Friday, January 15, 2010

Final Exam (1981)


Fear 0/5
Gore 0/5
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 1/5

Upon first impression, this slasher appeared to have all the staples of a classic. A guy and his gal are out in the woods, getting frisky in his parents convertible. The girl complains about him spending all of his money on beer when they could be getting it on in a nice, 'fancy' motel room. In defense, he blurts out 'You weren't complaining when you drank most of it!' Oh snap, baby likes some brewskis. After the girl tells him to put the top back up, they return to their suck face fest. Only to have it ruined moments later when some dude jumps on the roof. As they attempt to speed off, the man cuts through the vinyl roofing, pulls the boyfriend out through the top, slams him down on the hood of the car and repeatedly stabs him. Not a bad way to start things, eh?

Cut to exams week at a college and reports swirl of multiple murders across the area and other college campuses. A group of friends lament as one of the professors really had it out for them and scheduled a final exam on the weekend. Get it? Its final as in finals week and final as in it will be the last test some of these douche faces will ever take. Oh those crafty filmmaker guys!

The test putting a damper on their frat activities, the broheims scheme a way to get one of their buddies out of it. So what do you suppose they did? Pull the fire alarm, setting off the sprinklers? Call in a bomb threat? Nope, they jump out of a moving van, wearing face masks, and start blasting away with mock AK-47's.

For a moment, you think that maybe you're watching a completely different film or that the script writer said 'Fuck it, we're going Arnie Schwartzenheimer commando now.' If you were high as fuck, you'd be flipping your shit. Or in my case, drunk and hitting the rewind button multiple times to ensure the validity of my eye holes and what they were seeing. Kids fall to the ground and are shown to be 'bleeding.' Overall, a fairly well orchestrated and convincing affair. Only to discover that it was all just a joke and they coordinated the whole thing with other students on campus!

Sadly, its all down hill from here folks. The sheriff lambasts the kids for such a stunt and tell them to mind their p's and q's for the rest of the weekend. The killer at the begining of our film stalks, stalks, and does some more stalking. He hangs out on campus, heads to the lunch room, checks out the cafeteria kitchen. In between the painfully slow stalking, are the kids talking about who they have a crush on, how their going to score more drugs, who they are going to play a prank on next, yadda yadda. But nothing EVER happens.


So when the kills finally kick in about another half an hour later, most occur offscreen, with very little fanfare or worse yet, nearly zero blood. After some more painfully slow stalking, the climax with the final girl happens, and some random hillbilly shows up with a bow and arrow. But instead of saving the day, he gets waxed by the killer. The girl then knocks the killer over the railing at the top of a flight of stairs. Game over. So who's the killer you ask? Who the fuck knows, its NEVER explained. I re-wound the film to see if I missed anything in my semi-conscious, drunken state and I didn't. This slasher film missed the mark after starting off so promisingly. Balls.

Cortez the Killer

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9 comments:

Jenn said...

Are you the reason this movie has a long wait in my netflix queue? Huh? Answer me! ;) I put this movie in there awhile ago and it still has this long ass wait and I want to see it NOW. I guess I'll just have to go by your review in the time being.

xox

Cortez The Killer said...

Nope, not I. I watched it via a borrowed DVD. Seriously though, you'd have more fun knitting a sweater or drinking a bottle of wine. I did (the latter) and almost passed out. This movie brought the suck.

Jenn said...

I'm sure I can find something to love about it, as is my way. And I'm always drinking bottles upon bottles of wine, as well as passing out during pretty much everything I watch, so no probs there. Damn, we'd be a pair to watch a movie together. Both all drunk, passing out, nothing would ever get watched ;P

Matt-suzaka said...

I saw the 2 entertainment rating, a rating that means the most when I read a majority of your reviews - so as I am reading the review, I am thinking that this movie sounds wicked dope (questioning your 2 rating...how dare I?), then I got to the stalking part. Too bad, sounded like it was a great start, but boring is an issue I don't really forgive with a lot of movies.

You should watch The Majorettes if you've never seen it...it sounds like Final exam, but better!

Cortez The Killer said...

@Jenn, ha! That would be something. I swear, one week I went on a red wine binge and I only managed 1 blog post. I had to practically re-watch everything because I couldn't remember the ending. This was just terrible. The dialogue in the first half is definitely cheese-dick-a-licious but the slow moving second half sucks.

@Matt, saw it. Boring as well. The kills were terrible and it was incredibly slow going. Although the Rambo raid on the satanic biker's mobile home was awesome!

Carl (ILHM) said...

Im definitely checked out on this flick, Im sure I will get around to it someday, but I hope to be in a sad, pitiful state of affairs when I do so I can wallow in its worthlessness =D

Cortez The Killer said...

Carl, its really bad. But you might have the fortitude to make it through the entire thing. I know you've seen worse.

Chris Hallock said...

Looks like they got an F on this final exam...

crickets

crickets

I'm sorry.

A Nightmare On Samityville Street said...

I love this damn movie! It's one of my favorite slasher flicks of the 80s and pretty underrated by comparison of many Tom Savini splatter pics of the same era. I totally dig the fact you never find out who the killer is, let alone his motive for the slaughter. And that music score is just plain creepy. Even though my opinion differs, a great review nonetheless!