Friday, June 4, 2010

Conquest (1983)

Fear 0/5
Gore 5/5
Entertainment 4/5
Creepiness . . . kinda subjective
Sheer Ridiculousness - totally objective 5/5

What.

The.

Fuck?

Lucio Fulci is best known as the Italian gore-maestro who directed the Zombie classic "Zombi". Here he tries his hand at the (then) popular sword-and-sorcery genre, but with tons of boobs and gore. Does he succeed? Mmm, define success. If "success" means scoring the same special effects crew that worked on Sigmund & The Sea Monsters, then yes - TRIUMPH!

Here's the, um, plot: In a land far away and long ago, populated by smoke machines, wigs, soft focus 16mm cameras and synthesizers lived a bunch of barbarian types who resemble either Manowar or The Strokes. Animal skins seem to be the fashion - unless you're a woman in which case teeny tiny panties are in order (where did they get those?). There's also a bunch of wolfmen who go around clobbering dudes with bone weapons, snort blood cocaine, and grunt about who knows what while tearing naked women in half . The Strokes looking dude meets up with Ross the Boss from Manowar and they share raw meat and raw women. The naked sorceress, meanwhile - you know, the one with the bronze gorilla mask? She's after the Strokes dude's laser bow and arrow.

Manowar and the Strokes dude are attacked by the wolfmen and they kill Manowar's family. They also drag Strokes off to their slave labor camp. Luckily, Manowar can talk to the stuffed, string propelled hawks that live nearby and they lead him to the naked, Gorilla mask sorceress and there's some more gory fightin'. So then the naked sorceress conjures up a guy made of metal and offers her body and soul for him to go hunt down our two hairy chums.

I think that's the deal. More or less. Whatever.

There's a lot of splashy, meaty latex gore served up Italian style, some truly bad dialogue overdubbed by non-english speakers and all kinds of continuity errors. It's truly awful, but in absolutely the best way. It's not even remotely a horror movie but there is cheapo gore galore and that's good enough for me. Seriously, this movie is a must see. Every gore shot has the camera pause on the scene to make sure you can see what happened and is immediately followed by the sounds of wet spaghetti in a bowl. Know what I mean?

Also, I think the sorceress is named Oprah, but I could be wrong.

- Complaint Department



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5 comments:

Nicole MacDonald said...

*LOL* oh just the trailer looks promising! Gotta love the 80's and the synthesiser

Strange Kid said...

Haha, oh Oprah, whenever will you learn that world domination is just too far out of reach.

Sounds like a sick flick and the trailer is... well, er, amazing. Reminds me of Zardoz with Sean Connery a little bit. What was it with sci-fi and bondage gear back in the day anyway?

Cortez The Killer said...

Holy amazing! How have I missed this one. Manowar, skimpy girls and gore galore! Sign me up.

Cortez The Killer said...

Oh and that python crotch shot in the trailer...no phallic undertones there!

The Film Connoisseur said...

This movie was good for a laugh, its so cheap! I thought it was a weird mix of Beastmaster and Conan...it even had a little bit of Clash of the Titans in it.

By the way, how weird was that scene with the dolphins...it just took forever! This was a cheap imitation of Conan, but then again, thats what Italians were known for doing back in the day, cheap imitations of successful American films.