Friday, February 20, 2009

Terror Train (1980)


Fear 0
Gore 0
Entertainment 0
Creepiness 0

Some tool bag over at
IMDB described this film as 'Halloween on the rails'. Nice try dickwad, but this is no where near the same level of film nor does it bear any qualities of its ridiculously awesome forebearer.

Terror Train kicks off with a Frat party that (of course) involves a bunch of drunken college boys and girls. A group of kids decide to play a prank on a nerdy dude that is coming to the party. The guys of the frat house tell him there is a 'surprise' waiting upstairs for him and the kid obviously thinks he's gonna get some sorority sister sex pleasures coming his way. He makes his way upstairs and is coaxed into sitting on the edge of the bed by what appears to be a naked woman. The girly prank wanksters hiding behind the curtains, call out sweet nothings and the kid proceeds to take off the bed sheet that shrouds the seemingly naked girl. Instead of a hot, supple, young sorority piece of meat, he instead finds a rotting corpse (where these silly pranksters got one, who knows). So the dude freaks out, jumps up on the bed and gets entangled in the bed curtains that hang down from the canopy. This supposedly scars him and he gets committed to a nut house. Lame.

Flash forward a couple years and the kids decide to throw a big New Year's Eve costume party on a train (who the fuck does this?). Their in-train form of entertainment as they ride into the night? A ska/reggae outfit and David Fucking Copperfield. Yes kids, everyone's favorite anorexic magician comes on board to entertain the kids with his illusions and wizardry.

Naturally, the dude comes back to avenge the foul prank, coming on board the train and picking off the kids who devised the plot years ago. The problem with the film is that there is very little blood or gore and the film is only a slasher in the vaguest of senses (most folks tend to lump this in to the genre for some reason). There is no real thrills or scares in the film as it relies heavily on suspense and build up but there is just no punch come go time. Instead what you get is an hour and a half movie about David Copperfield and some band playing really bad ska. Seriously, after about 45 minutes in, I thought I was watching a completely different movie: 'David Copperfield and the Dance Hall Crashers.'

Avoid this film at all costs. Not even having scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis was enough to save this train wreck (hehe, get it?) of a flick.

Cortez the Killer

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