Saturday, February 27, 2010

Why I Find Martyrs To Be Truly Horrifying

This is probably the most personal post I've ever written on this blog in its almost 4 years of existence. I was inspired to do it by the fabulous Rachel, the proprietor of Rach's Media Opinions. Her outstanding review of Martyrs spurred additional thought and I came to the realization why it is that this film is one of, if not THE most horrifying film I've ever seen. Before my thoughts on that, a little background on me.

I was born and raised in a pretty conservative Catholic household. Not overly beat you down conservative (my love for all things horror and rock n' roll came from my father) but I was certainly spoonfed a large serving of the religion and its belief structure every Sunday. And when I was of age, I went to a Catholic grade school where religion continued to be spoonfed. But instead of a message of a caring and loving God, I got word of a wrathful and punishing one. And I was instilled with something else that all of us Catholics have to deal with: Catholic guilt. If that wasn't enough, I went on to an all boys Catholic high school where I continued to receive ample heapings of dogma. I was looked at cross eyed when I raised my hand in Old Testament class one day and asked 'So if some kid lived out in the middle of nowhere, secluded from civilization his entire life and never came to find Jesus but ultimately lived a good life, then he'd go to hell?' To which an administrator of 'higher' education replied with a resounding 'yes'. My question extremely hypothetical? Yes. Ultimately revealing in the narrow minded 'my way or the highway' mentality that is organized religion? Yes. So began my disenchantment with structured faith and spoonfed prophecies.

Continuing onwards up until now at the ripe old age of 31, I've become increasingly more disenchanted with organized religion. I see televangelists every Sunday (increasingly more so now that I live in Texas) getting crowds worked up into a frenzy. Asking for money and 'charitable' donations so that God will be pleased. Going beyond that, I've seen and heard many a people in my lifetime put someone down or immediately judge someone who's of a different faith and hasn't taken Jesus as their personal savior. I've seen far more uglier sides of religion than good. Not to mention the institution itself taking its lumps over the last few years with money laundering men of the cloth and molesting monsignors.

I would go so far as saying that I now seriously doubt the existence of God. But something in the back of my mind says that there might be something else out there. What it is I don't know. Is it the ghosts of years of having word and gospels ingrained into my fiber? Maybe I actually want to believe there is something else out there and proof that 'it' exists. And that is where the completely mind melting horror of Martyrs steps in.

What this movie represents is the penultimate expression of trying to prove the existence of God (or the existence of an afterlife), at whatever cost, in order to have a closer 'oneness' with your faith. What else do you do when you have everything? You have the legion of followers, the money, and what you deem a 'personal connection'? What's the next logical step in justifying your faith? Your existence as a human being? How this movie frames and presents this concept is truly horrifying on every level imaginable. And it doesn't matter whether or not you are a firm believer or have previously ascribed to a particular religion or belief structure. When this idea hits, it hits hard and its difficult to walk away from this movie watching experience without thinking about it for days. The lengths to which the characters in the film go to, in torturing and pushing victims to the very limits of what their body can handle, coming within mere inches of actually dying, is the single most heinous act (in my mind) that one human can inflict upon another. Mutilation and torture of another to prove the existence of THEIR creator? To justify THEIR existence and everything THEY'VE believed in during THEIR entire life? I don't think for a second that its not possible for something like this to take place or quite possibly, it could be happening already. Afterall, I think people are the most self-centered and self-serving creatures on the face of the planet.

This movie shook me to the very core and it will do the same for you. Whether you are a firm believer in something greater or not.

Cortez the Killer

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Friday, February 26, 2010

The Dead Next Door (1989)

Fear 0/5
Gore 5/5
Entertainment 3/5
Creepiness 1/5

The Netflix sleeve boasts that this is the most expensive 8MM zombie film ever shot on camera. I'm guessing they are referring to the effects and copious amounts of Karo syrup that at times rivals the epic-ness of Dead Alive. Certainly, there is enough gore here to keep the hounds happy. But its the never ending strings of self-referencing that really wears on you and drives you completely batty about midway through. And the films running time is only an hour and twenty minutes.

