Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Witchboard (1986)



Fear 1/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 2/5
T&A Factor 2/5

What do you get when you combine what you'd expect from a good ol' 80's schlockfest along with Tawny Kitaen, a whacked out psychic that looks like a cross between Pat Benatar and Cyndi Lauper, and an evil demon who rivals the creepiness of The Tall Man in Phantasm? Why you get this delightfully delectable dish of ding dongery of course.

The film kicks off with a group of friends at a party. And nothing quite says party time like a healthy debate about the existence of God and the universe. Yeah, sounds like a real rager. One of the friends claims that the only thing thats real in this world are spirits. And what better way to prove his point than to bust out a ouija board. Nothing says a party like a ouija board! He claims to have a relationship with a 10 year old boy's spirit and that he can summon him via said board. Apparently, inappropriate relations with minors doesn't apply to the spirit world. Anywhos, he contacts the boy and releases his agitated spirit, the ouija board flying out of the hands of its owner. And on his way out of the casa, the spirit slashes the tire of the guy's car parked outside. That little ingrate bastard! But we find out that its not actually the little boy at all. Instead an evil spirit that has been dormant for years is playing a clever ruse, pretending to be the little boy in order to get into the pants of Ms. Whitesnake.

The redheaded, car hood humping Kitaen starts becoming obsessed with the board, spending all her days talking to the evil spirit which is posing as the little boy. As she becomes increasingly more involved, strange things begin to happen: her boyfriend's buddy at work is killed after an accident on their construction site, a knife inexplicably falls off the kitchen counter in her apartment, landing right side up with a gushing bottle of ketchup adding some extra emphasis. In addition, she's having night terrors and has developed a severe case of sailor mouth. When she tries to divorce herself from the board completely, the spirit starts in with more violent attacks. The boyfriend gets the ouija toting friend to invite the aforementioned punk-ish psychic into the home of his girlfriend in order to expel the spirit. Little boy posing baddie plays along and it appears that he's vacated the premises until he follows the psychic home that night.

After a news report hits announcing the death of the psychic, the boyfriend and the ouija board wielding friend decide to come together to save the girl whom they both love. Apparently, the latter previously had a fling with her and he still holds out hope. He asks him exactly what is it that she see's in him. To which he replies 'I make her laugh.' The unleasher of spirital portals replies 'But I make her laugh too.' The boyfriend retorts 'Yeah but only in the bedroom'. Oh snap! Together, they track down the history of the little boy at the local library and put a face to the name of the evil spirit after visiting a local shop that specializes in the macabre.

The end sees our heroic boyfriend battle it out with the spirit who's now manifested itself inside of Ms. 'Here I Go Again'. He destroys the ouija board which (presumably) sends the spirit back to the nether regions, er I mean world. But not before he is hurled out the bedroom window and we see the most ridiculous falling sequence to ever grace the silver screen.


Chock full of 80's sleaze and cheese, Witchboard is a mindlessly good time. My only gripe is the T&A factor could have been a little higher.

Cortez the Killer

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4 comments:

The Film Connoisseur said...

My only problem with this movie is they should have shown the evil demon guy more! The way he looks in that dream sequence, with the axe in hand? Awesome.

Dialog is hilariously cheesy on this one. I think the sequel was way better then this one. Witchboard 2 plays a lot like Raimis Evil Dead 2. Its essentially a remake of the first one, but with a slightly bigger budget.

Cortez The Killer said...

Totally agreed. He deserved more screen time. And I'll definitely check out Withcboard 2. Sounds like a hoot.

Carl (ILHM) said...

I have tried so hard to like this one, and I always get disappointed. There is just so much potential in the Ouija board premise that is squandered with stupid, cheap FX.. I want some sweet ass unseen demon action! ..and more nudity..

Cortez The Killer said...

Carl, I hear ya. But thats why I love 80's horror. Cheap FX, sleaze, terrible dialogue but awesome one liners. Aside from some slow pacing in parts, its mind numbingly good.