Thursday, December 9, 2010
Death Spa -- AKA Witch Bitch (1988)
T&A Factor: 5/5
Death Spa has more leg warmers, unitards, jazzercise routines, mullets, and tiny man shorts than you can shake a stick at. And naked women randomly groping themselves while lying in a sauna.
So our film starts off as such, a lady caressing herself and moving slowly downstairs in the confines of her gym's hot room. Oh don't worry, nobody's around as she's the last one there and the entire gym staff have all gone home for the evening. Safety concerns be damned! Her personal quality time is interrupted when the heat turns up and her skin starts to bubble. She goes all Chuck Norris-y, breaking the window in the door which leads out and crawling through it.
She awakens in the hospital, bandaged and temporarily blind. We come to find out that she's the girlfriend of the health spa owner. And Mr. Health Spa Owner is going to have a lot more problems on his hands very soon. Hope he has a good insurance plan!
The next day, he's paid a visit to his facilities by two crack detectives hot on the case. They immediately accuse the fitness center of being unsafe despite the head master controller guy who says everything is wired by a computer which is completely safe and fool proof. But the computer decides to make an ass out of him as one of the patrons tries to jump off the high dive at the pool only it mysteriously unscrews and the board falls off. Thankfully, the board just misses her as she crashes into the water. But things are about to get a lot worse for our gym and health spa owner.
Oh, don't feel so bad for him. He's a raging douchewad. While his burnt and blind girlfriend recovers in the hospital, he makes passes at girls in the gym. Get a load of this hot exchange:
In response to another weird incident in which ceramic tiles peel off the wall in the women's shower and ladies get pelted:
Girl #1: 'To tell you the truth Michael, this place could use some better maintenance.'
Girl #2: 'Yeah, who needs weight reduction through terror?'
Michael: 'I'm sorry about the showers. I'm going to extend your memberships for 3 months. No charge. Drop by my office and I'll take care of it personally.'
Girl #1: 'Do you think you can handle both of us after jazz class tomorrow?'
Michael: 'I can sure have fun trying!'
Girl #1 and Girl #2: -Giggle uncontrollably-
Along with a turn up the burner sauna, a nuts loosening diving board and a projectile flinging women's shower, other weird goings ons occur. A weight machine inexplicably acts up, increasing the weight automatically and ripping a dudes solar plexus apart. Ouch city!
So what in the name of all things sissy prancing, neon colors wearing, male aerobics instructor is going on around here?
Well an evil force is at work, uh duh. Seems that Michael had an ex-wife whom, while pregnant, started having spinal cord issues. When she miscarried and had additional issues (which eventually confined her to a wheelchair) she doused herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She's now back and effing pissed that Michael is living with Blindy McBody Groper (who has since been released from the hospital) and chasing other skirts. So how do you think her spirit has decided to come back and manifest itself? Why through her twin brother of course who just so happens to be the computer controller guy at the club. WOWZERS!
In her final act, the spirit of his ex wife decides to wreak havoc on their masquerade party that's set in, you guessed it, the health spa! All of this is in an effort to get Michael to kill himself so that they can both live happily ever after....in HELL!
After laying waste to anyone that gets in her way, including a funny death by juicer, she's laid to rest by Michael. He reverses the computer's electrical current, frying her in the process along with her bodily host. Poor computer controller guy. But all's well that ends well....or does it......
As you can see, this is a complete gem. I think we need more health club horror films. But after this and Aerobicide (AKA Killer Workout), do you really need anymore? Plus they won't have the same aesthetic or laugh out loud factor because it wouldn't be set in the 80's. I mean just check out this tasty bit of era specific, laugh out loud dialogue, also from Death Spa:
A Female trainer in an obvious attempt to hit on a studly male working out:
Trainer: 'How many reps can you do?'
Studly Guy: 'Ahhh, 15 or 20. More if I'm showing off.'
Trainer: 'Well, why don't you show off for me?'
Studly Guy: 'I NEVER waste effort in the gym. Besides, I'm Beta and you're VHS.'
Joke's on you asshole.
Cortez the Killer