We begin our film with a requisite zombie horde sweeping through an east coast town. They attack people left and right and even head to the local video store to do some research. This concept alone made me laugh out loud and I thought it was hysterical and brilliant. Zombies. Stopping at a mom and pop video store. To do research. On how to be zombies? Hi-larry-ous!

A group of exterminators called the Zombie Squad arrive into town and start going house to house. Its here where our initially amusing self-referential names of famous horror types is welcomed (Officer Raimi, Commander Carpenter, etc.). They take care of one person's pest control problem and learn about a doctor in town who's experimenting with different types of serums that will hopefully cure the infected.

Talking to the doctor (who's name is Savini), they learn that there is another doctor in Ohio who has been working on another serum, purported to be much stronger and more effective than his. So the Zombie Squad head out in their zomobile (which has a painted cardboard emblem adorning the side) to Ohio. After getting into town and talking to the doctor, they find out from a kid who's begun hanging around them that the local pastor has a special place in his heart for zombies. Only he's not really a pastor but a leader of a cult who believes that zombies are special avengers sent to carry out God's will!

So as the zom squad hold off the pastor and his captive zombies (he keeps them and sacrifices people to 'appease' them), the doctor finishes his revolutionary serum. And just before he announces the 'secret' for how to properly inject the infected to the doc back on the east coast via phone, he succumbs to a hungry horde of the living dead.

Some great practical effects on display here and as mentioned, a lot of splatterific-ness to make the goriest of gore hounds happy. But the dialogue gets really old and grating with the continual self-referencing. And after about an hour, you begin to look at your watch. For a film thats not even an hour and a half, thats not a good thing.

Cortez the Killer

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Thursday, February 25, 2010

One, Two, You Know The Rest....

If you haven't seen it yet, the new trailer for A Nightmare on Elm Street has been posted online and below. For those doubters, it may give some hope that this will turn out to be better than expected. I like the fact that Freddy is getting back to being meaner and nastier.

But I do have to point out one fault. Whoever cut this trailer should be shot. Why would you reveal a major plot point in it? The concept of being so delirious from a lack of sleep that the body goes into a quasi-REM like state while technically being awake so Freddy can STILL come and get you, is freakin' brilliant and terrifying. Why the hell would you reveal this in a TWO AND A HALF MINUTE trailer?

Cortez the Killer

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Crazies (2010)

Fear 3/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 4/5
Creepiness 3/5

Thanks to the fine folks over at Texas Frightmare Weekend, I was able to catch an early screening of the eagerly anticipated remake last night. This is relatively spoiler-less, however a few plot points are mentioned. Instead, I'm going to talk a bit about the differences between it and Romero's original. Ultimately, I think that it's a better film and improves upon in areas where the original lacked.

Romero's 1973 film was high on hysteria along with his usual commentaries regarding military and the police state. Undoubtedly, the scares of the Cold War were front and center in the minds of many a viewer. And although it did a fair amount of tension building and you were constantly guessing and second guessing who was infected, it failed to connect on an emotional level with me. The focus on mass hysteria and the concept of unchecked martial law certainly made for a tense film. And there were also some pretty icky scenes (knitting needles, blech!). But the overall lack of an emotional connection to the characters is what killed it for me. Repeated viewings haven't changed my mind and this is a film I simply can not get into. So when a remake was announced, I definitely thought it was one of those films that could use one. I didn't consider it a sacred cow like some other films. The remake has a nice balance between tension and character development. You empathize with our small group trying to survive and are thrown into a state of fear and tension right along with them as they try to avoid a trigger happy, ask questions later and don't provide answers military presence.

The set-up the same as the original: an airplane carrying a biological weapon crash lands near a small town, infects the water supply and makes people go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. The town sheriff and his deputy are trying to figure out what the flippin' hay is going on as people are piling up at the local morgue. Initially, I was worried that this would go more of the zombified route but thankfully, it did not.

