Monday, April 20, 2009

Leviathan (1989)

Fear 0/5
Gore 1/5
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 0/5
Mechanical Rubber Fishhead Monster 5/5

Someone watched Alien, The Thing and The Abyss and said "Hey man, what if we combined those three movies with The Creature From the Black Lagoon"? And, lo and behold, Leviathan was born.

Starring a pile of late 80's staples - Robocop, the Black guy from Ghostbusters, The dorky guy from City Slickers and Home Alone, the hotel manager from Pretty Woman and the cranky colonel from the Rambo movies, Leviathan is a train wreck that gets worse with every passing second.

Here's the blow by blow - 16000 feet below the surface of the ocean lies an underwater station that is designed to mine silver. The people down below are three days from the end of their contract and are ready to head home. But then the one cocky, smart-ass miner (oh, there's always one isn't there) manages to get lost and stumbles upon the wreck of a Russian naval ship. The miners haul in a bunch of stuff including a safe filled with all kinds of goodies. This includes a bottle of vodka that, unbeknownst to the miners, is tainted with some virus or something that the Russians had created while attempting to create a super race of fish people to live underwater.

Go back and read that last sentence. Got it? Ok, stay with me.

Soon, the miners who had some of the vodka begin to get violently sick and develop weird symptoms -mmm, scales for example. They quickly die off, but the corpses, despite being in separate rooms, manage to find their way next to each other where they melt into one fleshy blob that becomes the karp-headed monster.

The rest of the film is spent with the remaining miners fighting off the ever growing karp monster. Until a couple of them manage to make it to the surface only to fight off some sharks. Talk about a bad day! DUH.

Despite it's R rating, there is minimal gore, no scares, little cursing and no nakedness. What gives? Weak and dumb.

You can find the trailer out there somewhere I am sure. I'm not bothering to give it to you.

- Complaint Dept

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