Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Dark Power (1985)
T&A Factor 2/5
This is the definition of a bad film. All film majors should see it. Historians should record it and document it as such. Critics should recall it with great fervor when jotting down notes that will eventually become their memoirs. But like every bad film that's a total train wreck, you can't help but slow down for a closer look.
The film starts off with some ancient mythological blatherings regarding the Toltecs. Long before the Indians, long before the Aztecs, these were supposedly some bad mo fos. The sorcerer's of the tribes could bury themselves into the ground for years and then resurrect themselves to feed on human flesh to replenish themselves. Or some shit like that. An old Indian (not Toltec, just some American Indian who believed in the Toltec myth) died in his home and we find out that he casted spells every night on his little plot of land to keep the four demons away. The number representing the four corners of the world....or some shit like that. Of course, none of the townsfolk believe in any of his hokey beliefs and let a group of college kids rent out the house. Rut ro Shaggy.
The kids move in and they are the necessary assortment of ripe victims: an athletic girl, the studious girl, the token black girl, the overly bitchy and extremely racist one, and her douchy brother. Wait what? An extremely racist girl? What is this the 1950's? Yes, certainly out of place among the stereotypically written cast of characters. Completely random. Anywhos, the kids spend their days doing college kids stuff: partying, drinking beer, studying, drinking more beer in the bath tub after a partically grueling workout at the gym.
One night, the brother invites some of his buddies over to drink some brewskis and mess with the girls in the house. It just so happens that its done on the night of the resurrection of the dark powers (or some shit like that)! And no Indian mystic is there to cast spells! But they don't believe in that hooey anyways. Well they should have because now all four have risen from their slumber and are set to wreak havoc and spoil all the fun! But these aren't any ordinary Toltec warriors. They are polite and well-mannered as they first knock on the front door before coming inside.
So once inside, the remarkably bad make-up'd and costume'd store warriors start killing off the friends and house mates, tripping over themselves during the process. After about the fourth or fifth time of doing so, I thought I was watching an episode of The Three Stooges. I thought these were supposed to be some big bad, meany warriors? Instead they fumbled their way through most of their killings.
Who's going to save us Shaggy? Cue trumpets and western themed music (I'm not kidding). The wild life ranger is here! Apparently the dead mystic gave him a bull whip that's made up of materials from all four corners of the world (or some shit like that)! He ironically bands together with the black girl as she finds the mystic's collection of Toltec sorcerer daggers and kills off the warriors who have a penchant for physical comedy. Hooray!
Holy fucking shit this movie was terrible but goddamn if you won't laugh out loud for 99.9% percent of the running time. I am now convinced that EVERY horror film maker during the 80's was snorting blow.
Cortez The Killer