From the start, we're quickly thrown into a state of tension. We see a man show up at the local high school baseball game toting a shotgun and he's confronted by the sheriff. After committing a particularly heinous act against his family, a husband and father stares blankly into space and whistles to the tune of When Johnny Comes Marching Home.

The shift from people going nutso to complete chaos caused by the military force is done startingly well. You're swept away and feel thrown right into the mix with our main characters. As people are ushered into a holding area near the local high school, you can't help but share the same anxieties and 'What the hell is going on?' thought process as they're being led like cattle. Some are slaughtered without question while others are shoved into buses and transported out. Pretty brutal stuff. The sheriff and his deputy manage to elude their captors and escape the heavily guarded area. After they've gone back to their station and load themselves up with guns and ammo, they return to the site to spring the sheriff's pregnant wife.

Without getting into the twists and turns that the rest of this film takes, I will say that it keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout and never lets up until the very end. The themes of military rule were also updated for this generation and I heard one movie goer as she exited the theater exclaim 'Perfect film given our times.' And there are some genuinely terrifying and original scenes and set pieces that I also won't go into. Lets just say I'll never view a car wash the same way again.

Cortez the Killer

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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Triangle (2009)

Fear 5/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 5/5

For the second time this month, I've had my world rocked by a film in which no clear cut answers or resolutions are given by film's end. Mr. Brad McHargue over at I Love Horror was right. Take notes. And pay attention to everything.

A single mother (played by the teeth sweatingly hot Melissa George) is shown in the intro of our film, packing up for a presumed trip. She's interrupted when her son spills finger paint on the kitchen floor. As she scrubs, her frustration with him is well worn on her face and you get the feeling that he's not your average kid. She's startled by a ring at the door and when she answers it, no one is there. After she finishes cleaning, she continues to pack up, throwing a bag into the back of her car. She arrives at a boat dock to meet up with her fellow travelers, clearly rattled by something that occurred on the way there. When she's asked about her son, she states that he's at school. But its Saturday.

She's led to the boat which is being captained by a friend of hers and along with him, are four other people: the brother of the captain, a young couple and a gal brought along by the couple in the hopes that both her and the captain will hit it off. Whispers abound regarding the wherebouts of the son and when its explained that he's autistic, the notion of him being at school on a Saturday makes a little more sense. He is a special needs child afterall.

Well into their excursion on the high seas, a weird occurance takes place. The wind that was carrying them has stopped dead, their boat no longer moving. Even stranger, a dark cloud seems to come out of nowhere and as the captain radios for help, a muffled distressed call intermingles with his plea to the coast guard. The radio transmission breaks up and the oncoming storm hits the ship, rocking and capsizing it. All are soon accounted for except for the girl who was brought along for the captain.

Standing atop of their overturned boat, a large ocean liner is spotted. They board the boat only to find that no one appears to be on it. They walk through the long corridors and come upon an intersection of the passageways which contains a picture of the ship and its name. As they continue on, they enter a ballroom, complete with a food spread nicely laid out and untouched. Tables are adorned with cloths and numbers designate potentially assigned seating. Someone at some point, was here. Continuing on through the meandering corridors, they come upon a room, the faucet running inside the bathroom. They enter it and head to the bathroom, finding a note written in blood on the mirror: 'Go To The Theater.' And from this point on, its all downhill.

I'm going to try and be as simple about the rest of the film as I can. Because to discuss about what specifically happens from this point on, undoubtedly, it will make your head hurt. A cycle of events occur with our stressed out single mother, her doppelganger and a mysterious figure wearing a burlap sack over his head and toting a shotgun. Each member of our sailing party gets killed and a veritable Groundhog's Day occurs when the last one is taken care of. The cycle stops when she figures out the pattern and breaks it. When she does, she finds herself back at home. Only when she arrives, she comes face to face with the version of herself whom we think she has come to hate the most (a ticked off mother who takes out her frustrations of constantly caring for a special needs child on the child himself). She heads to the tool shed, finds a hammer and brutally beats and kills the doppelganger version of herself which is presumably loathed.

