Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
A young couple riding a motorcycle crash in the backroads of a small town with the female rider being the only survivor. A farmer who owns a small motel that is attached to a farm takes her in to help her recover from her injuries. The farmer, along with his wacky sister, takes care of the young girl, treating her wounds and easing her pain after he informs her that her boyfriend died in the crash. They bury him out on his farmland and hold a ceremony, where he implores the girl to stay as long as she wants. The girl agrees and the good times begin to roll.
The farmer is known in the town for his cured meats and people passing through town stop after seeing many of his roadside billboards (which look a lot like Farmer John ads, if you're from the West Coast). Anywhos, the local health inspector is convinced that something is up and is looking for any reason to shut him down. What is it exactly that has this guy convinced that the farmer is up to no good? Well kiddos, its revealed that the secret ingredient to his fine meats is grinded up human flesh. Yessir, he kidnaps and plants people into the soil on his farm and when they're deemed 'ripe', they're mixed with pork to create a one of a kind taste! The farmer gives the inspector a good whack over the head with his shovel and he quickly becomes a newly planted seed.
The local sheriff (who has fallen for the girl the farmer has taken in) also begins to suspect something is up. His suspicions are backed when some of the inserted man-plants begin to sprout and crawl out of their potted pasture (one if them is none other than Mr. Cliff Clavin who plays a drummer in a punk rock-ish band). When the sheriff confronts the farmer (who's wearing a severed pigs head) in his slaughterhouse, they square off in an epic chainsaw battle and the sheriff wins and saves the day. Hooray!
Cheese and goofiness galore, not a whole lot of gore (save for the victorious end), but overall, Motel Hell is one hell of a good time!
Moutaintop Motel Massacre (1986)
Meet Evelyn. She's batshit crazy. She's let out of an insane asylum and allowed to take care of her granddaughter and her off-the-side-of-the-road and a little down yonder motel. One day she goes apeshit after seeing her little daughter as she's praying to her dead father near a makeshift shrine she's built in her room. She swings and flails a sickle, knocking over the shrine and inadvertently killing her granddaughter. The local sheriff comes to investigate after she calls, she says it was an 'accident', he lets her stay without arresting her after her friend (a pastor) tells him that she is no longer crazy and that this was simply an accident. Whoops, bad mistake.
So the pastor is put up in one of her motel rooms as a way of saying 'thanks' and a whole slew of characters begin to show up who need a room to shack-up in: a newly married couple, a fix-it man traveling through town, a record executive and two cousins who are traveling out west to become famous!
Evelyn goes batshit again one night after hearing her granddaughter's voice and goes from room to room planting bags of poisonous snakes. She has underground tunnels built that go from room to room and she pops up to leave her little bundle of joy. She also uses her tunnel to hack to pieces some of the unsuspecting inhabitants, including one of the cousins who have now shacked up with the sleazy record mogul. As the other occupants begin to figure out what's going on, the fix-it dude and sheriff, who's now come back after he suspects that something just wasn't right the first time around, track the old bitty down in the tunnel and have one last stand.
Not nearly as funny as Motel Hell but definitely good times throughout. These two films are great to watch back-to-back if you want something that's a cross between Texas Chainsaw Massacre (but with considerably less gore) and the Beverly Hillbillies. Yee-haw!
Cortez the Killer
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Continuing down my movie watching path of terrible script writing and convoluted plot development (see yesterday's post), comes this little number from 1991. Ahhhh, 90's horror movies, where just about every one of 'em looked like they were shot with the cast of Saved by the Bell or 90210. I was madly in love with Brenda Walsh and thought she was sexy, in a very badass way. But that is neither here nor there. On with the review.
A group of college film students get an idea from their professor to hold a horror movie festival to raise money for their department. The idea is to show old schlock classics from the 50's that employed some sort of gimmick (i.e. Shock-O-Vision, Smell-O-Rama, etc.) at an old movie house that would be torn down in the next couple of weeks. They meet with the owner of the theater (played by one, Mr. Hand), he approves, and the kids begin to rig up the old place with all the gadgets and gizmos needed to spook and shock the audience.
