Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Hand (1981)

Fear 0/5
Gore 1/5
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 1/5
Michael Caine's Pageboy Haircut: 5/5

Not sure if this Oliver Stone's first major film or not and I am too lazy to dig any deeper. I do know this - it's not his finest work and that's saying a lot because I think Stone is a hammy ding dong whose movies are overrated and kinda poopy. Natural Born Killers? The Doors? Talk Radio? Born on the Fourth of July? Come on.

It stars Micheal Caine in what must have been either a favor or a lost bet. Caine is a self absorbed comic book artist in a loveless marriage. His wife is no longer interested in him, though she is smitten with the hippy dippy yoga instructor whose tight and short shorts are spectacle to behold. As is Caine's hair. It's sort of a cross between He-Man and Gene Wilder, but looks as though he combed it with a pork chop.

Caine loses his hand in a car accident and becomes depressed as his comic book writing days come to an end. As he allows his life to spiral out of control his severed hand comes back to start killing those with whom he is pissed at. This includes the grimy hippy chick he hooks up with and the grimier hippy dude who also hooks up with the grimy hippy chick. The hand eventually kills his wife and then goes after Caine himself.

But - surprise surprise - it was all in his head. It was HIM doing the killing, not the hand. He was just crazy! What a twist! I was stunned. It was like Fight Club and Evil Dead rolled up into one poop flavored burrito that I was force fed. . . well, ok, to be fair I was not waterboarded into watching this, I actually added it onto my Netflix and chose to watch it. But yeah, it's no good.

The severed hand is even a disappointment. Being 1981 and being so obviously influenced by The Evil Dead (or maybe the Addams Family) I was really, REALLY hoping for some kick ass claymation. But nay, I was only treated to a sub par mechanical, latex hand.

But man, Caine's hair is dy-no-mite! Oh, and there is a really ugly little girl in it as well. That was kind of scary.

- Complaint Dept.

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