I may have lost you at this point and I no doubt almost lost this review entirely as I just deleted a previous paragraph in my attempts to further explain things. This is really a movie that needs to be seen and you will likely come to your own interpretation. For me, this woman was in a constant struggle with different versions of herself and the trip out to sea (and her subsequent return home) made her confront them. Although not outright called a schizophrenic, her manic personality is commented on at various points in the film. Even crazier yet, my theory might be negated by the ending which I won't even bother going into because to do so would A) ruin the experience for you and B) make my head hurt even more.

This film is everything a good horror movie should be: shocking, terrifying, riveting and completely engrossing. The times when the group is wandering through the ship and its corridors, is very reminiscent of The Shining's Overlook Hotel and its long hallways. And a few scenes in particular are some of the most original and horrifying that I've ever seen. An absolutely brilliant film. Check it out, ASAP.

Cortez the Killer

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Friday, February 19, 2010

Best Metal Moments In Horror History

If you didn't know, Complaint Dept. and myself are hardcore heshers (you can see some trace evidence of it, perusing the JPG'd side wall on this here blog). We've been going to metal shows since we were wee lads, worshipping at the altar of all things ear splitting and headbanging.

Outside the realm of what we normally do (sometimes we like to put some Tapatio sauce on top of things to spice it up), I've come up with what I hope is an ongoing series. After all, horror and metal go together like peanut butter and jelly, Sonny and Cher, Tiger and hookers.

For our first installment, I was totally taken aback while watching Gremlins 2 many moons ago, our little guys wreaking havoc and hearing this little ditty. Two words: FUCKING SLAYER!

Cortez the Killer

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Spreadin' The Love

We've been feeling a lot of love around here lately, from you (our readers) and from our friends in the horror blogosphere. So I thought I'd spread that love (don't worry, I passed my STD test, got a 75%) to some new blogs that we've been following. Check out these blogs if you haven't done so already.

Things That Don't Suck

Critic and filmmaker Bryce Wilson is the real deal. Thoughtful in his critiques, an abundance of film knowledge with an equal love of literature, he's smarter at 24 than I ever was. His reviews cover everything from horror to cult cinema. I loved his piece on the Big Lebowski being THE cult film of this generation.

William Malmborg

A writer of short fiction for over 8 years, William reviews both books and film. You can tell that his passion runs deep and it definitely shows in his writing. His critique of Phantasm was right on. Its one of those films that grows on you and can (and has) divided the horror loving populace (I think you know where we stand, *ahem...logo, cough, logo*).

The Film Connoisseur

Francisco Gonzalez is a filmmaker in his native country of Puerto Rico, having directed and released two horror films all by himself. Anyone that has been following us for the past couple of years knows of our passion for indie horror and that we do what we can in our own small way to help support hardworking filmmakers. Plus we love his randomized approach to blogging and his covering of all things horror: new, old, sleazy and cheesy.

The Unlife

Spastic. Random. Out there. Chet of the Undead is right in my backyard (hopefully not watching me in my sleep), living in Austin, TX. He talks about his wayward adventures and muses on life as a 'nocturnal person of no color' AKA, vampire. Check out his hilarious and creative blog.

I Like Horror Movies

Carl over at ILHM has been around for awhile but its only been within the last few months that we've become huge fans of his blog (hey, I only have so much time in the day folks; better late than never?). Plus he's my San Diego connection (I was born and raised there). Hey dude, can you overnight me a carne asada burrito?

Plus plus, he's started the Horror Blogger Alliance, open to all those who have a blog and are looking to grow their network in the horror blogging community. This community is the reason why I do what I do and muchos kudos to Carl for continuing to foster and promote it.

