Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Ghosts of Mars (2001)

Fear 0/5
Gore 1/5
Creepiness 0/5
Entertainment 1/5
Goddamn, what a fucking terrible movie. There is nothing good about this cheap-ass, creaky dumb and, frankly, insulting movie.
Here's what you get - It's the future and mankind has colonized Mars. So far all we've been able to do is "mine" and dust I think. There's also a prison there...or something. Ice Cube is there for sure, and he's dangerous as fuck! Look out. Oh and women run the world now, an interesting plot twist that, ultimately has nothing to do with anything.
So, some cops are sent to pick up Cube and bring him back to . . . uh, another prison I think. Pam Grier is there, Jason Statham is there and the man-lady from Species is there too. They all suck shit and their dialogue is atrocious. I mean really terrible. So they get to the town where Cube is cold chillin' and immediately have to start fighting a mob of zombie miners who have been possessed by the ghosts of Mars' previous civilization. I think, I don't know. All I could gather was that there was a lot of face paint, a lot of self-mutilaton, a lot of leather, and some metal lookin' dude that was the leader who roared a lot. Like a lion. Oh, and some other criminals that run with Cube - a Hispanic guy, a Black guy and a Native American. Good to know that even in the future people of color can still only get roles as criminals. I was surprised by the absence of a Little Person dressed as a dwarf. Good one John Carpenter.
The movie ends like this:
Man-Lady stands up and shows us her underwear. She answers the door and it's Ice Cube with a shiny, plastic gun. "You'd make a good crook" he says. "You'd make a good cop, " she replies. Cube laughs. "Let's just go kick some ass!" Man-lady smiles "It's what we do best". Cue the nu-metal soundtrack.
After watching this I gouged out my eyes with a letter opener.
- Complaint Dept

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