Wednesday, April 29, 2009

You'll Check In, But You May Not Check Out.......

Motel Hell (1980)

Fear 2/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 5/5
Creepiness 2/5

A young couple riding a motorcycle crash in the backroads of a small town with the female rider being the only survivor. A farmer who owns a small motel that is attached to a farm takes her in to help her recover from her injuries. The farmer, along with his wacky sister, takes care of the young girl, treating her wounds and easing her pain after he informs her that her boyfriend died in the crash. They bury him out on his farmland and hold a ceremony, where he implores the girl to stay as long as she wants. The girl agrees and the good times begin to roll.

The farmer is known in the town for his cured meats and people passing through town stop after seeing many of his roadside billboards (which look a lot like Farmer John ads, if you're from the West Coast). Anywhos, the local health inspector is convinced that something is up and is looking for any reason to shut him down. What is it exactly that has this guy convinced that the farmer is up to no good? Well kiddos, its revealed that the secret ingredient to his fine meats is grinded up human flesh. Yessir, he kidnaps and plants people into the soil on his farm and when they're deemed 'ripe', they're mixed with pork to create a one of a kind taste! The farmer gives the inspector a good whack over the head with his shovel and he quickly becomes a newly planted seed.

The local sheriff (who has fallen for the girl the farmer has taken in) also begins to suspect something is up. His suspicions are backed when some of the inserted man-plants begin to sprout and crawl out of their potted pasture (one if them is none other than Mr. Cliff Clavin who plays a drummer in a punk rock-ish band). When the sheriff confronts the farmer (who's wearing a severed pigs head) in his slaughterhouse, they square off in an epic chainsaw battle and the sheriff wins and saves the day. Hooray!

Cheese and goofiness galore, not a whole lot of gore (save for the victorious end), but overall, Motel Hell is one hell of a good time!


Moutaintop Motel Massacre (1986)

Fear 2/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 4/5
Creepiness 2/5

Meet Evelyn. She's batshit crazy. She's let out of an insane asylum and allowed to take care of her granddaughter and her off-the-side-of-the-road and a little down yonder motel. One day she goes apeshit after seeing her little daughter as she's praying to her dead father near a makeshift shrine she's built in her room. She swings and flails a sickle, knocking over the shrine and inadvertently killing her granddaughter. The local sheriff comes to investigate after she calls, she says it was an 'accident', he lets her stay without arresting her after her friend (a pastor) tells him that she is no longer crazy and that this was simply an accident. Whoops, bad mistake.

So the pastor is put up in one of her motel rooms as a way of saying 'thanks' and a whole slew of characters begin to show up who need a room to shack-up in: a newly married couple, a fix-it man traveling through town, a record executive and two cousins who are traveling out west to become famous!

Evelyn goes batshit again one night after hearing her granddaughter's voice and goes from room to room planting bags of poisonous snakes. She has underground tunnels built that go from room to room and she pops up to leave her little bundle of joy. She also uses her tunnel to hack to pieces some of the unsuspecting inhabitants, including one of the cousins who have now shacked up with the sleazy record mogul. As the other occupants begin to figure out what's going on, the fix-it dude and sheriff, who's now come back after he suspects that something just wasn't right the first time around, track the old bitty down in the tunnel and have one last stand.

Not nearly as funny as Motel Hell but definitely good times throughout. These two films are great to watch back-to-back if you want something that's a cross between Texas Chainsaw Massacre (but with considerably less gore) and the Beverly Hillbillies. Yee-haw!

Cortez the Killer

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