Monday, March 30, 2009

Twilight (2008)

Fear 0/5
Gore 0.5 / 5
Creepiness 0/5
Entertainment 1/5

I went into this knowing that a) my expectations could not have been any lower b) I was not paying for this and c) the "novel" was written by an active member of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Now, to be clear, I'm not knocking the LDS religion or any member of it's faith. But let's also be clear that one should not expect anything even resembling a decent horror film from that sort of background. I say this having a somewhat close relationship (or at least understanding) of the LDS faith.

So, knowing I was not going to like this, how did it fare? Mmmm, slightly better than "unwatchable" and slightly worse than "awful".

For those not in the know, who have, perhaps been residing in the International Space Station for the last year or so, Twilight tells the story of a teenage girl who falls for a teenage vampire. The vampire is part of a "family" of other vampires who have chosen to refrain from drinking the blood of humans. There is also a rival gang of vampires that has chosen to follow their natural instincts, bloodlessly dispatching victims off screen or in scenes cut and chopped to avoid anything slightly frightening. Inevitably the two groups clash (in the middle of a vampire baseball game by the way - seriously one of the dumbest fucking scenes ever filmed) and one of the bad vampires (the "tracker") starts to hunt down the human girl. This, of course, requires her bloodsucker boyfriend to defend her and protect her.

And here lies the draw of this film - it is specifically aimed , targeted and marketed to clean, wholesome 14 year old girls longing for some big haired, intense looking dude to swoop in and carry them off in his burly arms - kind of like a pseudo-goth version of nearly every Disney cartoon. The only thing missing here is a herd of ponies. The only think tying it (ever so tenuously) to the horror genre is that vampires are involved.

If you are a squeaky clean pre-pubescent girl, or work with computers for a living, you may enjoy this fluffy feel good piece of shit.

I am not and I did not.


Cortez the Killer said...

I hate how the film basically shits on the entire vampire mythos (not really susceptible to sunlight, garlic, crosses, etc.). They were vampires in only the vaguest of senses. They may as well have been teeenage mutant douchebag ninja yuppies.

Anonymous said...

Whatever. I'm a girl and I get it. I love that guy...hex