Friday, March 26, 2010
Blood Diner (1987)
T&A Factor 5/5
Right off the bat, I couldn't help but think that this was a blatant ripoff of Blood Feast, the first ever 'gore' picture and initial foray into the realm of horror for one Mr. Herschell Gordon Lewis. It even has one of those notorious 'Warnings' that precedes most of his films. Upon further research, the movie was meant to be more of an homage. What Blood Diner does is take the wackiness that is synonmous with the aforementiond film (and pretty much the whole of HG's work) and turns up the amp. All the way to 11.
The beginning of our film hears a call go out over an APB, warning folks to be on the lookout for a man walking with a '....meat clever in one hand and his genitals in the other.' This line should be included in the all-time best list of b-movie one liners (if one doesn't exist, I need to write one). Anywhos, he then enters the home of his two nephews, Mike and Georgie, bestows upon them a necklace which will mark them as special helpers of an ancient Egyptian goddess and instructs them, that no matter what happens, they must come back for him. He then confronts the police who've now tracked him down and gets waxed in the street.
Flash forward about 20 years and we find our boys who are now all growns up digging up the grave of their dear old uncle. Using the power of Greyskull, they resurrect him by extracting his brain which is still well preserved despite the rest of him being rotted and skeletal. They get his brain submerged in a jar and he instructs them to prepare a feast of human flesh which will be consummed by the patrons of their diner. Yes ladies and gentlemen a talking brain with eyes affixed! Along with that, a couple other things will need to happen in order to resurrect the ancient Egyptian goddess named Shitaar (pronounced oftenly in an over the top fashion as 'Sheeeeetaaaaaarrrrr'). The body parts of whorish women will need to be pieced together, combining to make a fully figured one which will serve as a vessle for our goddess. But the most important contribution of them all will be their greatest challenge: a virginal sacrifice.
As the brothers dish out 'vegetarian' food at their local diner, they hone in on a trio of cheerleaders as potential sacrifices. Two of the girls mention to the other about a nude cheerleader aerobics photo shoot that day (AKA my wet dream). The other decides not to participate as she's more shy and reserved (*sniff sniff*, yup she's a virgin). They soon leave and head to the shoot. After things get started, the boys show up to crash the party.
Enter fucknuts crazy scene #1:
The boys then decide to keep their party going, heading out to a night club late one night, dressed to the nines and picking up a couple more skankaliciously delicious girls and taking them back to their diner. They make work of both of them, with the brother taking one of them, lathering her up in buttermilk, and dunking her head into the deep fryer.
Enter fucknuts crazy scenes #2-3:
Georgie is obssessed with professional wrestling and often has matches showing as he's cooking food at the diner. One of the patrons calls his love nothing but a bunch of gay men groping. Mid chow down, Georgie applies a head lock and mass projectile vomiting ensues. Enter fucknuts crazy scene #4:
Mike woos the non-slutty cheerleader who opted not to go to the shoot and convinces her to partake in the feast the likes of which hasn't been seen in over 2 million years. An ancient Sumerian feast fit for the gods. She obliges, creepiness be damned! He invites her to watch his brother perform on amateur wrestling night. But before they head out, they still have some more work that needs to be done in preparing for the feast. Georgie comes upon a couple getting ready to make boom boom fucky fucky at the beach. After knocking out the guy, naked punk rocker chick in all her glory, goes all ninjitsu Gymkata on Georgie and fights back.
Enter fucknuts crazy scene #5:
After getting his ass kicked by the girl, Georgie heads to the arena for his match. He's quickly knocked around by his opponent and is embarrassed by his showing in front of his brother and the hopeful virginal sacrifice he is wooing. Georgie gets desperate and chomps down on his opponents leg, spitting out a good chunk of it onto the girl and she gets up in her disgust and attempts to leave. Mike tries to stop her from doing so and when his pleas fall on deaf ears, he straight up cold cocks her.
Enter fucknuts crazy scene #6:
The brothers head to a club where they've arranged a special party with their friends and patrons, the bodily host of the goddess on display and their special stew brewing. We are entertained by the likes of a band that is one part Morris Day and The Time and one part Dancehall Crashers. As the patrons chow down and turn into zombies, the brothers get ready to start their ritual but not before the po po's (a ridiculous trio of overly stereotyped ethnicities that unfortunately aren't getting their just due in this review but are equally fucknuts crazy) bust all up in the piece. As they spray bullets and save the day, our Egyptian goddess makes her way out from under the chaos for a night on the town.
Enter fucknuts crazy finale:
This movie is over the top greatness. And believe it or not, there were a shit ton of other hilariously over the top scenes. Literally, it was balls to the wall from start to finish. Complete and utter mad genius. Ladies and Gentlemans, this just might be the greatest movie ever made.
Oh, and check out the trailer below. It's goddamn brilliant.
Cortez the Killer