Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Chopping Mall (1986)

Fear 2/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 2/5
T&A Factor 5/5

Anyone who reads this here interwebs blog knows of my affinity for cornball, cheese dick-a-licious 80's horror flicks. Horror movies from the 80's range from genre defining to downright awful to so bad its good, like going on a candy binge when you need to have a severe root canal. Painfully aweful yet oh so sweet. Chopping Mall definitely fits into the later category.

A high end robotic security team of Johnny 5's (think a bastard, stubby Ewok-a-fied version of the robot from Short Circuit), are dispatched nightly at a local mall to scan the various levels and be on the lookout for any bad dudes. One night, a storm hits and a bolt of lightning is sent through the engineering room, zapping the little robots and making them go cuckoo nutzoids.

A group of kids that work in the mall decide to lock up shop and then head over to the furniture emporium to shack up together for the night, indulging in the typical excesses that are a hallmark of 80's horror: sex, booze, etc. I love 80's horror movies for mainly 2 things: T&A and the ridiculous characterization of dopey and douchey teens. Somewhere in the mix is of course, blood and gore, but the way these characters are written and the mozzarella cheese uttered in just about every line of dialogue is simply amazing.

The robots start picking off the kids and janitors who are cleaning up the place for the night and the remaining kiddos band together to fight off the wacked out Johnny 5's. They raid a sporting good store in the mall which just so happens to stock military assault rifles (seriously?) and they devise ways to kill off the crazed tin cans on mechanized wheels.

This movie has it all: robots, lazers, sex crazed kids, cornball dialogue (one of the girls grabs a gun from one of the dudes when he can't shoot straight and after she hits her target says, 'My dad was a marine'-- what a freakin' coincidence!) and one of the raddest head exploding scenes I have ever seen this side of Scanners. See this 80's classic if you haven't already.

Cortez the Killer

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