out this review. Don't say I never did anything for you. Ready?

Zombies/vampires invade a town. Friends band together. They become ninjas (when I say ninjas I mean dress up in pajamas and flail about). They have to save the world. Some sacred amulet or mystic portal may or may not be involved. Vague dialogue about what their purpose is adds an air of 'mystery' to the proceedings. It tries to be funny but isn't (every joke falls flat and there is no sense of comedic timing). The ninjas fight the zombies/vampires. They save the world. The end.

Boring, dull, and not at all good in an 'oh so bad its good way', neither one of these films should be watched. Under any circumstances. Whatsoever. It's films like these that make me want to swear off receiving movie screeners altogether.

Cortez the Killer


Strange Kid said...

I swear I laughed my *ss off everytime that witch-girl yelled "Elsewhere!" to teleport.

How the hell did she know where they'd end up?! Hahaha.

I'd like to see Ninja vs Dinosaurs next... now there's a premise you can hang your hat on. ;)

Planet of Terror said...

It's like the dialogue was written in a Mad Libs book or something.

Now THAT I would pay to see. But can we get some real ninjas (or at least someone who's well versed in the martial arts) and not some wannabes please?

Matt-suzaka said...

There's a Ninjas vs Aliens film too, I believe. I think you should have tossed that one in here too. Heck, you probably don't even have to watch it; I'm sure it will fit right in!

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