While setting up the theater, the professor shows an old tape that a 70's artsy fartsy film student friend of his made that was in response to some heavy criticism he was receiving. The student, who also stars in the tape, presents himself as the 'Possessor' and repeats his name over and over and over throughout the pic (complete with fire, medieval swords and blood coming out of his mouth). The film culminates with his effort to stab a woman to death only, before he does so, the film cuts out. One of the female film students freaks out as she awakes every morning after a series of dreams that contain the same images that were shown on the tape. The professor explains that the man who shot it premiered it at a movie house and in his final coup de grace, he attempted to kill a female audience member he had lured onstage to complete the final scene. He was shot to death before he could do so and as he fell to the floor, he knocked over one of his set pieces, setting the entire theater on fire. Everyone died in the fire....or so it was thought. You with me? Now prepare to get mind fucked.
So the kids go about throwing their film fest and the girl begins to think that the film student who shot the film will be coming back to finish the job based on her wacky dreams. And what better venue than an old movie theater with a bunch of packed kids? So naturally, all of the students start getting picked off one by one by some dude who is continuously changing his disguise. He has some hidden lair in the theater and he fashions rubber masks out of some molding contraption, copying the faces of the kids he's killed and running around pretending to be them and killing off the other unsuspecting kids.
The girl comes face to face with the dude, originally thinking its the director of the weird film (whom she now has found out is her father) only its not really the director of the film who tried to kill the girl, who set fire to the theater, and is supposedly her father, rather its some dude who was horribly disfigured in the fire, who also lost his mom, and he's come back to seek revenge and complete the end of the film. Oh, and its revealed that the girl, along with him, are the lone survivors of the fire. Has your head exploded yet?
Hands down one of the worst horror movies I've ever seen (and I've seen a shitload). Almost zero blood, NO GORE, and the worst fucking plot I've ever bared witness to. Do yourself a favor and avoid this one at all costs.
Cortez the Killer
Monday, April 27, 2009
A family moves to a small town where the mother takes up the job of running the local mortuary. The mortuary (and house its attached to) is about the most run down, filth-ridden shack of doo doo that you've ever seen and the mother (who's played by that blonde starship captain from Star Trek: The Next Generation), subjects her teenage son and young daughter to these new living conditions as she proclaims that its a new start for the family. Thanks mom!
The teenage son comes to find out from a local gal that the house was built on a plot of land and has a history of farmers who've lost their cattle to some strange organism thats living in the ground. Generations of farmers have lost their cattle and the last family who owned the house had a deformed son who was kept locked in his room. When the family died suddenly one day, only the deformed son remained and legend has it, he still lives out in the masoleum in the middle of a gravesite which is located in THEIR front yard. Wowsers! Oh yeah, and the strange black, oil slick-looking, organism that lives in the ground is growing on the walls in the house and it happens to infect dead bodies chillin' in the mortuary and cemetary, turning them into savage zombies. You still with me?
The local hooligan teenagers come to the graveyard to get their groove on with their lady friends and run into deformed kiddo living in said tomb. They try to escape and instead get infected with the black gobbily goop (which totally reminds me of Night of the Creeps as its shot into their mouths). They, along with the other inhabitants of the graveyard and mortuary, chase the kids and the teenage boy's newly found love interest around the house. Oh and mommy dearest also becomes one of 'them' and trys to get the kids to eat a bowl of the Quaker State oil. In the all too hilarious climax, the kids are chased into the masoleum, they stumble upon the source of the goop (which looks EXACTLY like the fucking Sarlacc pit from Return of the Jedi) and pushes deformed kid into the pit along with the rampaging zombies. Yay, everyone is saved (except for dear ol' mum)!
By the time I got through with this film, my head hurt. Has Tobe Hooper done anything remotely good in the last twenty years?
Cortez the Killer
Friday, April 24, 2009
Check out the trailer below.
