Monday, November 23, 2009

Porn Shoot Massacre (2009)

Fear 0/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 0/5
T&A Factor: 5/5

Really, is there any synopsis required for a film that is pretty much self-explanatory? And shouldn't it ooze with unparalleled awesomeness just by the title itself, that by expounding upon its plot would be deemed wholly irrelevant? Yes and yes....if the film was actually good.

To begin things, a long drawn out shower scene occurs in which a big boob-ed girl lathers, washes and repeatedly massages and massages and massages her ta ta's, in preparation for her performance of what she hopes will be her master leg spreading work with a new and up-and-coming (get it?) adult film director. She doesn't get very far as she leaves the house and is strangled by a par of hands belonging to an unseen assailant just before she gets into her car.

A parade of the industry's 'best' show up at an out of the way wherehouse where they are informed by the director that they will be making a picture that will put to shame all orafice entering, cock gobbling, and midget sexing films. After a lot of in-fighting between the ladies as they argue about who's the better penis platform, they shoot their necessary scenes and die at the hands of a masked man who's roaming the set. You see, they are not there to actually film a porno but in fact, the director was offered a huge sum of money to make a horror movie. He wanted to make it as real as possible, figuring no one will miss a coked out porn star, recruiting a sadistic killer (who's mask looks like a dirty jock strap) and he let's him have his own way with the girls after they're done shooting.

The problem with the film is that the gimmick starts to wear and nothing else really holds it together. Obviously its not going to win any awards with its acting but films of this ilk usually have witty dialogue interspersed to keep it somewhat interesting. About 45 minutes in, I hit the display button on my DVD remote to see how much time was left. I mean, I love copious amounts of mammary glands just as much as the next guy. But the horror aspect is what really lacked. Many of the kills occurred off screen and by the time an interesting one took place (an S&M oriented gal is strung up by chains, a sledgehammer is taken to her mid section and the killer starts pulling out her intestines like he's uncoiling a spool of wire), I again was checking to see how much time was left.

I've seen worse but overall, I can only recommend this to the most diehard of fans. But really, there isn't anything in this we haven't seen before save for the main premise. And way hotter naked women can be had on the internets. Overall, a winning combination that should work but ultimately doesn't.

Cortez The Killer

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1 comment:

the jaded viewer said...

Kudos for sitting thru this shlockfest of bad acting and boobies.

Thats why you see horror and porn next to each other at a video store.