Cortez the Killer

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Killer Party (1986)

Fear 0/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 4/5
Creepiness 1/5
T&A Factor: 2/5

The film kicks off with a family mourning the passing of one of their own. After the funeral rites, the sister of the departed comes back in to the mausoleum after everyone else has left. She says a few words, telling the casket what she really thought of the deceased. Hands reach out of it, pulling her in. The casket is then mistakenly sent to be cremated with her trapped inside and....and....cut to a boy and his girl sitting in their car in a drive-in theater, watching the events unfold onscreen. Oh, what a ruse! The girl exits the vehicle and heads to the concession stand only no ones there to take her order. She heads back to the car and is attacked by a group of flesh hungry zombies led by her boyfriend. But wait, this isn't a movie within a movie a la Thriller! Its the premiere of the latest video by the Van Halen-esque band White Sister. Let's get this party started. Drop a fat bass line:

After that random intro, our real story starts. A trio of girls are uber stoked as its the final week in their rush events for a sorority. But before they can get started, they find out about a mean prank that one of the fraternities played on their potential sisters. A couple of the guys dumped a jar full of bees into their backyward while they were hanging out in the hot tub (during the middle of a sunny day no less). The boys waited and caught everything on tape as the ensuing madness unfolded.

Once they dole out a hefty amount of middle fingers to the prank pulling boys, the sisters put the pledging trio through their final trials: eating goat eyeballs, making them inhale as many egg yolks as humanly possible and demanding that they say inappropriate things in class.

Professor: 'There is nothing like curling up in bed with a nice big book.'
Jennifer clearly not paying attention in class
Professor: 'Jennifer. I was just telling the class what a pleasure deep reading can be. Have you ever curled up into bed with a nice big book?'
Jennifer: 'I myself prefer a big fat cucumber.'
Class giggles

To get back at their potential sisters, one of the pledges rigs a guillotine she stole from the drama department and fakes her own beheading. That'll show them!

The girls are all elected in and the one who rigged her fake death is asked to repeat the feat at their annual April Fool's Day masquerade party. By this time you are probably asking yourself, 'Dude, WTF? I thought this was a HORROR movie?' The girls decide to have the party in an abandoned fraternity house. Apparently a pledge died there years ago, a victim of a hazing event and the house was closed and has never been reopened.

After a fair amount of warning, the girls proceed to have their party at the house anyways. They set-up shop, get their prank ready and the boys from the frat house show up. The party gets into full swing and just before they flip the switch on their prank, one of the newest sorority members displays the most ridiculous 'Oh shit, I'm possessed!' face ever committed to screen:

At the same time, someone in an old timey diver suit starts spearing people at the party.

Unbeknownst to everyone, people are getting waxed left and right. It gets late into the night, and the party starts to disband. Two of the three newer sisters are left to clean-up and they discover all of the dead bodies. The two un-possessed girls find out that the dive suit guy was actually their friend and have to fend off her Spider-man wall crawling attacks.

The payoff is a long road but the last 10 minutes of this movie are pure comedic (unintentional?) genius. Oh, and the smooth sexing lines that the frat brothers spew during the film are pretty awesome. If only it were this easy.

Sorority sister: 'If I do it with you, will you love me for ever?'
Fraternity broseph: 'I'll love you for as long as I can.'

Translation: 'Or at least until this five minute ride is over.'

Cortez the Killer

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Newest Member of The LOTT!

We are proud to announce that our little corner of the horror blogosphere has been elected into the League of Tana Tea Drinkers (AKA LOTT D). This respected group of horror bloggers have all made (and continue to make) amazing, unique and original contributions to a genre of film that we love so dearly. We consider many of them friends and we look forward to getting to know those whom we have yet to meet.

Many thanks to John Cozzoli (AKA Iloz Zoc) and the members of LOTT D for this honor.