Cortez the Killer
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
T&A Factor 5/5
Holy awesome, what a great little find this was. File this under the 'so bad its good' category. A teenage girl is mourning the death of her dear ol' mum at a cemetary with her aunt when she suddenly flies into a berzerker rage. She runs through the cemetary as voices being to ring in her head. She sees a smoke cloud as it hovers and envelops the large mausoleum in the center of the cemetary and decides to enter inside (common sense be damned!). Upon entering, her eyes start glowing a crazy shade of green and some sort of pointy fingered, rubbery hand emerges from the concrete coffin. A caretaker enters the tomb to remove the girl, he sees the crazy stink eye, and he runs out into the cemetary where his head promptly explodes. Excelente!
Fast forward a few years and the grown woman begins to suspect that she is being possessed by the same demon that inhabited her madre. Apparently every first born woman in her family becomes possessed by this demon (why exactly? its never fully explained other than saying her family is cursed! Egad!). Her husband and psychiatrist don't know what to do about her strange behavior. Namely, she likes to get jiggy with random guys and hack them to pieces. This gal is scorching hot and the T&A factor is off the chain.
So the husband and psychiatrist come to find out that the only way to kill the demon is to put a crown of thorns on her head. Why? Again, its never fully explained. But who cares, by this point boobies abound and dudes are getting hacked to shit.
The only place to find the crown is back at the mausoleum. They lure the woman there, we see her in all her demonic glory (including mini little demon heads poking out of her ta ta's) and they get the crown of thorns onto her head by playing a game of carnival ring toss.
A decidedly goofy and silly affair, with about a '10' on the man-part, pitch-a-tent scale, Mausoleum is a hoot. No trailer for this one. But the aforementioned dude's head exploding can be found below. And I'm also attaching a picture to validate said hotness.
Cortez The Killer
Monday, April 20, 2009
Mechanical Rubber Fishhead Monster 5/5
Someone watched Alien, The Thing and The Abyss and said "Hey man, what if we combined those three movies with The Creature From the Black Lagoon"? And, lo and behold, Leviathan was born.
Starring a pile of late 80's staples - Robocop, the Black guy from Ghostbusters, The dorky guy from City Slickers and Home Alone, the hotel manager from Pretty Woman and the cranky colonel from the Rambo movies, Leviathan is a train wreck that gets worse with every passing second.
Here's the blow by blow - 16000 feet below the surface of the ocean lies an underwater station that is designed to mine silver. The people down below are three days from the end of their contract and are ready to head home. But then the one cocky, smart-ass miner (oh, there's always one isn't there) manages to get lost and stumbles upon the wreck of a Russian naval ship. The miners haul in a bunch of stuff including a safe filled with all kinds of goodies. This includes a bottle of vodka that, unbeknownst to the miners, is tainted with some virus or something that the Russians had created while attempting to create a super race of fish people to live underwater.
Go back and read that last sentence. Got it? Ok, stay with me.
Soon, the miners who had some of the vodka begin to get violently sick and develop weird symptoms -mmm, scales for example. They quickly die off, but the corpses, despite being in separate rooms, manage to find their way next to each other where they melt into one fleshy blob that becomes the karp-headed monster.
The rest of the film is spent with the remaining miners fighting off the ever growing karp monster. Until a couple of them manage to make it to the surface only to fight off some sharks. Talk about a bad day! DUH.
Despite it's R rating, there is minimal gore, no scares, little cursing and no nakedness. What gives? Weak and dumb.
You can find the trailer out there somewhere I am sure. I'm not bothering to give it to you.
- Complaint Dept
Friday, April 17, 2009
The third film in Lewis's Blood Trilogy, Color Me Blood Red employs much of the same tactics as the other two films that I've reviewed. Insert one eccentric and off-beat man character, give him some sort of deranged mental problem, coupled with healthy dosages of cheesball dialogue, and have him mutilate and maim young women. Its easy to see the correlation between his films as Lewis continues to transition from his early sexual exploitation films to horror (and eventually back again).
One evening, in a fit of frustration, the obssessive painter cuts his finger open and brushes it mistakenly against the canvas he is working on. A light bulb goes off as he's found the perfect shade of red to bring his work to life and give it the vibrancy that has been lacking.
