Monday, February 21, 2011

Wake the Witch (2010)

Fear 0/5
Gore 0/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5

A colonoscopy. A root canal. A hot colonic. A brillo pad in place of a loofa whilst showering. All of these things I would gladly do or take if it meant not having to experience the steamy pile of dung that is Wake the Witch ever again.

Because the people behind this overly marketed to tweens, banal and cliche ridden crapfest really didn't make an effort to do a serious film or even anything resembling a coherent one, I'm going to take the easy way out and just post my running commentary which appeared on Twitter. Enjoy.

- Oh no, here we go. Angsty teens one of whom is wearing a Nirvana t-shirt. I know who this film is being marketed to. Tweens!

- 20 min in and not a single goddamn interesting thing has happened. Mallcore music + swoop haircuts = this is only going to get worse.

- Apparently, the production company thought I was 12.

- A dream w/ voices chanting 'Wake the witch, wake the witch.' wow, that's so new and original. Now cue indie hipster music! Rock out!

- OMG! Walking into the woods, loud ominous music, bloody noses, convulsing douchey teens! Get scaredzzz. Trixie's foaming out the mouth now!

- 'I told you not to go into that park'- horror cliche'd quip #10,978

- More angsty teens! Middle finger flipped by a girl wearing a Sex Pistols T. Ohhhhh, she means bidness.

- 40 min in and STILL nothing of note. I'm taking one for the team today kids!

- More angsty music and swoop haircuts! Yaaaaarrrrrggghhhh!!

- Have you ever been so angry while watching a film that you develop a case of tourettes? Yeah, that's me right now.

- Oh my god! Teenagers in hoodies acting all freaky! Run! They're probably going to start floor punching and spin kicking! *mosh*

- Of course, a knuckleheaded detective is on the case - horror cliche #55

- Exhibit A in the case of why people don't check out more nano budget horror films. Shoot me.

- 'I've got a fever...' and the only prescription is more cowbell.

- Man appears out of nowhere at a driver's side window- lame-o jump scare #24

- Convoluted urban legend time!

- This film has compelled me to drink more which is always a good thing. On my 3rd glass of ConCannon Pinot Noir. I'm a classy fucker tonight.

- Holy motherfuck! A boy with his back turned and facing towards a corner in a room. Where have I seen this before? Hmmm....

- This film really needs to end soon or I just might break out the tequila.

- 'We need to stay safe and figure it out' - horror cliche #1,573

- Wow, this filmmaker really went by the Horror Films for Dummies handbook.

- This movie was filmed in Nebraska. Well that explains everything.

- Wrap this shit up already! For fucks sake!!!

- Praise be to jebus! That shit stank is ovah!

Cortez the Killer


Matt-suzaka said...

Ha, more cowbell indeed! So, this review via tweets was simply wonderful, but now you totally have me intrigued about this film! Zeros across the board is a rarity and almost an accomplishment, right?!

Cortez The Killer said...

Matt, yes, that IS quite an accomplishment....of epic failure. This movie doesn't work on any level. You've been warned.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the cover art which is a blatant ripoff of Drag Me To Hell.

Mrs. Hall said...

Dang. 0/5 on all counts. must have sucked this film.

well, reviewed Alice Jacobs is dead on the ya ole Mrs. Hall blog.

Which wouldn't have happened without your blog, cause here PLANET OF TERROR!! is where I heard about it.



Cortez The Killer said...

Mrs. Hall, it was the highest form of turd burger.

So glad you dug it and that is super duper that you dug it! Thanks for bringing that phenomenal film some love and attention. Rock on!

the jaded viewer said...

I love when you make fun of a film...too freakin funny. Sometimes bashing a horrible film leads to hilarious reviews...which is the only good thing to come out of spending an hour or so viewing this crap.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't even get through it. I found it by accident as a "new arrival" on Netflix. I only wish I could have rated this p.o.s. MINUS 100 STARS. I actually enjoy B-movie campiness, but this had me wanting to pluck out both my eyeballs, for they both did indeed offend me by watching this craptastic craporama.