Monday, April 27, 2009

Mortuary (2005)

Fear 0/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 0/5

I was fairly bored yesterday and when this popped up on Showtime's Beyond programming, I was a little intrigued and couldn't change it after watching it for about 15 minutes (even though it was remarkably aweful). Upon further review of my Verizon Fios menu (which is the most amazing cable service going these days BTW), I noticed the film was directed by Tobe Hooper. Maybe this will get better?, I thought and I soldiered on.

A family moves to a small town where the mother takes up the job of running the local mortuary. The mortuary (and house its attached to) is about the most run down, filth-ridden shack of doo doo that you've ever seen and the mother (who's played by that blonde starship captain from Star Trek: The Next Generation), subjects her teenage son and young daughter to these new living conditions as she proclaims that its a new start for the family. Thanks mom!

The teenage son comes to find out from a local gal that the house was built on a plot of land and has a history of farmers who've lost their cattle to some strange organism thats living in the ground. Generations of farmers have lost their cattle and the last family who owned the house had a deformed son who was kept locked in his room. When the family died suddenly one day, only the deformed son remained and legend has it, he still lives out in the masoleum in the middle of a gravesite which is located in THEIR front yard. Wowsers! Oh yeah, and the strange black, oil slick-looking, organism that lives in the ground is growing on the walls in the house and it happens to infect dead bodies chillin' in the mortuary and cemetary, turning them into savage zombies. You still with me?

The local hooligan teenagers come to the graveyard to get their groove on with their lady friends and run into deformed kiddo living in said tomb. They try to escape and instead get infected with the black gobbily goop (which totally reminds me of Night of the Creeps as its shot into their mouths). They, along with the other inhabitants of the graveyard and mortuary, chase the kids and the teenage boy's newly found love interest around the house. Oh and mommy dearest also becomes one of 'them' and trys to get the kids to eat a bowl of the Quaker State oil. In the all too hilarious climax, the kids are chased into the masoleum, they stumble upon the source of the goop (which looks EXACTLY like the fucking Sarlacc pit from Return of the Jedi) and pushes deformed kid into the pit along with the rampaging zombies. Yay, everyone is saved (except for dear ol' mum)!

By the time I got through with this film, my head hurt. Has Tobe Hooper done anything remotely good in the last twenty years?

Cortez the Killer

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