Monday, July 6, 2009

The Devil's Tomb (2009)


Fear 2/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 3/5
Creepiness 1/5
Perusing the never ending walls of movie selections at BlockBuster, I came across what surely had to be a hidden gem. An action horror starring Cuba Gooding Jr. AND Henry Rollins, who's back cover implies ancient Satanic evils? Yes please, sign me up. Not too mention I have a huge man crush on ol' Hanky. I'm a big time fan of the dude.
Starting off in familiar horror action territory, a band of mercenaries are sent to extract a doctor from an ancient tomb with the aide of his daughter as a tour guide. They land via hello-copter in the middle of the desert and are lead to a hidden hatch that leads into the first level of an underground base. You see, the base was constructed around the tomb to keep whatever was trapped inside absolutely, 100%, Glad freezer bag tight. The tour guide talks of the mission as being 'classified' and one begins to wonder if they are there to make sure E.T. doesn't phone home. But wait, upon entering the base, they run into a priest who has a gnarly skin rash and he starts speaking in tongues. Surely this can't be the work of space beings?
As the group traverse through the base and its many passageways in search of the doctor that is holed up in a safe room, they come across another man with Linda Blair eyes, who's skin is also in dire need of some Benadryl, and he starts spewing all kinds of biblical nonsense. They make quick work of him and continue on their merry way. As they move along, constant scene cutaways reveal a creature frozen in a block who's outline looks exactly like am interplanetary being. The bible and aliens? How does it all fit dear Watson?
So Cuba and his rag tag band of mercs continue on and as they do so, they are constantly taunted and haunted in their heads by whatever evil is trapped inside. They come across Mr. 'Get in The Van' (one of the raddest books ever, BTW) Rollins, who's locked himself in another safe room. And holy shit, he's a priest too! He leads them to the tomb where the creature is being held and begins to impart upon the group of soldiers his wisdom of the scriptures and why this creature is here. You see the figure being kept frozen in the block and hidden in a tomb isn't an alien (nevermind the fact that it looks EXACTLY like every stereotypical incarnation of a space bugger you've ever seen). They are fallen angels cast out from heaven and sent to earth. If not for God, they would have possessed and turned people into evil doers. He created tombs to imprison the aliens, but not really aliens. And once the good doctor came across his discovery, he couldn't leave, as the spirit of the evil alien angel began to possess him. Had he left the base, he would of unleashed it upon the world. This is some Choose Your Own Adventure type of plot construction for fuck's sake.
Its then revealed that the soldiers were never meant to leave and are basically on a suicide mission. One of the soldiers is a computer geek and was brought along to hack into the mainframe of the base. Unbeknownst to him, once he did, it set off a ticking clock that counted down to its self-destruction. The base blows up, killing all inhabitants except for Daddy Day Camp. Seriously, he's a former Oscar winner and he's fallen THAT much that he stars in a sequel to a movie that starred Eddie Murphy?
Dopey dinguses that love Resident Evil, Doom, Aliens vs. Predator and other films of this ilk, will eat this up. Despite some really neat-o gore scenes, the plot and 'grand' reveal towards the end made my head hurt.

Cortez the Killer


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