Monday, March 30, 2009

Teeth (2008)

Fear 0/5
Gore 4/5
Creepiness 3/5
Entertainment 2/5


There was something vaguely Canadian about this strange little film, so I was surprised to find out that it's a product of the American South. Teeth wins by simply having one of the ickiest concepts ever for a horror movie - one that could only be explored in a B movie setting.

Dawn is a sugary sweet high school student who spends a great deal of time promoting the importance of chastity, purity and true love. She's a member of the local high school's abstinence club (high school is a lot weirder than I remember it being) and spots a red "purity ring" - not unlike the Jonas Brothers. She spends even more time and effort suppressing her natural urges - like swimming at the local pond with the hunky new guy who joined the Jesus Club earlier that week.

Oh, and she apparently has a vagina lined with razor sharp teeth - but that comes later on.

Her step-brother is a bong hitting, tribal tattoo wearing Pantera fan who spends most of his time banging his girlfriend and punching guys out. He also wants to get hot and heavy with his step-sister (Dawn - aka Shark Vag). Her mom is dying of some disease and her step dad is a wussy do nothing who is about as useful as a six pack of non-alcoholic beer.

As Dawn goes about her perky little life, she begins to have all of her doubts and fears about sex and men affirmed for her. Hunky Jesus guy turns out to be a douche in emo guy's clothing and tries to rape her, only to have his knob sawed off. And yes, there is some good pee-pee removal gore scenes. A couple other dudes try the same thing and there is copious amounts of spurting blood and severed wieners.

So - if you came in expecting genital torture and gore, you won't leave disappointed. I'm not sure if the scenes here rival Hostel II, but they're pretty gross. And honestly the scene where the gynecologist tries to molest her is pretty funny. Sounds terrible, but it's funny - you'd have to see it to get it.

But other than that, there's not a lot being offered here. Which is a disappointment because there's a lot, conceptually and philosophically, that could be explored other than "man bad, woman get revenge". If that's what I was looking for I'd watch I Spit on Your Grave again. Or, now I guess, this.

Good concept and a big fucking A for effort, but the execution kind of fell flat. I enjoyed this a little, but only because the idea of having my willy bitten off makes me cringe - and that, of course, is the main job of a horror movie. Still - I wish Teeth had a bit more...well teeth.

- Complaint Dept


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