Friday, October 9, 2009

Zombieland (2009)

Fear 1/5
Gore 5/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 2/5

Kicking things off with a list of to do's and what not to do's in case of a zombie invasion, Zombieland starts in fine fashion with Metallica's 'For Whom The Bell Tolls' blaring over the opening credits interspersed with scenes of zombified goodness. Hell. Fucking. Yes.

A wayward teen who's been away to college and is trying to make his way back home to his cuckoo crazy family is surviving in a world overrun by the undead. Apparently there is a super strain of mad cow disease that has evolved and gone airborne, making folks all crazy-like and turning them into members of the living dead. Screw the particulars on why this dude didn't become one of them. This film is set up for one purpose and one purpose only: to kill multiple members of the undead, with body counts that far surpass Total Recall. OK, and its also set up to make you laugh your ass off. This film brings the funny.

The teen runs into a tobacco chewing badass who calls himself Tallahassee (as in the city, played by one Mr. Woody Harrelson) as he feels that real names only muddy the situation and it actually makes you all siss-a-fied. But they soon develop a close friendship and come across two sisters that bamboozle them on more than one occasion. You see, they stop at a local convenience store upon leaving beautiful Garland, TX on their way out to a supposed safe haven on the east coast and the girls end up stealing their truck and artillery.

Defeated and wandering through town, the kid and Harrelson happen upon a Hummer that's loaded with guns and they turn their lemons into Lynchburg Lemonade. They soon catch up to the girls who are all too quick to try and steal their newly found goods but despite their own needs of self-preservation, they actually grow attached to the goofy dynamic duo. Awwwwwww, how sweet.

The rest of the film is basically them fighting off legions of the undead with the grand finale being held at an amusement park in California. They decide to head out west instead of east for reasons not entirely known other than the sisters wanted to hit up an amusement park before they die. They drive through Hollywood and take refuge at an actor's home before the final showdown. I won't reveal who's house it is, but hands down, its the best cameo in a movie. EVER. I laughed until I cried.

Completely mindless fun, gore galore to keep the hounds happy, Zombieland is just good ol' fashion fun. Nothing revolutionary or mind blowing. And that's alright by me.

Cortez The Killer
* * *

Fear 1/5
Gore 4/5
Entertainment 1/5
Creepiness 0/5 unless you find Woody H kind of creepy which I do. . .

I was talking about this with a friend from work and he absolutely hated this. When I got him, my wife's friend had lent her copy to us to watch because she loved it. Cortez loved it as well, but it's been established through the scientific method that he and I tend to have differing opinions on what constitutes a good horror movie. My verdict - I'm siding with my buddy from work.

Zombieland is pointless, which sounds odd for a zombie film and for something this is just mindless fun. I mean, "duh" right? But there really is no point - except for the schmaltzy life lesson at the end that friends and family are important. And if there is one place I am not looking for life lessons, it's a second rate zombie movie with one of the cast of Cheers. Anyway, it's pointless in the way that it has no point. Simply put, there is no narrative - no struggle, no tension, no resolution, no point. And that's irritating.

It's also knee deep in some of my own personal pet peeves. The two girls abandon the two dudes to go visit an amusement park. At night. In a world overrun by zombies. So, of course they have to turn on all the power, which of course, attracts thousands of zombies which, of course, leads to a no-win situation that is somehow won. Shit like that, that's so painfully dumb, drives me fucking nuts. As my friend said to me earlier today "I wished all of these characters would die." I did too. But they don't.

And after the initial 15 minutes of the film are over (10 of which involve opening credits) this becomes a snoozy "comedy" with lots of dopey banter between the angsty dweeb (whose previous film was Adventureland oddly enough) and the tough talkin' redneck in snakeskin clothing. It's almost an emo zombie movie. Really.

Not nearly enough zombies - and fuck it, they aren't even zombies - they're infected people ala 28 Days Later. Too much comedy and dialogue and just boring.
The cameo is pretty good. it's Bill Murray. And he gets killed. There, I ruined it for you. Thank me later when you have 1 hour and 45 minutes of your life available to do something productive or entertaining.

Doo Doo.

- Complaint Dept

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