Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Haunted Casino (2007)

Fear 0/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5

Why do I continually do this to myself? Why do I watch screeners which instinctively tell me there's a very high likelihood of it being a platter of poop sandwiches? Granted, Full Moon Features' output is more miss than hit. But there are a handful (I think) of titles that are charming and actually fun. I couldn't get all the way through this one and that's saying a lot since I've watched some really terrible films (*cough, Nightmare Alley, cough*).

A college age guy learns that he's inherited an old casino that's off the beaten path of the Vegas strip. I think it's from an uncle or something. He convinces his girlfriend and his group of douchey friends to make the trip out but really he's setting them up to help him renovate the place. Gee what a great friend!

Once they arrive, they see it's in total disrepair and a complete shithole. And it's not long before supernatural occurrences take place and we're introduced to the residents of the joint. Basically, some claymation-styled demons which is your standard order of the day when it comes to Full Moon's features.

Getting top billing in this film are Sid Haig and Michael Berryman but they don't show up until we're at least a good 30min. into our run time. And only then it's for brief spurts.

Hi, we're here to collect a paycheck.

Apparently, the dude's uncle, grandfather, whatever, owed them money years ago. How they became ghosts and how other residents got trapped there is never really explained. OK, maybe it is but I didn't catch on because by this point, I was drifting in and out of consciousness. This movie is flat out boring. Totally unfunny and not interesting in the slightest. And our aforementioned 'stars' go through the motions without any sort of commitment to their characters. Our douchey kids then get into a life or death gambling game with the residents of the casino which also serve as the dealers. I don't know what happens next as I turned off the film and did something more productive: sleep.

Boring, lifeless and completely unnecessary, The Haunted Casino is the prime example of what our beloved genre needs less of. Hope the paycheck was good boys. Oh, and apparently this used to be entitled Dead Man's Hand. I don't know why they preferred this shitty title over the original but there you go.

Cortez the Killer


Geof said...

Haha! It's that bad, huh? Don't answer and I will take your word for it. A buddy of mine just bought this from the Full Moon road show and I was kinda excited to check it out. Not anymore. Thanks for the heads up as always Cort-master.

Jay Amabile said...

Now I don't even want to watch it anymore! lol The Planet of Terror just saved me an hour and a half of my life!

Emily said...

As you know, the plain and simple idea of a haunted casino was enough to make me really excited. So glad I read your review first! I don't mind a low budget cash-in from time to time, but I HATE lazy and uninspired.

Planet of Terror said...

@Geof, you've been warned.

@Jay, you're welcome.

@Emily, you know I love me some gimmicky schlocky shit. Of course, it needs an ample amount of charm, humor, gore and grue. This has none of that. A lame effort all around.

Anonymous said...

Nope, Dead Man's Hand is a different movie. This is new. I talked to Richard Band earlier this year about this.