Cortez the Killer

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Monday, February 15, 2010

Of Wolf and Man

I saw The WolfMan reboot this afternoon. Instead of adding another review to the scores of others already out there flooding the blogosphere, I've decided to link to my two favorites:

Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies
Heart In A Jar

A couple of quick thoughts/inquiries:

1. It was everything I wanted it to be (i.e. mindless fun)
2. Seriously Benicio, couldn't you swing for English accent lessons?
3. The love scene between Gwen and Del Toro was the most awkward I'd seen since Amidala and Anakin
4. I really liked the mix of CGI and practical effects
5. I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of gore
6. Can Sir Anthony Hopkins stop being a cliche of himself? Please?

I leave you with the video of an underappreciated Metallica classic sprinkled with some lycanthropic shenanigans.

Cortez the Killer

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Blood Creek (2009)

Fear 2/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 3/5
Creepiness 1/5

Directed by Joel 'Your Damn Right I Put Nipples On The Batsuit' Schumacher, Blood Creek is an interesting film in premise and set-up. As it goes, in Hitler's never ending quest for world domination and power, he became increasingly more interested in the black arts. He's enamored with one legend in particular. The vikings apparently buried what they called ruin stones across the four corners of the world. If someone was lucky enough to find one and command it, they could wield almost limitless power over people and the elemental world around them.

The film begins in the 1940's in a rural American farm, home to the family of German immigrants. The father tells them of a written request from Hitler's officials, alerting them of the need for a secluded locale so that one of their own can research the area and take a gander at the stone that's hiding out in their farmhouse. In exchange for food and shelter, the family would be paid a handsome sum. After agreeing to the request, the man who'll be staying with them promptly shows up and is led to the location of the stone. Performing a ritual of sorts, he channels the power of the stone and heals the daughter's pet bird who's recently died.

Fast forward about 60 years or so and we see a man living with his invalid father. Both are still uncertain as to the whereabouts of the elder brother, the father blaming the son who's caring for him for the disappearance. He's been gone for about two years, vanishing in the woods during a fishing trip leaving nary a clue, and leaving behind a wife and kids in the process. One night, the brother is awoken by his scraggily, long haired brother. Without full disclosure as to why he's being dragged out into the surrounding woods, he's lead by his brother to the same farmhouse which opened our film.

The brothers quickly storm the house and take over the familiar family from the beginning, the only thing of noticeable change being their age. We come to find out that the brother had been held by the family, the only man to have escaped in the years of the family holding young men captive. You see, the Nazi from the beginning of our film has grown in power and the blood of young men has kept him alive and allowing him to continue to grow in power. He's kept the family alive under a spell and are made to carry out the capturing and draining of abled body men. He's only in need of the blood of a few more before he can fully cross over into the realm of viking gods (or something like that) and become all powerful.

Some really interesting things going on here conceptually. The super Nazi, in his attempt to storm the house that everyone is holed up in, slices and dices one of the horses that he released from the stable and brings it back to life. It becomes a super zombified horse and smashes through a kitchen window, wreaking havoc on the people inside. OK, so maybe that sounds a little ridiculous but it looks really cool. Also, the Nazi goes through a series of metamorphic changes as he grows in power. Its CGI'd to heck but I think its fairly well done.

The problem with the film is there are certain rules that the super Nazi must follow: the family paints signs on the doors and windows of the house that keep him out, he can only drink blood from a man that is alive, he keeps the bones of his original family in the farmhouse (why? its never really made clear) and these bones are a lifeforce of sorts and are used against him in the finale. Which is all too confusing in its abrupt ending.

Still, its a fun film despite some confusion in parts. Why Lionsgate decided to release this directly to DVD with a well known director at the helm is anyone's guess. Not too mention the fact that its completely original and not a total craptastic retread.

Cortez the Killer

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Fear 2/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 1/5

This is by far my favorite film in the series. Everything is amped to 11. The gore, the sleaze and the cheese is served on a bountiful platter, all with a nice side of Feldman.

How much is this better than every other film in the franchise? Let me count the ways.