Knowing that he can't continue to use his own blood, he constructs ways to lure helpless women into his home, starting with his subservient girlfriend. Killing them and stringing up their bodies, he cuts them open, allowing the blood to drip into a collection pan which he uses as his new paint supply.
Cortez the Killer
Monday, April 13, 2009
Lots of hype around this little indie film, but for the most part it really didn't live up to it. It's not bad as far as sci-fi horror films go - it has all the right ingredients - but there's something much too familiar about the entire thing. It's almost as though each scene, maybe each frame, can be directly linked to some previous film: Shaun of the Dead, Videodrome, The Ring, 28 Days Later, Evil Dead, Pulse, etc. etc.
The Signal is pretty straight forward in it's premise: One day, for some unexplained reason, everyone's TVs, radios and phones all start broadcasting this funky "signal" that turns people into murderous, rage filled killers. Anyone that sees or hears this signal long enough begins grabbing for weapons and killing everyone in their path.
This is where the film works. I love paranoia films where you can't trust anyone. That, to me, is not only scary but very possible. I'm a bit paranoid to begin with so the idea that everyone is out to get me is familiar - and when you put hedge clippers in their hands it becomes even scarier.
There are some decent gore scenes and several truly gruesome deaths that made me cringe (death by bug spray - yuck), and the overall feel of the film, from it's grainy cheap-video look to it's choppy editing, makes it feel slightly "off" in a good way. Kind of the way the dude outside 7/11 is "off." But in the end, it's just not enough.
The story gets all tangled up in this needless "love" triangle that does nothing but muck things up and distract from what could have been a kick ass "zombie" movie. Where we have heads being crushed to pulp by big, heavy iron scuba tank type things, we are then subjected to sappy flashbacks and "dream sequences" that, I suppose, are designed to make me feel some empathy for them or involvement in their "plights".
This can work sometimes if you give the story enough time to breathe and make sense of the romance or whatever, but in this case it never had a chance to develop. Besides, all of the characters are unlikeable and I just wanted them all to die. And frankly, I don't care. I watch a movie about rampaging killers because I want to be grossed out and see gore. Not to experience some sappy high school idea of "true love" via mix-CDs and "escaping to paradise."
Actually, I've decided I did not like this. Blerrgh.
- Complaint Dept
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Some movies you go into with the understanding that it will suck. The 2008 remake of Prom Night (apparently known as "TV Dinner" in the Philippines??) is one such movie. And sometimes, you want a film to suck really bad so that you can laugh at it and write a really funny review of it on your ding-dongy little blog that no one reads other than the other people that write on it. The 2008 remake of Prom Night let me down here.
Prom Night is shitty, without a doubt, but more than that it's just boring. There is nary a drop of blood, there are no scares, there are no fun plot twists, and there isn't even a goofy back story involved to try and make things a bit more entertaining. It's just dumb and boring.
The bulk of the film is spent with a group of teenagers going to prom and talking a lot, dancing, and going in an out of their hotel room. Really, those three things are 3/4 of this film.
Story: Teacher becomes obsessed with average looking bimbo student, kills her family and is sent to jail. Average bimbo student goes to prom and crazy teacher breaks out of jail, stalks her and kills a few people while trying (not very hard) to get her. The world's dumbest police force continues to let him slip through their fingers and he gets shot by the new boss on The Office and the movie ends. All the while a tepid and family friendly rock soundtrack never stops playing underneath the scenes.
I just don't understand the concept of bloodless, scareless horror movies. It's like putting a Nissan Sentra engine into a Dodge Viper. If you're going to do something, do it right, do it to the max. Sheesh.
I'm not going to spend my time copying the trailer here.
- Complaint Dept
The House on Sorority Row (now entitled Sorority Row) is being remade and apparently they dragged out Princess Leia from whatever rock she's been living under. Why they chose to remake one of the worst slasher films ever (looky here), is beyond me.
Apparently the dude who played Rorschach in the Watchmen flick is going to be the new Freddy Krueger. Whatevs.
Cortez the Killer