Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Majorettes (1986)

Fear 0/5
Gore 0/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5

Talk about the most deceivingly shot cover for a horror movie ever. It would lead you to believe that hot and sultry evil baton twirling vixens dispense justice at their school, whipping the shit out of douchey kids, all the while (hopefully), getting shit-faced, high, and banging the heck out of the entire football team. Sounds like the perfect set-up to the raddest slasher, T&A infested, sleaze soaked film ever right? Loaded with red herrings and even a complete shift in plot direction midway through, The Majorettes is anything but.

The film starts off with a really long and drawn out dance sequence. After seemingly 20 minutes of prancing around and having their pictures taken by the AV club head nerd, the girls head to the gym showers where the janitor of the school has a little hole in the wall staked out for a peepfest show and he takes pictures as they shower and change. After said shower scene, one of the girls heads home to her grandmother's. She's an invalid being cared for by a nasty nurse that demeans her every chance she gets. In words and actions, it becomes obvious that she is waiting for the old hag to kickoff so that she can collect all of her goodies (she's uber rich). And her son also happens to be the peeping janitor.

Another majorette in the group goes out on a date that night with the AV geek. They pull up to a local make out spot and as she attempts to get into his knickers, she stops herself in a moment of conscience play. You see, she's preggos and she was hoping to sleep with the dude and then pin the pregnancy on him. Apparently her former boyfriend who is a drug dealer and in a satanic biker gang (no joke) completely ditched her and she was hoping to use this poor kid. Whore! Just then, a figure leaps on top of the car, making growling noises, cloaked head to toe in camouflage gear. The figure takes a hunting knife to the top of the roof, ripping through and killing both teens.

This act sets off a string of some of the most boring kills I've ever seen in a horror movie. As the majorettes keep getting picked off one by one, you are led to believe its one of 3 peeps orchestrating these amazingly dull offings: the peeping tom janitor, the nurse who's hoping to collect from the old lady's estate or the drug dealing, satanic biker gang dude. But none of these 3 are the killer at all kiddos! No, no. Its the local sheriff who's a wacko religious type who wants to cleanse the soul of the whorish miscreant majorettes! After he kills each, he performs a ritualistic baptismal and pours water over their heads.

After the killer is revealed at about an hour in, the head quarterback goes on a Rambo mission to avenge the death of his girlfriend, taking out the hideout of the satanic, drug dealing biker gang as he believes they are to be held responsible. At this point in the movie, you begin to think that the script writer just said 'fuck it'. Well you know what, now I am too. Avoid this piece of shit at all costs.

Cortez the Killer


Horror Remix said...

Any movie that goes from slasher to Rambo is fine by me. This is a really fun and wacky movie. If you love unique 80s slashers, this is a good one. And the swimming pool kill is really good and kinda creepy.

Cortez the Killer said...

But overall, there was very little blood and no gore. And did you notice in that scene he makes several jabbing motions and when the final money shot is shown, there are ZERO knife marks on the girl's body?

I will say the ending was funny. The spray painted trailer with 666 and AC/DC was hysterical. Oh, I guess this is where the satanic biker gang lives. Be vewy vewy quiet....

Tower Farm said...

Wow...the box must be deceiving...because it looks great.

Thanks for the warning!