Thursday, July 2, 2009

Just Before Dawn (1981)

Fear 0/5
Gore 1/5
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 0/5
If the Sharpee drawing on this poster doesn't clue you in to the low budgetry of Just Before Dawn then you need to look closer. It's an amazing piece of art. The poster I mean. The film is doo-doo.
Slow, virtually bloodless and completely textbook early 80's slasher film cashing in on the Friday the 13th series. Ugly kids with ridiculous hair and clothes drive their kick-ass van up to the woods to go camping. They drink, get loud and remove articles of clothing. Groovy right?
Meanwhile, twin inbred fat-asses are slowly lurking about with machetes and fake eyebrows, intent on heavy breathing, sweating, grunting and drooling. Occasionally they kill someone, but the killings are few and far between. Mainly they just menace...sort of.
Actually the first offing is kind of rad - machete through the crotch and out the arse. But that, sadly, is the full extent of the gore and mayhem we are to be dealt. From minute 7 onwards it's a total snoozer.
For some reason, this is being touted about as a long lost classic, even being sold as a two disc set. According to Wikipedia it "has now developed a devoted cult following among horror fans. It is praised for its eerie atmosphere, lush cinematography, and above-average cast." Here's some things that have more entertainment value than Just Before Dawn:
Potsy on Happy Days
BMX Bike Races
Roadside monuments to people killed in drunk driving accidents
Juggalo Championship Wrestling
Daisy of Love
"Your Mom" jokes
Duran Duran circa 1996
Gorefest? Try Borefest.!Bwaaahaha, I'm hilarious, look at me. Trailer...fuck it. You do the work. I had to watch this shit sandwich.
- Complaint Dept

1 comment:

Cortez the Killer said...

You forgot to capitalize the 'N' in BrokeNCYDE. You made it through the entire film whereas I can't even make it through a single one of their shitastic songs.