A Remake Rant

God damn the never ending shit storming slew of remake announcements is really getting me fired up. I mean are there no original ideas anymore? Scrap that, there are (see here and here) but they are getting pushed down and largely ignored (by mass audiences) by money hungry, mainstream movie production companies. I guess the arguement could be made that good horror is underground and has that following (kind of like heavy metal) and thats how we like it. But its bad enough that the big time production companies are telling us which TV shows from our childhood we WILL like on the big screen. And don't think for a minute that that is not their agenda. But now they are dumbing down some of our most beloved horror films for a mass appeal. I have to admit that I was vaguely intrigued with the announcement of Jackie Earle Haley as the next Freddy Krueger (mainly because of his badass portrayal of Rorschach) but then hopes were dashed immediately when I read that Freddy would be 'accidentally' killed by the townsfolk and Nancy is now a misguided goth chick. Jesus Christ. Even the child killer moniker is being dumbed down so that it appeals to a 'broader' audience. Great, thats all I need, a horror movie that appeals to the Sunday church crowd.

Today comes the announcement of a Fright Night remake. And the 'intention' is to keep the horror-comedy angle in tact. Thanks fucktwits, I appreciate the consideration. Look, I'm all for bringing a younger generation into the fold when it comes to horror movies and I feel that in most regards, that is why these movies are being remade. But a cheesy slasher is a cheesy slasher. Why do they need to remake old, beloved classics? I mean the formula is pretty simple. Group of douchey kids, some psycho maniac that has some sort of mommy or daddy issues, hacks them to shit by any means necessary, rinse, repeat.

When done right, the remake can be serviceable (see the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dawn of the Dead). But by and large, most have sucked donkey nuts mainly due to the director's own dick stroking wankery. Complaint Dept. said it best. Its like saying, "Yeah, that Mona Lisa painting is pretty good, but I bet I could do it better." Such arrogant horseshit. The reason why some of these movies fail so miserably is that they try and put a new 'spin' on the character, somehow thinking the previous great incarnation just wasn't good enough. We have to dumb them down by exploring their 'human' side or recast a group of completely unlikeable kids that are hip with this generation to appeal to a new audience (and we don't give a shit about a single one of them when they get offed). Are you exhausted yet? Because I sure as fuck am.

Cortez The Killer