Saturday, May 9, 2009

Dark Corners (2006)

Fear 0/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5
Proof that anyone can make a movie as long as they have access to money, Dark Corners is about as turdy as a horror film can get. Here's why:
Thora Birch - She's wooden and lifeless and a little weird looking with her tiny little doll head (that's totally out of balance with her Tyra Banks sized forehead). This girl cannot act.
"Clever" plot twists: Oooooh, is it all a dream? Is she crazy, is it all in her head? Is this the dream or is her real life the dream? Blaaaaaghhh, fucking spare me the 11th grade mind-bender shit. Either scare me, gross me out, or disturb me. I don't need a complex and, ultimately, pointless story to muddle up my horror movie experience. 
Dialogue: It's important to be able to forget that the people on screen are actors and that what they are saying is scripted. And it's important to make these people seem like everyday, normal people with everyday normal lives. But the endless banter and cutesy verbal vomit between Birch and her husband, along with all of the other dialogue in this poo-bomb, is beyond bad. It's awkward and weird. it's as if the writer has never had a real relationship with anyone in his life.
Cheap Gore - I've no problem with cheap gore actually. But when you work with a low budget, there is an art to hiding the fact that your resources as limited. You don't flaunt how rubbery your prosthetics are or how thin and watery your pink blood is but putting it right in the cameras face every time you can. It becomes a 1970's Godzilla film. 
Dark Corners sucks. What's it about you ask? I don't know. Blonde Thora Birch might be dreaming the life of black haired Thora Birch, or maybe it's the other way around. One lives in a sanitary and clean happy world, the other in a dark and sinister world. About 3/4s of the way through I started fast forwarding so I can't really say. I suppose I didn't give this film a fair chance. Well, life isn't fair. It is, however, short. So I didn't want to waste my time. I suggest you do the same. 

- Complaint Dept

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