Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Absent (2011)

Fear 0/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 1/5
Creepiness 1/5

A film made by two folks who had a hand in I Know Who Killed Me and the Night of The Demons remake should be signal enough to avoid it at all costs. But I actually enjoyed I Know Who Killed Me. Call it a guilty pleasure. It was like The Parent Trap with boobs and gore. And you can never have too much Lindsay Lo. The Night of the Demons remake however was just plain awful. The Absent will give you a mad case of verbal diarrhea and leave you calling aloud 'How the fuck does shit like this get made?'

We start off our film with a little boy who obviously hates his mom and stepfather. The stepfather may or may not be using the mom for her money. We never really know why the kiddo hates them. Does mom fuck up his mac n' cheese once too often? Does stepdaddy delete his World of Warcraft account? Who knows. But the little fucker poisons their breakfast one morning and he's hauled off to the loony bin, his little brother left to pick up the pieces.

Flash forward about 25 years or so and we see non-wacko brother teaching at a local high school. He's received letters from his brother while locked up and it looks like he's going to be released soon. Students are hot for teacher and one in particular is invited to his cabin out in the woods. They meet up one afternoon for a little game of 'Hide the Lincoln Log.' But before they can get jiggy with it, cuckoo nutso brother kills the girl and sets the place on fire. And from here on out, it's all downhill.

Cuckoo brother starts offing the other kids from his brother's class in really lame and uninspiring ways. The kids are your typical horror fodder and completely uninteresting. You don't give two shits when and why they're killed but really, they're just a set-up anyways for the 'grand reveal.' In a completely convoluted way, it's shown that the two brothers are actually one in the same! Or something like that. Honestly, I was drifting in and out of consciousness by this point.

Boring, dull, unimaginative, and completely lifeless, this film will bore you to tears. The Absent? More like the absent minded.

Cortez the Killer