Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Cortez the Killer's Guide to 80's Coked Out Sleaze and Cheese
This is NOT a top ten list. Each of these movies have equal servings of sleaze and cheese. Also, these are NOT good movies by any means. But if you love movies that are so excruciatingly bad that they’re good, well then, these are right in your wheelhouse.
These are what I consider to be the best that the 80’s have to offer in terms of gratuitous gore (some more than others), nudity (ditto) and awesomely bad dialogue (ditto ditto). All of which are fueled by the power of nose candy.
A dude who wants to score chicks and write better music makes a deal with a demon succubus who crosses over into our world and attacks unsuspecting party goers.
Choice line: 'So what are you cooking Brad for dinner? BREAST of chicken? COCK Au Verre?’
Aerobicide (AKA Killer Workout):
A killer stalks the employees of a local gym. A hack detective can’t solve the case when it's painfully obvious who the actual killer is. Amazingly awesome instructor lead jazzercise routines. Oh and the killer uses an oversized safety pin to dispense victims. Shazam!
Rhonda to one of her instructors: ‘Look business is bad enough. Just teach the class without showing a snapshot of your tits and tight little ass.’
A group of friends head to a ski lodge, are stalked and murdered one by one, by a ski masked man whom they thought died years ago.
Choice line: ‘I’m taking a shower, then crashing, when’s dinner?’
Hilarious commentary provided by my friends over at Horror Remix.
A killer stalks a group of kids that participate on the school’s track team and exacts revenge after an accident that occurred at a meet years ago.
Choice line: ‘Come back here! Don't think I don't know who you are, because I do. Come on and show your face, you miserable scum!’
The Video Dead:
A discarded TV is passed on to an unsuspecting family who has no idea it’s a portal to the land of the undead.
Brother: 'So what are you majoring in?' (said in an extremely snarky manner)
Sister: 'I'm majoring in aerobics.'
Brother: promptly spits out his dinner onto the plate in front of him.
Sister: 'It may not be higher education, but it’s a degree! And I’m taking it very seriously.
Brother: 'I’m almost afraid to ask you what your minor is.'
Sister: 'Music videos.'
The Dark Power:
A tribal Indian leader prays and chants to the gods of the land around him in attempt to keep evil spirits that were buried years ago at bay. But when he dies and a group of college kids take over the house, no one is able to keep the ancient spirits in check and they run amok. An Indiana Jones, whip wielding, park ranger is the star of the film.
One female friend: ‘These four Toltec witch doctor types were into some kind of magic’.
An overly emphatic friend's response: ‘DARK POWERS!’
An escaped mental patient wreaks havoc on a college campus. A reporter, her male sidekick and a wise cracking sheriff band together to take him down.
Sheriff to the male sidekick: 'Get the fuck outta here. Just because the goddamn broad is good lookin', doesn't mean we ALL have to think with our dicks.’
Farmer John, er I mean Vincent, loves planting human bodies into the ground, waiting until they’re ‘ripe’ and plucking them out, grinding up their bodies and making meat products out of them.
Choice Line: ‘It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s Fritters.’
Hard Rock Zombies:
This film is the penultimate example of a filmmaker and script writer so fucking high when they made the movie, that it’s the ONLY plausible explanation for how they came up with the plot: a hair metal band shacks up at an old house on their way to a gig. Its inhabitants include a werewolf grandmother, a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-esque inbred brother, two midgets (one of which is mutated) and Hitler (yes THAT Hitler) who’s disguised as the grandfather. Has your head exploded yet?
The lead singer's pick up lines to a girl who’s obviously 12: ‘I’ve been thinking about you all day. You’re neat.’
Rent or steal these movies, ASAP.
Cortez the Killer