Friday, August 13, 2010

Undead Or Alive (2007)

Fear 0/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5

I guess I should have known better. A film starring some guy from Desperate Housewives and a comedic actor whom I've NEVER found to be funny (Chris Kattan), should have been immediate fair warning and viewed as the main ingredients into a big, steamy, batch of shit stew. Reading various reviews online I thought, well, maybe it's not that bad. Afterall, I love horror films with a western tinge. But alas, they're all wrong.

The opening reveals that Geronimo or Sitting Bull or Crazy Horse (I forget which one) had once gotten into experimenting with the supernatural. So much so that he became all consummed by it which in turn, put a curse on the land. What curse exactly isn't known for sure but it turns people into zombies. Zoinks!

After the opening, elfish man (doesn't Kattan look like an elf?) and Desperate Housewives dude get into a scuffle at the local piano bar and are hauled off to jail by the sheriff. In the neighbouring cell, is a guy who turned zombie and killed his family. Kattan at this point goes all Kevin Costner a la Robin Hood and ditches his terrible southern accent. The sheriff steals Desperate Housewive dude's dinero which he had a hidin' in his boots and walks out of the station, leaving his deputy behind to watch the prisoners. The duo devise a plan to trick the deputy and escape and do so, but before he can get after them, the locked up zombie grabs and bites him.

So, not so funny actor and Desperate Housewives dude set out in search of the sheriff who's stolen his wad o' cash. Or some shit like that. Instead of finding him, they run into Pocahontas who takes them prisoner. Or some shit like that. OK, so I have to admit. This week has been reaaaaaaaally long. My wife and I closed on the sale of our old house and new house on the exact same day, not too mention moving, and overall, it was a really stressful process. At this point in the film, I think I was on my 4th glass of wine. Not too mention I was already bored with the galactically retarded and incredibly unfunny dialogue.

Pochontas along with Tweedle dee and Tweedle dum, start heading further out west after running into the sheriff and his henchmen who have all turned into half-zombies and they can still talk, run, and operate heavy artillery. They stop for a breather and elf man and Pocahontas get into an argument over whites and indians and subsequently, class warfare. Seriously. This bit of dialogue is drawn out for far too long but it didn't bother me as much because I was now drunk and had polished off an entire bottle of Promiscuous wine (good shit, BTW).

The sheriff and his henchmen eventually catch up to them and a standoff ensues at The Alamo. Or some shit like that.

Avoid this one. At all costs. Even whilst drunk. The End.

Cortez the Killer

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Carl (ILHM) said...

This review couldnt have come at a better time, I almost threw this one on yesterday from Instant Que, consider Undead or Alive dead.

Theron said...

Thanks for the warning. I was hoping this might be worth seeing. I don't know what I was thinking. It's my weakness for bad movies, I guess...

Geof said...

I saw this on Blockbuster's shelf last week and am glad to see i is as bad as the cover art depicts. So I guess the pairing of Denton and Kattan will be short-lived.

J. Astro said...

If I want undead Western horror I'll stick with FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3. On second thought, I don't think I even want undead Western horror that much at all.

Cortez The Killer said...

@Carl, you just got back 1.5 hours of your life. You can thank me later.

@Theron, not even bad in a good way. Es muy terrible!

@Geof, let's hope so. One of the worst sidekick pairings in cinematic history!

@J, admittedly, I've never seen any of the FDTD sequels. I thought the idea was interesting just really really bad in every way imaginable. Bleck!