Sunday, February 8, 2009

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

Fear 2
Gore 5
Entertainment 5
Creepiness 2

The most fun I've had at the movies in a long time. Period. End of story. My Bloody Valentine 3D is a freakin' hoot.
Following some of the story elements of its predecessor (dude with a pick axe, killing kids on Valentine's Day), the film involves a group of kids that work in a mining factory in a small town. As the story goes, on Valentine's Day 10 years ago, there was an accident in a mine shaft that trapped a bunch of workers, cutting off their air supply ('I'm so out of love, I'm so lost without you'). Anyways, one of the miners kills off the rest of his coworkers so that he conserves air. He goes nuts-oid after being rescued and is institutionalized ('All I wanted was a Pepsi, just a Pepsi'). He escapes and 10 years later, he comes back to town to kill off the new group of kids working for the mine.
I wouldn't say this movie is a complete remake. The story and plot elements are different (the Valentine's Day holiday is more of a back drop in this film where it was front and center in the original). I missed the element of the dance the kids attended in the original and the sheer terror that the wielding pick axeman was inflicting on the town.
However, what it lacks in original story elements it more than makes up for with scenes of incredible gore. Obviously the way the film was shot was meant to capture the entire capabilities of the latest in 3D technology. And boy does this film deliver in spades. Heads flying into the audience, axe tips coming straight at you, its truly an awesome movie watching experience.
So go see this with a group of friends. Guaranteed good times. Who cares if the plot is a little shaky. Its all about the bloody goodness.

Cortez the Killer
* * * * *
Fear 0/5
Gore 5/5
Entertainment 3/5
Creepiness 1/5
I didn't shit my pants over this the way Cortez did, but I did enjoy it. Had I had a pair of 3D glasses, I think I would have really dug it. The creative minds behind this did a really solid job of doing everything they could to make this "pop" out at you - pick axes, tree branches, cars - hell, even a guys ripped out jawbone - all come flying at you in (what I imagine to be) gloriously cheesy 3D action.
The story is pretty similar to the original except that it's set in Pennsylvania instead of Canada. And I have to admit, I miss the thick accents the original had going for it. If you've seen the original you know what I'm talking about. It's like a cast made up of the Toronto Maple Leafs ("run eh!"). Or Bob and Doug McKenzie.
I love you Canada. You brought me Loverboy, Rush and Triumph back in the 70s. Later you'd bless me with DOA, Subhumans and VoiVod. But I digress.
Anyway, what makes this film fun isn't the well crafted story (ahem), the awesome acting (ahem) or the twist ending (ahem). It's the gore that starts almost from the beginning of the movie. Sure, it's almost all CGI and the effects that are latex are extremely fake, but I'm telling you - every time something "gross" happened I laughed out loud. It was, plain and simple, fun. And while I don't know that I'm as big a fan of nakedness as Cortez is (I am like 100 years old after all) I have to admit that 5 minutes of full frontal nudity is a bit of a rarity in an R rated film.
Point being, if you're looking for a goofy movie that's in 3D, gory as hell, lots of boobs and other naughty bits and that you can sit back and laugh at - this is your flick.
Not too bad - Complaint Dept

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