Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Ghost Ship (2002)

Fear 0/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 5/5 -
For the 1st 5 min.; 0/5 for the rest
Creepiness 2/5

Has any one film in the history of films taken a greater nosedive after such an awesomely epic opener as this one? I think not.

To begin our story, we see a group of sea traveling pretentious rich folk circa 1930 aboard a large ocean cruise liner. They're drinking, dancing and most likely, they'll be banging some head boards later that night. A young girl (apparently the only kid on the entire cruise) is taken to the dance floor by an old man as he realizes she's insanely bored. A foul plot is afoot as someone does some tinkering with the controls on the ship and the wires which hang the lighting from the boat's masts unravel. A slice & dice-o-rama then ensues with body parts and innards being strewn about.

This is the best part of the film (at only about 5 min. in) and the ONLY part of the film you need to see. Really. How a film that kicks off so grandly could devolve into complete and utter shit is beyond me.

OK, I owe a full review but I'll save you a ton of trouble (and reading): a man (one of the detective guys from Dexter; I'm too lazy to look up his name) tracks down a group of people who specialize in finding ships and other artifacts that have been lost at sea. Led by Gabriel Byrne's perpetual look of deer in the headlights....

....our group heads out in their exploratory vessel. They find the boat and somehow, it magically surfaced from its previous home on the ocean floor. They board it, the film begins to drag as they explore the ship, paranormal shenanigans eventually ensues, they find some lost treasure on the ship, some more paranormal hijinks take place (including sex with a ghost, I'm not kidding) and detective dude from Dexter reveals he's a soul sucking demon and he's led them there so that he can replenish his demon fuel. Or some shit like that. And we get more dumbfounded looks from Mr. Byrne:

Jesus fuck me in the ear this film is awful. But goddamn if those first few minutes aren't amazing. Here, I'll show you. And you're welcome.

Cortez the Killer


Lorna Ink said...

hahah. awesome review.
thanks for the video of the first minute or so. that bit was very very cool. its a shame.

Ryne said...

This one has a soft spot in my heart due to nostalgia, but upon rewatching last year at Halloween I realized how truly bad it is.

the jaded viewer said...

I think this came out when Julianna Marguelles was the hotness of the day.


Thank the ghosts for these 5 min.

Emily said...

I'd heard so much about the opening that I added it to my instant queue just to see it. DId it, then paused and removed. That was all I needed.

J. Astro said...

Agreed - first bit is great, rest is mostly "teh suck". I bought in on Bluray 'cause it was only ten bucks, and I have a thing for haunted boat movies. Also Desmond Harrington is kinda, like, my buddy. Imaginary buddy. But buddy nonetheless.