Saturday, July 3, 2010

Offerings (1989)

Fear 0/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 4/5
Creepiness 1/5

My sincerest apologies dear readers. For the past few weeks, I feel as though I've been neglecting my duties as a fine purveyor of 80's sleaze and cheese. In between a convention and watching shitty low budget indie horror films, I've slacked in my responsibilities. And for that, I am truly sorry.

Righting the ship, I bring you this long forgotten slasher classic. Meet Johnny. By all accounts, he has a pretty miserable existence. His father left him and his mother when he was younger. His bitch of a mom takes the fact out on him, using his morning breakfast as her personal ashtray. She demeans him and is completely overbearing. Except when one sweet little girl comes by the house to ask him outside to play.

One morning, as they play in the front yard, a group of neighborhood kids come over to the house and they provoke Johnny into walking the local well. He takes off on his bike, bound and determined to answer the bullying call of the asshole neighbor kids. He hops the ledge of the well, walks it ever so gracefully until one of the dickhole kids scares and he falls into the well.

Flash forward 10 years, and we see Johnny strapped to a gurney at the local nut house. His attending doctor tells the nurse not to worry about our deeply traumatized patient. He tries to allay her fears by telling the exploits of a particular patient:

Doc: 'The only one you've got to worry about is Mr. Franks. Everytime he takes a crap, he believes he's having an abortion. Let me tell you, he's had some pretty ugly kids.'

And of course, as the Doc steps away to check on another patient, Johnny breaks free, kills the nurse and heads back into town. What do you suppose he does?

Does he:

A. Head back into town to find the one girl who befriended him oh so many years before

B. Exact revenge on the little tyrant shits that drove him to the bottom of the well

C. All of the above

Ding ding ding. If you answered C, you are correctemundo.

So the previously tiny little terrors are now all growns up, attending the local college. Before Johnny returns home, one of the college professors who is aware of his history along with a dim witted police officer are alerted to his escape. Of course, they don't want to frighten the towsnfolk and are confident that they can take care of the escapee on their own. Whoops, bad mistake.

As Johnny starts in on his revenge (a pretty interesting kill as he toys with a guy strapped to a work bench and then cranks the handle on a table clamp all the way 'til his head assplodes), the kids think it a great idea to have a sleep over before the boys head out the next morning to go hunting. Johnny starts in on his special Fedex deliveries hacked up human bits and appendages all designed to 'wow' the one girl who has ever been kind to him. Corny? Yes. Goofy? Yuppity yup yup. Especially when he has some pizza delivered with 'sausage' as the main topping. The best part is later that evening when our clueless police officer pays a visit and its painfully obvious what the topping is and he puts it into an evidence bag and claims that more analysis is needed at the lab.

So the rest of our film then plays out and I'll tell you, it is an exact ripoff of Halloween. All the way down to the standoff with the cop (taking the place of Loomis in Halloween) and our final girl. And if that wasn't enough, even the soundtrack is an exact ripoff.

But if dopey, cheesy, slashers are your game, Offerings is the name. A guaranteed goofy good time.

Cortez the Killer

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Matt-suzaka said...

Wow, I have some ugly kids myself, so I can feel homeboy's pain! I forgot all about this movie, but I definitely remember that box art from back in the dizay. Also, I read that "other" review, but that was before all of those great I shall lurk and enjoy the buffoonery of an anonymous douche.

Strange Kid said...

"The only one you've got to worry about is Mr. Franks. Everytime he takes a crap, he believes he's having an abortion. Let me tell you, he's had some pretty ugly kids."

Bwhahaha! *sniff* Priceless.

You're so right about the soundtrack and plot being a total clone of Halloween, it's sooo obvious that I wonder if there was ever an lawsuits against it.

And why the fudge does the killer only draw out a little blood with that syringe? Re-dick.

Jenn said...

Oh Cortez, I've missed ya, baby. Welcome back.

And that VHS box art! Dear lords! So good. Almost as good as the box art for ELVES or KILLER PARTY.

The Film Connoisseur said...

I remember that cover from when I used to walk down the horror section of my video store during the 80s, searching for new thrills. Never got around to seeing that one! You are right, that soundtrack is pure Halloween. I guess some filmmakers just cant seem to be more subtle with their influences.

Cortez The Killer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cortez The Killer said...

@Matt, the box art is really cool. This movie is right up your alley too. And yes, that guy was a massive douche baggy ding dong.

@Strange Kid, I thought the SAME thing with that kill. And that's ALL he does. He just draws a little blood after sticking her and that's it. Then walks away. Sooooo bizarre.

@Jenn, thanks. Glad to be 'back'! I heart the box cover art for Killer Party! Amazing.

@TFC, its definitely a goofy good time. And NOTHING about it is subtle. All rip off, no cover up.

Charlie B. said...

I totally remember that VHS box art! When I was a kid I use to peruse the local video store looking for the most shocking, perverse piece of cinema I could find. Sad, I never got to this one.

J. Astro said...

The -original- box art is rad, the current available cheapie DVD version is adorned w/ some generic hack-job bit of business. Fitting, I s'pose, for a generic hack-job of a flick... This one had flown under my radar, actually, until my ex-gf turned me onto it; turns out she had some theater classes/activities with the guy who plays killer Johnny.

Cortez The Killer said...

@Charlie B, the cover certainly intimates more terror than is actually displayed on film. But if you are looking for a silly good time, by all means check it out!

@J. Astro, bummer about the cover art. Glorious artwork like this should be celebrated. And yes, the film is a complete hack job but gosh darn it all to pieces if it isn't a dopey good time.

Erin said...

Because I will watch any horror movie from the 80s, I'm glad you reminded me that this exists.