Saturday, May 9, 2009

Iced (1988)

Fear 1/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 2/5
T&A Factor: 5/5

Oh my fucking ridiculous. I saw a snippet of this at the tail end of '08 when my buddy premiered one of his first Horror Remix shows (see here) and had to get my hands on a copy ASAP (OK so it took me awhile, I do have a day job afterall). Much like most of the slasher films from the 80's, it could only be found on VHS. Until that is, the genius of the and Cinemageddon came along.

Iced kicks off with a group of friends that are out on the slopes, hitting some powder (no, not nose candy although there is some of that shenanigans going on later). One of the douchey 'I want to show off my manhood' guys challenges his buddy to a race down the slopes. Apparently the buddy bragged about skiing down the Swiss Alps and its high time to challenge the dude and really see what he's made of (because that's what douchey guys do). They race down the slope and douchey guy cuts off his friend and he wipes out. Bogus!

So bruised ego Swiss Alps skier laments his loss in the ski lodge's bar that night, getting shitfaced. He heads back to his room to find the girl that he came with hooking up with one of his friends. He's like 'What the hey? You came with me.' And she's like 'We are only just friends.' And he flips his shit. He then decides to hit the slopes for a late night run and ends up sliding off a side of an embankment where he crashes into a rock below and dies. Or so we think....

Five years later, the same group of friends are personally invited by the owner of the ski lodge to stay for the weekend. The rag tag bunch are composed of some really interesting characters: an overly lovey dovey couple, their coked out, paranoid friend, one horned up girl who's looking for love in all the wrong places, another couple that is trying to rekindle their love, and a sporty spice girl who loves to randomly workout around the house, oftentimes lifting weights in the kitchen while her friends cook. I'm not making this up. She even thinks a rolling pin is an appropriate hand weight.

So we think that Swiss Alps friend has come back for revenge as the friends start gettting picked off one by one. Some pretty cool scenes including a ski pole through the neck and the slutty girl getting electrocuted in a hot tub. Come to find out that its not the Swiss Alps friend at all! No, no, if that revenge scheme doesn't seem plausible enough how about this one: apparently the owner of the lodge was best buds with the Swiss Alps dude and the night he decided in a fit of fury to traverse down the slope in the middle of the night, he went out looking for him. When he reached the site of his injured friend, he too crashed and severly broke his leg and it had to be amputated. He would have been a world class skier by golly and now its time for the bastards to pay!

High on everything that makes a so bad it's good slasher great: cornball dialogue, some cool kill scenes (although not a lot of gore but the camp more than makes up for it), and T&A galore. And the ending, I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard at the end of a horror movie. The lovey dovey couple survives, have a home in the mountains, and are outside making a snowman with their little ankle biters. As they put the finishing touches on the snowman, blood starts coming out of one of its eyes and the killer busts out of it! Booyah! I'd like to shake the creative dick who came up with this one. My god this movie is so ridiculous. And bad. And good. This is getting 'shit-sandwich', 'cheesedick' AND 'recommended' tags. Check out the hilarious wrap-up from Horror Remix's resident puppet commentators, Thunderclap and Cheesecake below.

Cortez the Killer

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