Friday, March 19, 2010

Fingerprints (2006)

Fear 1/5
Gore 1/5
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 1/5
T&A Factor 2/5

I really need to stop relying on user reviews from IMDB and NetFlix. I'm such a sucker, er I mean totally smart guy. But I should know better by now. You're probably thinking, 'Cortez, don't you know that half of those user reviews are written by hired marketing guns to beef up ratings and to give the perception that its not a total shit sandwich?' Yes, but I'd like to think that some of them are actually written by fans *cough* nerds of film just like me. Instead of the reviews I should have looked at the cast of this disaster before making my decision. More on that in a hot tick.

We begin the film with a bus filled with tons of ankle biters singing John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt over and over and over, much to the dismay of the driver. The driver doesn't see the oncoming train and ignores the railroad crossing signals. The train smashes into the bus and all the kiddos go spliggity splat.

Fast forward oh, about 30 years or so and the town has never been able to shake the tragedy and its memory which lingers from that fateful day. Two sisters are driving into town, meeting up with mom and dad who've just moved, one of which is a slutalicious girl from The Hills. I don't know which one. Aren't they ALL blond?

It's evident from the word go that the other sister has a problem and its made glaringly so by the over the top asshole-ness of her mother. We come to find out that The Hills gal picked up her sister from drug rehab and the family moved to the small town to get away from the big city. So whats the first thing her whorish sister does? Takes her to a party of course.

After a night of partying, a local legend is relayed to the girls by a duo of douchey guys: if you stop on the tracks and there is an oncoming train, the spirits of the dead kiddos will push you across to safety. Isn't this an existing urban legend? Anywhos, they experiment and it doesn't happen and peel out just before the train hits. But not before the fresh from rehab sister catches a glimpse of a little girl.

Driving through town the next day, Ms. Detox stops at the tracks and looks over and sees the same girl. She asks 'Whatcha lookin' at foo'?' but no answer comes as she continues to stare blankly. How rude! Looking away for a minute and then back. She's gone. No wait.... *terrible camera angle transition*....'Oh hi's little girl!' She's so wondersouly happy as ghost girl decides to hitch a ride.

After a series of finger pointings and not so much as single peep from our ghost (what an asshole), she's dropped off at her believed to be old house and disappears. But not before we see a face peek out through a living room curtain. Nose candy girl comes back later the next day to investigate and talks to the proprietor of the home. And the top award for actress who's not aged gracefully goes to....Sally Kirkland ladies and gentlemen!

From this

To this

After learning more about the local legend and the old lady's family, druggie gone straighty is continually haunted by the little girl while everyone thinks that she's started using again. Enter her guidance counselor, Mr. La Bamba pants. Glad to know spousal abusers can still find 'good' work.

He doesn't believe her but has his own experience with other ghosts on his car ride home one night and is turned into a believer. Meanwhile, someone who's wearing a train conductor suit has started killing off some of the locals. Part ghost story, part slasher! Joy! Except for the fact that the melding of these two sub-genres is done to mind numbingly terrible effect. No real scares and completely lackluster kills. How many times have we all seen someone killed with a razor?

Anyways, the former ex-mayor turned homeless drunken vagrant spills the beans about what really happened. Apparently, the kids didn't die from an accident at all. The story was made up to cover up the local train conductor and his penchant for molesting kids and killing them. Or something like that. Its never fully explained but is alluded to. Anyways, the reason why ghost girl is stalking her comes in the grand Scooby Doo reveal.....dun dun dun.....ghost girl's mom is Sally Kirkland who's dressing up like daddy and defending the good name of the family. Truly, WTF?

Extreme ridiculousness ensues and the ending of this miserable disaster makes your head hurt. Avoid this Manwich dripping slop o' shit for your own sake. And avoid NetFlix and IMDB user reviews. Rely on us trusty bloggers instead!

Cortez the Killer

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Erik said...

I couldn't make it through this one and thus don't plan on trying to rewatch it as your review further convinced me.Love your blog btw

Cortez The Killer said...

Most certainly, its best to steer clear. Although, I do think its one of those films, had I been about 20 years younger or so, it would have scared the bejeebers out of me.

Thanks for the kind words.