Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
This is by far my favorite film in the series. Everything is amped to 11. The gore, the sleaze and the cheese is served on a bountiful platter, all with a nice side of Feldman.
How much is this better than every other film in the franchise? Let me count the ways.
1. After Jason's presumed dead body is transported to the local morgue, an attendee gets it on with a nurse next to the body, which is just hanging out. And when Jason's hand swings off of the hospital gurney, this incredible line is uttered by the male attendee:
'Jesus Christmas! Holy Jesus God Damn! Holy jumping Jesus Christmas Shit!
2. A group of teens head out to the countryside for a weekend away near the very spot where kids had been hacked up years ago. On their way out, they rebuff the request of a hitcher to catch a ride. She gets waxed while eating a banana, her mouth spewing out its contents when Jason spears her through the back of the neck. Banana pudding anyone?
3. After getting to said destination and settling in, they venture out to the lake. The arrival of the Double Mint Twins signals the immediate doubling of the slut factor quotient.
4. The factor is further reinforced by a skinny dipping session with the group within the first 10 minutes of meeting them.
5. Later on that night, the kids party it up back at the house. It doesn't get into full swing until Crispin Glover breaks out the raddest dance not called the Carlton Banks.
6. Their douchey buddy Teddy, is denied vagina by just about every girl in the house. While everyone is either getting hacked up around him or banging headboards in the bedroom, he's resigned to watching turn of the century porn, a random reel of it found in the house.
7. Glover gets waxed and one of the best kill scenes in the series occurs. He asks where the wine corkscrew is, Jason nails his hand to the counter with it and then simultaneously takes a meat clever to his noggin.
8. In the 'man that totally sucks' category of kills, one of the guys gets laid in the shower and afterwards, his girlfriend exits to dry her hair. He thinks she's come back for seconds but instead, Jason applies a kung fu grip to his mouth face.
9. The climax sees the neighbor girl and her little brother waging a final standoff with Jason. The broseph is smart in that he shaves his cabesa and tricks Jason into thinking that he's little boy Jason. With him distracted, he grabs the machete which his sister has brought. Jason gets Feldman'd.
10. Taking a page from the Italian book of epic eye gouges, Tom Savini says 'Screw that mess. I can do better than that'. The best scene in the entire series transpires.
And there you have it kids. In my humble opinion, the only film in the series that gets better after every repeat viewing. It can be had for $7.99 right now at everyone's favorite white trash destination super store (AKA Wal*Mart).
Cortez the Killer