1. After Jason's presumed dead body is transported to the local morgue, an attendee gets it on with a nurse next to the body, which is just hanging out. And when Jason's hand swings off of the hospital gurney, this incredible line is uttered by the male attendee:

'Jesus Christmas! Holy Jesus God Damn! Holy jumping Jesus Christmas Shit!

2. A group of teens head out to the countryside for a weekend away near the very spot where kids had been hacked up years ago. On their way out, they rebuff the request of a hitcher to catch a ride. She gets waxed while eating a banana, her mouth spewing out its contents when Jason spears her through the back of the neck. Banana pudding anyone?

3. After getting to said destination and settling in, they venture out to the lake. The arrival of the Double Mint Twins signals the immediate doubling of the slut factor quotient.

4. The factor is further reinforced by a skinny dipping session with the group within the first 10 minutes of meeting them.

5. Later on that night, the kids party it up back at the house. It doesn't get into full swing until Crispin Glover breaks out the raddest dance not called the Carlton Banks.

6. Their douchey buddy Teddy, is denied vagina by just about every girl in the house. While everyone is either getting hacked up around him or banging headboards in the bedroom, he's resigned to watching turn of the century porn, a random reel of it found in the house.

7. Glover gets waxed and one of the best kill scenes in the series occurs. He asks where the wine corkscrew is, Jason nails his hand to the counter with it and then simultaneously takes a meat clever to his noggin.

8. In the 'man that totally sucks' category of kills, one of the guys gets laid in the shower and afterwards, his girlfriend exits to dry her hair. He thinks she's come back for seconds but instead, Jason applies a kung fu grip to his mouth face.

9. The climax sees the neighbor girl and her little brother waging a final standoff with Jason. The broseph is smart in that he shaves his cabesa and tricks Jason into thinking that he's little boy Jason. With him distracted, he grabs the machete which his sister has brought. Jason gets Feldman'd.

10. Taking a page from the Italian book of epic eye gouges, Tom Savini says 'Screw that mess. I can do better than that'. The best scene in the entire series transpires.

And there you have it kids. In my humble opinion, the only film in the series that gets better after every repeat viewing. It can be had for $7.99 right now at everyone's favorite white trash destination super store (AKA Wal*Mart).

Cortez the Killer

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Saturday, February 13, 2010

Madman (2007)

Fear 0/5
Gore 0/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5

I'm starting to think that Netflix is in cahoots with really shitty horror production companies (either that or they are doing a really bad job of labeling their films). For the 2nd time in as many months, I thought I was queuing up one horror film (in this case, 1982's Madman) and instead, I got something completely different. This movie is one of the worst affront to films, horror or not.

A detective (providing the worst narrative I've ever heard) is in search of a killer called the Madman. Torturing young females and killing them, he's ever so ellusive, going years without being caught. He spends his time in strip clubs as its a way to cope with his utter failure of an existence as a shitty detective. How this film ends I have no idea. I could only make it through the first 20 minutes. This is the first time I have ever abandoned a movie. EVER. And trust me, I have sat through many a shit-sandwich. Its that fucking terrible.

If you aren't going to take the time to properly edit a film, why should I take the time to watch it? Terrible scene transitions, extremely unbearable overdubbing (I couldn't hear half of the dialogue due to the soundtrack, which is probably a good thing) and fucktardly aweful kill scenes. A guy is banging a girl in a cemetary and he comes down on her with a stabbing motion repeatedly but there is only one problem. HE'S NOT HOLDING A FUCKING KNIFE.

I can't even find information regarding this movie. No IMDB, no Google search results, images or trailer. Which makes the curious receipt of this film all that much more suspect.

Avoid this film at all costs. But I don't think you'll have any problem in doing so. I'm not going to even post a Horror Blips 'Vote up' button in the off chance that someone thinks this is a good movie.

I popped this piece of shit into my computer to capture a screenshot (so that I had SOMETHING to go along with this 'review') and the name Bob Shoe came up. A little hunting and pecking around the reveals that the 'alternate' title is Madman 2. I feel that further bamboozledry is afoot.

Cortez the Killer